Home→Forums→Tough Times→Obsessive thoughts about a girl who looked at me with disapproval
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February 26, 2016 at 6:47 am #97315LosingItAllParticipant
I have improved since my last post, mostly due to medication, which have been discontinued since 3 months.
But it seems that my mind finds something to obsess about and it is not even positive or motivating.
This is the extent of the interaction with the girl:
1. She was looking at me, noticed and I too looked at her.
2. This happened a few times over the course of a couple of days.
3. Then I said something out-loud, which I do believe was within the reach of her ears. The statement was about my employer and was about a comparison between what is more important to my company and what seems to be considered (incorrectly) as important.
4. The next day she looked at me with a look of disapproval.
5. Then no more eye contact.What happened here? More importantly, I am feeling guilt and anger over this trivial interaction with someone with whom I have not even spoken once. Last night, the feelings were stronger (possibly because of being tired) and I struggled to even study my subjects.
February 26, 2016 at 7:02 am #97318AnonymousGuestDear LosingItAll:
The interaction with the girl, my thoughts:
She looked at you on those two occasions. Why? What caught her eye? What was she thinking? I don’t know and neither did you. You couldn’t know because you can’t read her mind, her brain. What is going there? Don’t know. She could have been lost in thought and although her face was turned toward you and her eyes seemed to be looking at you, it could be that she wasn’t seeing you, only lost in thought. It could be that she looked at you and was thinking: What a good looking guy! Or Not a good looking guy, OR it could be anything at all. No way of knowing. There are facial expressions that can give a clue, but then she may be lost in thought, thinking about something unpleasant and you see a facial expression of disgust on her face, not about you but you think it is about you because she seems to be looking at you. Or she is looking at you and seeing you and you look similar to a person she dislikes and there is that facial expression of disapproval of the other guy you remind her of.
You know how often thoughts run through your head? So many of them, non stop on and on and on. Same thing with other people. They think all the time just like you do and as they think about so many things they look here or there and there are facial expressions having to do with their thinking. Often their thinking is not about you.
The disapproval that you feel is YOUR thinking. Sometimes a person will look at me, at you actually feeling disapproval of me, you. I am inclined to think people disapprove of me so often I project my own thought (“I am disapprovable”) into another while the other is not thinking that at all. Sometimes I accurately project and often I do not.
See there difference?
anita
February 26, 2016 at 7:46 am #97325LosingItAllParticipantThank you Anita. I noticed that I felt better by just writing the post. I think I need someone with whom to share, though I am not in a position yet to mingle with others in person.
Yes, I understood the difference. I think my mind is unable to let go of the situation because it is convinced that *I* did/said something which annoyed her/put her off, and I am trying to find out what it was that I did, so that I can *fix* me (based on the last experience, this *fixing* could go to the extreme extent of quitting the job or even life). I also believe that the mental patterns carved inside, through my job as a representative who solves specific problems for others, have been so ingrained that until I find the fix, I cannot rest. Because of that ‘disapproval’, I am reminded of my problems; the mind goes into unrest until it finds a fix.
All the while that that scene plays in my mind, I feel miserable, but as soon as I am required to pay attention (to my job, etc., but not anything like movies which can remind me, directly or indirectly, of this event), I am free from the grip of obsession for at least some time.
I do not know if I do or do not project the thought that ‘I am deserving of someone else’s disapproval’. These feelings always arrive after the event has passed. My mind ruminates, obsesses, and attaches to the past events, even though it is harmful. I am in a situation where I do not know how to let it go. It is similar to being asked to not think about a purple elephant. My analogy is not accurate though, as the difference between the purple elephant and the event is that I am emotionally heavily involved in the event, while the purple elephant is something my mind can brush off very easily. I wish I were able to the just clear my mind at will. It is also not so much about clearing the mind as it is about the calming emotional effect such clearing has on me. I can also recognize the distinct difference in my emotional state once I become free.
Even if I say that her thinking was not about me, it is at the same level of thought as thinking that it was indeed about me. The difference, I think, is that the former will not drag me down while the latter will (and has been for as long as I can remember, lowering my energy, making me susceptible to extreme reactions over trivial matters). Should I not care about which one of the two is true? Or should I barge ahead and choose the option which benefits me, regardless of its truth value? What if in the future I find out that it was indeed a disapproval cast towards me?
February 26, 2016 at 8:09 am #97328AnonymousGuestDear LosingItAll:
Excellent question, that last one: “What if in the future I find out that it was indeed a disapproval cast towards me?”
Excellent question because you of course know the answer regarding that particular scenario and person, you know that nothing disastrous would happen and nothing at all will happen if a random person on the street disapproves of you, correct?
The thing is a core part of your brain, a core formed a long time ago (connections formed that is) knows something different. It knows, believes that something horrible will happen if someone disapproves of you. Fear is very much involved in that core and it triggers the obsessive thinking, desperately trying to find a solution, a fix so to prevent the perceived danger. Fear fuels obsessive thinking. The thinking is the brain’s effort to avoid and dismantle the perceived danger.
What is the danger, back to your last question.
