Ashley,

You gotta see the situation as whole. You’re focusing too much on what you think you dont have. Do you honestly think that getting a husband, becoming a typical woman will actually solve the real problem? That somehow, once you get that magical wand to fix your life, what you feel is going to change? You will still have those old habits of labeling yourself as pathetic, lame and lonely. How can you be so cruel to yourself?

As for 28 years, my dear, people have lived longer than you and screwed up way more than you think. Their life isnt over and they are sure as hell not giving up on themselves. First of all, please for the love of God, stop calling yourself lame and pathetic. Confused is a better adjective. How can you expect anyone to like you or believe anyone will if you treat yourself like shit? People are here to support you, not to be your walking stick. Only you can choose to walk.

If your entire life is focused on getting the guy and becoming a mom, i can assure you that you will look for a million reasons why you cant do it – oh you’re fat, oh you’re boring..for chrissake, get of your house and see the world outside. If you dont have life experience, then start living. Life experience doesnt happen if you sit at home and only complain about how awful you are. Lot of shit happens in life and if you want to play chicken, then cry about not having any, i cant help you.

If you want to find love, go on dates- make mistakes, learn what things are like and finally, when you really are ready to walk on your own, you’ll find that person to hold your hand as an equal in your journey. If you dont like being over-weight, then start living better. You’re beautiful any size but your happiness is important too. As a fat chick who thought she was ugly for years, i can vouch for the fact that men like different things. I have different preferences too and nope, i dont want to be Marilyn Monroe – peroxide blonde is not my thing. My definition of fabulous is slightly different from TV but i would love to be like Golda Meir or Audrey Hepburn (she’s like my idol – that strong, powerful woman who made a difference :D) Looks can only take you so far.

Develop your mind, character and convictions – best life-long investment ever.

My point is, the day you stop giving a shit about what they think and live your life, have some fun, that day all of this stuff will cease to bother you. And you live in Colorado alone with your pets, you’ve got your friends and family – whats so pathetic about that? Please explain! You wanna live in a Bahamas with a raccon as a pet and a 6 ft 2 in Greek God and 5 kids? I mean jeez, this isnt the movies and life is not perfect. Neither are you, so stop this whole “i dont know anything. i am pathetic and lame. no one gets me. no man wants me” – Ashely, live your life. Whether you have a man or not, whether you have kids or not, life will go on.

Why are you allowing yourself to be miserable for so many years?

You wanna like yourself? Become your best friend. So what if she makes mistakes? So what if she has regrets? So what if she doesnt have everything figured out? She’s a magnificent work of art and we have yet to see how beautiful that piece will turn out. Listen to this song –

Ashley, you’re just 28 – you havent screwed up yet. You dont have a broken marriage, strained relations with your kids. You are in decent health. You do have friends and family. You have your cat and dog and i am sure they are really sweet. The world is out there but you cant expect to stay at home…expecting things to magically change while hating that reflection in the mirror.

This is an opportunity to start a process of self-love and its never too late!

– Moon

Hi Ashlie,

I’ve been down on myself before. Some things that pulled me up and forward that you might try. As Moon says live:

– eating really well getting into a different relationship with food
– getting a good nights sleep
– exercising starting with things that are easy and working up from there
– losing 5-10-15+’pounds initially gives you a new feel – keep going
– getting to the fitness and weight that would serve you (in your case you want to be a mom)
– scanning articles and books on self help – they will give you some tips and show you are not alone
– watching videos like Ted talks that inspire and educate you
– accomplishing something
– being kind to yourself
– spending time with family and friends
– pursuing your interests
– saying hi to people (there’s your elevator solution)
– meeting people including guys in person
– getting out in the community maybe a fundraiser
– avoiding most or all of TV
– being with people who have a strong positive influence of you

You get the idea. Does this make sense? Which ones are you doing or could you start doing?

Would this help you to prepare for the right guy and motherhood?

Big blue

Dear Ashlie – first of all, a big, loving hug for you.

You write you think you are nothing – but at the same time you are so much already! As it sounds to me that you are relatively healthy, do have family and friends – not to mention pets and a home to live in. You can write, read, and yes – you seem to be someone who does expect big things from life. I mean, there are so many people who never even thought they could have anything more than surveillance.

