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Not Sure What To Do – Is It Worth Fighting For?

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  • January 26, 2019 at 7:05 am #277009
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear C:

    I think that she is interested in escaping her mother for a little while, as often as she can, “going back to dating for the escapism”, as you wrote. It is also a possibility, a very likely possibility in my mind, that she will jump at the opportunity, if it presents itself to her, that a man will take on her burden for her, freeing her from it: meeting a man wealthy enough to pay her mother’s bills.

    Basically, I see your possible role in her life as either a distraction or a man who will pay her mother’s bills.

    I think she sincerely liked you, or at times still likes you, but that liking dwarfs when in context of her greatest need: to escape her mother, preferably long term by having someone else take on her current burden.

    Why not present what I wrote here to her, ask her if she believes it is true, why not do that as your next communication to her?

    anita

    January 26, 2019 at 8:58 am #277033
    C
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for taking the time to write to me again, I do appreciate your inputs. I think your assumptions are somewhat true but even so she wouldn’t want to admit that, and could get her back up. I think a better way to approach it would be to tell her that I want to support her when I’m in a position to do so. She knows I care but maybe that is the issue, she doesn’t see how I can get her out of the life she’s stuck in.

    I’ve decided I’m going to ring on Monday, talk a bit and then ask if she’s OK to meet this week or on the day of my scan. If she says she can’t, then I’ll have the conversation with her then. That way I get an answer either way, and I’ll have a friend.

    January 26, 2019 at 9:10 am #277037
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear C:

    You are welcome. It may not be a good idea to ask her if this is true, maybe part of it, asking her gently if a small part of it is true, that is less likely to bring about her rejection of it all, less likely to overwhelm her.

    If you tell her that you “want to support her when I’m in a position to do so”, what do you mean by it?

    anita

    January 26, 2019 at 10:10 am #277045
    C
    Participant

    Support as in be a base of strength for her. When we were together I was looking for jobs and going to the gym, that was it. By the time she met me after her exams, I hadn’t made any progress in the job hunt and I was still overweight. I think she gave up on us as a couple at that point.

    Although I haven’t got a career sorted, she knows I’m trying hard and have plans for joining the armed forces if a graduate scheme doesn’t come off. So I want her to see I still care, I’m building to something and want to do it with her.

    January 26, 2019 at 12:07 pm #277065
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear C:

    I understand you want to be with her, to  be employed and in shape for her. But do consider the likely possibility that if you were to be with her as a couple, you will be expected to finance her mother, not just her or an immediate family that you may want to have with her.

    If she agreed to be your partner in life, will you willing to financially support her mother?

    * I will be away from the computer for about seventeen hours.

    anita

    January 27, 2019 at 6:52 am #277157
    C
    Participant

    I wouldn’t enable her mothers questionable financial management, but I would try and support her in whatever way I could and find a solution together. Even if it was just listening to her. During the relationship I fell into the trap of trying to solve her problems, when maybe all I needed to do was listen and be strong for her. Again something I need to talk to her about if given the chance.

    Right now I’m feeling very anxious and concerned over the fact my opportunity to fix things might have evaporated, and she won’t meet me for a meal when I have my scan in two weeks time. If she’s starting to focus on a new man, surely she’s going to feel like she shouldn’t see me anymore? She’s already been dishonest with me saying she isn’t doing anything fun until after her exams are finished in February, but she’s back on dating apps again with the clear intention to talk and meet other guys?

    Regardless of what happens between us, she can’t live like this and I certainly don’t want that for her. Her brother is 10, so she potentially has another 7-8 years of this before he can stand on his own two feet.

    January 27, 2019 at 7:48 am #277165
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear C:

    Clearly you feel strongly for her and felt this way for a long time.

    The question in the title of your thread is: “Is It Worth Fighting For?”-

    My answer is: no. In the bigger picture view of the situation, there has already been a war and it was between her and her mother. Her mother won the war, naturally and unfortunately for her daughter she is still winning the war. Your love interest’s life has been won by her mother. I used another word, owned. Her  life is owned by her mother. This has been so before you met her.

    Seems to me that you are not looking at this big part of the picture: your love interest is owned by her mother. She is not available for a relationship. You have been waiting on and fighting for a person who is lost and there is nothing you can do about it. It is sad. But it is a reality for a lot of people, a whole lot, their lives not being really, their own.

    Any man she meets through the dating apps, will not do any better than you did. I don’t see a way, unless, like I suggested to you, the man is capable and willing to finance her mother to her mother’s content. And content, she may then loosen the grip  on her daughter, a bit.

    Maybe you should fight not for her, but for you, to release yourself from a no-win fight, a doomed fight. There is such a thing as a fight one cannot win.

    anita

    February 11, 2019 at 1:12 pm #279785
    C
    Participant

    I thought it only right to update this, one last time.

    So with my quarterly cancer check up next Wednesday, I asked if she wanted to meet. To which she came back and said she had a compulsory networking event for work, so wouldn’t be able to meet. Not so bad, but when you consider I was only across the street last Friday for an interview, which she knew about, it’s clear she doesn’t want to see me. It’s funny how you plan things out in your head, and then reality throws you a curve ball. Talk about anti-climatic.

    I’m pretty sure she’s dating someone else now, which is probably why she doesn’t want to meet. I’m not upset about that, because honestly I want her to be happy. Even if I wish she’d have tried harder with me. The only shred of comfort I take from all this is that she, most likely, wasn’t cheating on me when we were together.

    I’m not going to chase her anymore, I’m not going to ask her to meet again and I certainly won’t be her emotional net. I care about her but I need to protect myself at this point. 7 months of pondering, hoping and trying is enough.

    I just wanted to thank everyone who has given me their time and advice, especially you Anita. It has been really helpful hearing other perspectives. If nothing else I’ve learned some hard lessons about relationships and life.

    February 11, 2019 at 5:03 pm #279813
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear C:

    You are welcome. I hope your Wednesday checkup shows that you are clear of cancer, and I hope you post about it here, will you?

    It is good that you are giving up on her, resolved to not chase her anymore and put an end to these “7 months of pondering, hoping and trying”.

    anita

    February 14, 2019 at 11:16 am #280191
    C
    Participant

    Hi Anita, just wanted to let you know the scan was clear. So all is well. I also got a graduate job secured for this April, so really pleased about that.

    She messaged me to wish me luck with the scan on the day, to which I replied with a ‘thanks’. I’m going to leave her be now, and check in on her every now and again. Maybe ask to catch up in 6 months time or something. I still care about her, and want the best for her, but she needs to make the effort to talk to me now.

    I hope you’re well and have a great valentines day.

    Best wishes,

    C

    February 14, 2019 at 12:39 pm #280193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear C:

    I am so glad you posted this update with the very good news that the scan is clear, very pleased to read this.

    In regard to her, maybe better give up on a relationship with her altogether. I think it is better. Back to the title of your thread: “Is It Worth Fighting For?”- Love is worth fighting for. A relationship with her, no, it is not worth fighting for because she is not available to love you, she is not available to love any man, is my understanding. So better give up on her. Love is elsewhere.

    I hope to read again from you about that elsewhere…

    anita

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