When you were a child and a parent disapproved of you, the consequences must have terrified you. Often disapproval of a young child by a parent or parents is perceived as dangerous to one’s survival. It is like a fawn, a baby deer following its mother into the woods. If the mother deer turns around and says to the fawn: “I don’t like you. You are not okay with me.” This kind of saying (in deer language) would be threatening to the fawn because it means the mother may leave the fawn to fend for itself and it can’t fend for itself! It would die!
So that is real danger. When a person looks at you with disapproval, the fear you have to deal with is the fawn-following-the-mother-deer fear. Is it so for you???
anita
February 26, 2016 at 10:01 am #97341LslerParticipantHey LosingItAll-
Anita has a point, we have no idea what was running (if anything) through her mind during those moments… and this, I think, is key. Could it be that you’re projecting what you would be thinking or feelings by doing that to another? That is, perhaps you’re thinking “if I did that to someone else, it would mean X.” This is something I struggle with regularly.
One thing that helps me when I start projecting is to place others in the same circumstance…others that you probably know well. In your examplem, While that might be what I was thinking if I were to do to someone, a “spacey” friend may not even know where she is (daydreaming perhaps) and so is just randomly making faces and unknowing eye contact with others; another person, like my grandmother, might be struggling to hear me so she smiles and knods or even glares/scowls in concentration another time. There are endless examples, but hopefully this is helpful.
Anita- the simple example of the fawn and mama gives some good food for thought, with which I can certainly relate. Thanks!!
February 26, 2016 at 10:11 am #97344AnonymousGuest* Lsler: thank you and you are welcome. I like your input above!
anitaFebruary 27, 2016 at 3:23 am #97380LosingItAllParticipantThank you Anita, Lsler. I think both of your points are applicable to me. Fear arising because of the (real or perceived) disapproval, and playing both the roles of myself and her in my obsessive thoughts.
While playing myself, I feel justified in saying what I said. Then, I switch roles and again feel justified in thinking that it is proper that he-LosingItAll (or his behaviour) should be disapproved of by me-the-girl.
(coming back to being my own self.) In this role-playing, the personality which ‘wins’ is always the other party’s and never mine, and I end up torturing the real me with anxiety and fear, by playing her. When being the ‘victim’, I feel fear of not making it in this life, or landing in deep troubles, or people not accepting me.
I internalize the negative behaviour of others towards me, and play their role inside my mind, treating my real self as the object of their response. My own voice gets drowned. She may no longer be thinking about me, but she now lives on in my mind as a limited-scope, negatively-inclined entity. I think I have picked up several of such entities over the years. I believe this behaviour includes the projection Lsler mentioned – if LosingItAll were to do what she did, then LosingItAll would do it only when he felt disgusted/disappointed towards the her, as if it were she which spoke those words. It is also possible that this projection was learnt from one of the entities I keep in my mind.
I want to remove this role-playing, or at least remember positive roles instead of negative ones for starters. The problem with me is that I am unable to speak words inside my mind. The above behaviour of role-playing occurs in the form of a silent-movie running inside my mind. As soon as the picture emerges, my state of mind is diluted with anxiety and anger; no words involved. I am unable to permanently erase the movie. I am not sure if people can relate with this manner of thinking (or if it is a labelled, medical condition).
February 27, 2016 at 5:56 am #97385LosingItAllParticipantHere I go again, down the spiral, feeling guilty and sad for losing the approval of a random girl. Have I turned into a jerk who deserved the disapproval (and is deserving of more serious damages in life), or am I being an individual by acting in a way that attracts disapproval?
I realize I am assuming that it definitely was a disapproval, when it could be something else entirely.
I wonder why the actual, real approval and support from the nice people here on Tiny Buddha does not keep me happy, when an imagined disapproval is causing such havoc? …… Just after writing the question, I felt an immediate calm, a feeling of acceptance towards myself, and a feeling of gratitude towards you guys, lifting away my agitated state. I cried a bit.
February 27, 2016 at 8:07 am #97392AnonymousGuestDear LosingItAll:
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could be LosingItAll, It meaning all those disapproving entities operating in your brain?
Would be nice to lose those, and good ridden!
Those entities, those voices, articulated as thoughts or on automatic (no words you are aware of), these are the part of the psyche called Superego (by Freud). It is also called “the inner critic” often the “toxic (or abusive) inner critic” and I call it The Inner Bully.
When you were a child (true to any child) you were the Id (Frued term, again). You didn’t develop in a vacuum but within the interactions between you and your care taker or care takers, most often parents. The dominant parent in your life became your superego: “Do this” “Don’t do this!” “This is nice, good boy!” “That is not nice, bad boy!”
That was the first entity. And if the parent was often disapproving or unfairly disapproving, then the first entity was disapproving.
Healing from such toxicity, or abuse takes a healing process, insight into those early interactions with the main parent or parents (the birth of It!) and developing skills of noticing all those times the inner critic is talking to you without you knowing the words… (you get to decipher the automatic messages it dumps on you) and you get to develop a part of your psyche that stands in the way of that abusive inner critic, takes its job away, more and more, replacing its messages.
