My name is Jessica Toussaint, and I’m living with my abusive mother who has been abusing me since the age of 5. I’ve been through so much pain and heartache, starting with the verbal abuse. Whenever my mother was angry, (usually with her job), she would turn to me in an instant. It was as if I was her honorary punching bag, (which I am somewhat to this day). She called me a bitch, asshole, mother fucker, idiot, dummy, and so many damaging words. This was daily, and I cried so much. She would also verbally abuse me whenever I received a low score on a test. She, again, called me names. In top of that, she’d yell at me for crying. She’d say “stop being so sensitive!” (I eventually came to learn that being sensitive is a good thing 🙂 )”if you don’t stop the crying, I’ll give you a reason to cry” “shut the fuck up!” “I hate you!” “Why the fuck is this bitch crying?!” “I’ll box your teeth down your throat!”. This was daily also. I also struggled at school, both academically and socially. I was an introvert, and didn’t talk much. Also, since my mom stripped me of responsibility (even now I don’t know how to do much since she won’t allow me) I often acted irrational in many situations. I didn’t know how to make friends. I also shuddered and spoke fast, making it hard for others to understand me (I still struggle with it to this day). This lead to me getting bullied everyday. In elementary and middle school. When I was about 11, my mom stated using the belt buckle on me. I didn’t get beat due to doing bad things (i consider myself to have been a good child, and still do to this day). I got beat for failing grades. She’d beat me for an hour or more. It started with her saying (get in the room now!). If I failed a test (which happened often) she’d say “why did you get a 45!” and I’d say “I’m sorry-” *smack*, she’d beat my back hard with the buckle. She’d keep asking me over and over, and I every time I answered I got beat. She’d stop when she felt that I got the message. What I found odd was she’d say the next day “honey, I’m sorry. You know mommy gets angry sometimes. I won’t hit you again, okay?” It didn’t stop until I was 14. She’d keep apologizing, and then do it again. By this time I was in high school. I then started to self discipline myself, and before you know it, I started to do well on tests. I even made the honor roll many times through out high school. I also started to made friends, and started to joined more clubs. I still got bullied, but it wasn’t as severe as when I was younger. My mom, though, was still abusive. Although there were times where she was loving, her abusive side came out as well. You may be wondering if I had any family members or neighbors to turn to. I didn’t. My family, although I am close with them, kept making excuses for my moms behavior. When I told my grandmother how I felt, she’d say “when your mother was younger I beat her too.” One time, my mom beat me with a bat. After the akrercation, my aunt came over and started dancing and said “child abuser” to my mother while smiling and laughing. She was smiling and acted like it was funny. Eventually, she had asked me if I wanted to talk about it, but I said no. When I spoke to my neighbor, she told me “just go back in your house and wait till your mom gets home”. My dad, who I’m the closest to, does stand up to my mom sometimes, but he usually does nothing or make excuses. But, I understand him based on his past. He also never abused me, and we were always close to the hip, even to this day. My family family is also dysfunctional, with the exception of my father. My grandparents argued constantly. My grandmother would usually say that she regretted being married to my grandfather. There was a lot of verbal abuse between the two. They even had a fist fight where my grandmother got a swollen eye and my grand father got a piece of his kin chipped off. My aunt got punched in the face by my grandfather in a family argument. My cousin twisted my aunts arm once. She also beat him with a belt to the point of tears. One of my uncles and my cousin got into a fight where my uncle chased him with a bat. My other uncle, who is mentally challenged, gets put down by my grandparents for being dumb and doing stupid things. He doesn’t know how to do much, but he is very nice. He just watches tv all day everyday. There is more of what happened, but it would be far to long. As of now, I’m 17, all of the problems that I listed are still going on today. But, it has shaped me. I am now a freshman in college, and I’m loving it very much. I’ve already made many friends, and is passing all my classes well. Despite all the issues I have at home, I’m able to still get my homework done and pass my tests. One thing I realize, though, is that my mom and I will never have a close relationship. She will never own up to her mistakes, and will hide behind excuses. My whole family, excluding my father, hides behind excuses. I will forgive my mom, but I’ll cut her from my life. She is toxic, and is not worthy of having me in her life. I’ll always love her, and I’ll have sympathy for her suffering, but that’s it. I sometimes wonder what life would be like in a “functional“ home. It might have been better, but I’m I would not have been the person I am now. I write many short stories. I am currently writing one about a girl who deals with sibling bullying. I also draw manga. I even plan on becoming a child psychologist to help other young children and teens who are suffering from abuse. For those of you that are going through rough times, know that what ever shit your going through will make you powerful. The one thing that you can’t do it give up. Once you quit, your letting life win. Life is a bitch, but it’s part of the battle. One common asset that I’ve noticed about almost every famous person out there in the world, is that they’ve been through a lot of shit. Rape, abuse, failure, bankruptcy, surgery, divorce, and more. But they never gave up, and they became stronger in the end. And it’s because they never gave up is why they are admired so much. So, please, don’t give up! If your at a rough time in your life, everything will get better. Take the time to cry, scream, and rage. Then, do small things each day that make you happy. If you like eating watching movies, go watch one. If you love reading, pick out a book and start reading. If you love drawing, get a pencil and paper and start creating something. Make yourself happy! We all deserve happiness, and with time, you’ll get past this rough time. However, after things get happy me there will be another strong tidal wave coming right after. Life is basically a roller coaster. You’ll keep going higher and higher, feeling nothing but happiness and good vibes. But once you start falling, that’s when everything gets gloomy. But, you’ll rise again and fall again, rise and fall rise and fall. That’s life. But the important things to do is to not give up and do things everyday that will make you happy. Also, know that age is just a number. You can do whatever you want to do at whatever age you are. Hell, I’m 17 and I still love Pokemon, Super Mario, Code Lyoko, and so many other childish activities. It makes me happy and that’s all that matters. Do what you love, and invite happiness into your life. I hope this inspires someone who is struggling. Take care and God bless :).