Hi dreaming715,

I really relate to what you are going through right now and I have experienced a very similar situation with my partner.  It sounds like you are a very self-aware person in that you can understand exactly what psychological concept is playing a part in this feeling of abandonment and fear that you have.

From experience, I can say that yes, this is definitely possible to work on and possible to get better in time.  I have two suggestions that have both helped me in my own experience and I’d like to share those with you.

1.  Is this struggle/feeling something that you are able to safely share with your boyfriend?  It may help very much even just to be able to say to him “I am having those feelings of abandonment right now even though I know that’s not what you are planning to do.”  Not so much with the intent to get reassurance from him (although that would help too), but the goal moreso would be so that you are able to express how you are feeling and that you are scared and so that you don’t have to keep the feeling inside.  He would likely be able to handle hearing that and also would not want you to be feeling scared.  I’m not sure from your post whether or not he knows about your childhood history with abandonment and trauma– is this something you discuss?

2.  Whether or  not  your partner is aware of what you are going through, this one will help you personally and will be good for you to develop regardless of your relationship status…getting as in tune to your emotions and how they manifest physically in your body as you can.  For me, I had a lot of trauma, neglect, and also abandonment and I didn’t even know until I was 34 that I had no idea how to feel my feelings, nor did I know how to sit with strong and uncomfortable feelings once I did start feeling them physically.  This can be helpful so that you learn to self-soothe and recognize what you are experiencing and will allow you to look at the feeling with love and care rather than wanting desperately to get rid of it.

The way this has played out for me is the following:  when I moved in with my partner, I started to notice that often times when I left for work in the morning– as soon as I shut the front door and knew that she was still inside and that I was suddenly “in the world by myself”, I could physically feel a surge of energy and heat come up in my body and my chest would tighten.  I would lock the door, and start down the hallway to the elevator and just be very, very aware of the physical sensations.  I would notice that my ears would start ringing or that my skin was getting hot and eventually over time and doing this same routine over and over and over again, I would be able to be more aware and say to myself in my head, “OK– this is what separation feels like.  Now I have a pit in my stomach and this is what anxiety feels like.  Despite what I am feeling and the sensations I have, I am still safe and I am still loved and connected to my partner.”  Over time, I would suddenly start noticing some days where the sensation wouldn’t be there at all.  And in its place, I would notice when I was already just feeling safe and comforted leaving the house on my own.

This can be a long and difficult process, but if you stick with it, it might really help what you are going through and I really hope this has been helpful for you.  I am happy to talk through this issues or others with you if you’d like additional support!!

Good luck to you and I hope you write back in!

almc

You are welcome, dreaming715. Always glad  to read  from you.

anita