Over time. I started the process in my first good psychotherapy five years ago. What do you think?
anita
February 29, 2016 at 4:00 am #97609LosingItAllParticipantYeah, I think it is time to visit the doctor. I do not understand why I keep clinging to people, like this unknown girl, and continuing to try to win ‘her’ approval through conversations in my own head.
February 29, 2016 at 9:07 am #97623AnonymousGuestDear LosingItAll:
Maybe you keep clinging to that unknown girl, in your own head, trying to win her approval because it is not her approval you are trying to win (you marked her approval as ‘her’ approval). Maybe the child in you is still trying to win the approval of someone very, very important in his early life, a parent’s approval. And you are placing, or transferring, or projecting that parent into that girl and into other random people in your life.
If so, then in good psychotherapy you will gain insight into that, process the difficult feelings involved… and heal. Please post again.
anita
February 29, 2016 at 11:02 am #97629LosingItAllParticipantThank you Anita. Come Thursday and I will be at the doctor’s I went to earlier for therapy and medication. The situation with my parents is understandable – they fought among themselves and have been separated for 12 years. I do remember every detail of a scolding/beating that I got because of my mistakes. I have come to conclusion that each such scolding has been etched in my mind, because it was accompanied by severe anxiety, fear and panic. I wish I were able to transfer some of those elements to my parents at that very moment to let them know about my internal turmoil. Since I had no one to compare my inner world with, I assumed that the extreme intensity of anxiety and fear in public situations (accompanied by increased heart rate, butterflies in my stomach and a full blown panic) is something everyone goes through, evidently, without much trouble and without becoming socially impaired, but I was unable to cope with such intensity, which further made me withdrawn and increased my shame and anxiety. No one knew how to handle this situation, except for forcing me to go out more, which only made the situation worse.
I have had disapprovals from men and women, and although I do remember those statements and scenes and I do feel affected by them to some degree, none hurt more than those meted out by women whom I did not know very well. These situations have always occurred around my speaking something which they considered inappropriate. I already have had trouble speaking since my childhood (I am the quiet, anaemic and fearful kid with thick glasses). The two opposing factors – trying speak in order to not remain silent, and then landing into a situation where, in hind-sight, the appropriate choice was to indeed remain silent – have me in a bind. Although people had pressured me to speak, they eventually ceased their efforts when they accepted me as I am. But, being in a customer service business, speaking less by default is a state which is causing constant anxiety and a pressure to perform. Any tiny or large situation or misunderstanding is magnified by my anxiety; the thought, that the result would have possibly been more positive had I been more outspoken, further increases my stress levels. I did take medication for anxiety and felt better, but that did not make me outspoken.
February 29, 2016 at 11:28 am #97634AnonymousGuestDear LosingItAll:
I too felt better often enough when I used to take medication/ psychiatric drugs, one of which was Klonipin, a tranquilizer, “anti anxiety” – my performance in life not only did it not improve but it got worse. So, from my experience, psychiatric drugs do not improve life circumstances or effective performance or function in life. They only made me feel better, at least in the beginning.
What you are describing makes sense to me, comparing your share to my life: being disapproved by parents and consequently being punished by parents, those experiences get etched in the brain, like you wrote. And we keep being scared of being disapproved and being punished all through adult life. Even thought the parent or parents are not there in person to disapprove and punish, we “see” the parents, disapproving and punishing, in other people and so our fear continues.
Good psychotherapy can and will help, really, although it takes time and work… and a competent, caring, hard working and dedicated… accepting (not disapproving) and gentle (not punishing) psychotherapist. In a professional relationship with such, you get to trust him (or her), feel safe and in that safety you make yourself known to the therapist and to yourself. And as you make yourself known, fears, hopes, all… well, you get insight and understanding and you learn skills (the therapist should be a teacher of such skills) to endure your fear … over time. This is nothing that can be taught through reading a post like the one I am writing to you. It is to be experienced over time with the right therapist.
Please do post anytime and I will reply!
anita
March 1, 2016 at 10:36 am #97744LosingItAllParticipantThank you Anita!
My situation was made worse by the medications which I had taken during the end of 2013 for another problem. My current life is now an effort to cope with the negative effects of that medication. I am very careful about them now.
I was reading http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/why-silence-is-often-the-best-response-to-a-verbal-attack/
I noticed a change in me, because of the current situation with that girl. I read that article, but instead of learning from it, I went deeper into my sadness. I identified with the room-mate in the article. Moreover, I also assigned the good qualities, which the author described, to that girl, while only collecting the disparaging feelings thinking that why could I not have been the author (or the girl), instead of being me (or the room-mate). I have become so sensitive, almost anything could push my buttons and I end up again in the same situations that I am desperately trying to emerge from.I know that if I continued to be affected by real or imaginary disapproval, I am bound to say something which is going to continue the same cycle.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by LosingItAll.
March 1, 2016 at 10:50 am #97748LosingItAllParticipantI know that I have felt being ‘wrong’, more than I have felt being ‘correct’. I do not know if this should matter, but it does to me, very intensely. My life has been a response, by the way of overcompensating, to the events/people which pointed out my faults (directly or through disapprovals, smart comments). I think I have a fundamental defect – I did not learn how to learn.
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