The reason you think you are nothing is because you have created the picture of things you find you’re not achieving (but you think you should). But here’s the thing I had to learn myself too at some point: there’s no shortcuts in life. And at the same time: there is no shoulds. You don’t need to be anything, my dear friend. As you already are all you ever need to be. The question that seems to bother you though is, if you are all those great things you could be? That is being someone, who is happy and feels “doing the right thing”.

So, the thing is that you don’t, once again need to be anything. Give up on that idea, totally. You already are enough, and I know as sure as anyone can that you are 100% lovable already.

But there are things you can do. As doing the right thing really starts by doing little things.

You ask how can one learn to love herself. You have pets you most likely are attached to. Watch them for a while: aren’t they cute, sweet, innocent and simply adorable as they are?

Can’t you see that you’re exactly like them too? You are cute in your being. Just a small living thing in this planet, and that’s why so very beautiful and innocent in your basic existence. You also need to remember that your mind isn’t “you”: you don’t actually own yourself in a deepest sense. What you think is “you” is actually just your conscious: but what keeps you going is based on the co-work of millions of cells. These cells work everyday for you to breath, walk, think and act. Why wouldn’t you treat them well as you treat your pets too? Give them proper nutrition, enough sleep and some exercise to keep going.

You write you are nothing. I’d say the better words would be: I’m a bit lost now and would like to know how to take myself to the place I need to be (happiness). I just don’t know where to start/I feel afraid/exhausted already (feeling that to achieve my dream I’m just in the beginning).

You don’t need to feel exhausted, as there isn’t any huge thing you should really swallow. Instead – every day is made of little things and little choices. What would the woman you wish to be eat today? Would she be able to cook?

And what does this woman you’re responsible over enjoy to do? What makes her laugh? What makes her curious? Wouldn’t you like to give her some fresh air daily? What ever it is that helps you to start with: to either imagine that you’re already the woman you want to be (and try to live everyday a bit more the way you think she would live) – or to think yourself as one of your cute pets that you must take care of.

And those self hatred thoughts you can imagine as intruders – as they are. They are a bit like a cancer cells: something, that is not working properly and is eating you from inside instead of building you. Don’t listen to them. Think of them as flees on your dogs fur: they shouldn’t be there because they are harming you. Don’t give them power, and do your best to ignore/get rid of them. Nobody has the right to hate you – not even you! Think of your pets hating themselves: wouldn’t that be an awful thing?

Most important thing to keep in mind is that loving anything (life, other people) starts by loving and accepting your inner child. Stop being so cruel to her, but instead get to know her a bit without judgement. Forgive her the things she yet cannot do, and support her the things she’s giving a try. Be your own parent, and get used to being loving and loved. And don’t forget the skill of forgiveness either!

Everything else will follow: you just can’t get the plant before putting the seed somewhere and nourishing its grow on daily bases. The seed is there: good and perfect. But are you brave enough to see the plant it could be?

P.s. You are YOUNG! Nothing lost dear girl. You can get in shape in 1 to 2 years if wish to, and even study a degree in just few years. In just 3 years you can totally come out of your shell both emotionally, physically and intellectually if you’re up to it. And what would it make you – 31 years old? That’s nothing either! you know the last parts of your brain just developed at age 25 – that is, you have JUST grown up. Nothing, nothing is lost! So much time to live, learn, travel etc.!

Ashlie – you want to be a mother….start reparenting the child within. Be a mom to the little gal inside you that is clearly missing nurturing support.

How to start with this? Realize you are not alone. Take these ponderings one day at a time so as not to stymie yourself by shaming yourself into a corner with no escape. How can one grow strong and fearless to go after her desires if she is in a corner hating herself?

Before you can be a mother and wife – you have got to help this broken kid inside you merge with the adult you have become. You can do it – and it takes work – but what else have you got to do that is more important? Giving up is not the thing that is more important..its time to stand up for yourself and go after what you want. Celebrate you as you are and not as the enemy. You are preventing yourself from hearing the inner child in rational way.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by gen.