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Not sure about how I feel/what I want. Or am I?

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  • February 21, 2014 at 1:38 pm #51522
    Kaelah
    Participant

    Dear Ash,

    I’m sorry to hear how this is making you suffer. I’m by no means qualified to give good advice, I just wanted to say that I did go through something really similar. We had some good times, but holding it all together required putting myself last, feeling guilty for having needs, and much more I won’t go on about.

    I chose to end it (after a long time). It’s definitely weird, not having the other half of what you thought life was going to be. But for me, it’s so much better this way. It sounds like these guys have some common threads (not that anyone is without flaws!) But what you have described is abuse. No one deserves to be abused. I think you have some good intuition about what you want to do, but just need some validation and compassion for what you’ve been through. If you feel like you need permission to claim yourself, meet your needs, and reach your potential, then I hereby grant it to you. 😉

    You are worthy of love and happiness, even on your bad days. Especially on your bad days! 🙂

    For me, being with this kind of person was so draining, and I lost some of myself that I’m slowly getting back. Maybe you will decide to work it out, and maybe that will be what you really want. Maybe instead of thinking about the relationship, just ask yourself (rapidly, don’t overthink it) what you want, and what you want less of, and see what it reveals.

    I know it’s easier said than done, but just try to give yourself some compassion for what you’re experiencing. Realize how wonderful you are and all that you deserve.

    Good luck <3

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by Kaelah.
    February 21, 2014 at 4:55 pm #51527
    Matt
    Participant

    Ash,

    Intimacy and relationships are not destined to feel like shackles, confining, controlling. Quite the contrary, for instance, since I found my wife I have never felt more free. To me, it sounds like you have some issues with creating boundaries, knowing yourself outside a relationship, and standing on your own. These are all codependency patterns, and you may find great relief and insight if you were to read some of Pia Melody’s books.

    For instance, why would you say yes to marriage when your heart said no? What caused that pressure? The awkwardness? His feelings? Social situation he chose to ask you in? Those aren’t good reasons, dear sister, when the heart says no, so too should our lips. 🙂 Sorting it out may require a little digging inside, but its really worth it.

    In the meantime, consider trying some metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warmth in our chest area, and is something that helps us stand up for what we know is right, even if its difficult, even if other people disagree, even if other people pressure us. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.

    In terms of what to do next with your relationship, perhaps if you spend a little time self nurturing, rekindling your light through metta practice, and so forth, it will be a lot easier. It is a much brighter world when we are tending the garden we wish to grow, rather than scrambling around hoping others will let us do what we want. Namaste, sister, may you find your song.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    February 23, 2014 at 8:34 pm #51622
    Ash
    Participant

    Kaelah –

    Thank you for replying 🙂 Sorry it took me so long to get back to the post. I’ve been working and I’ve had a busy weekend.
    I think I need to think on it some more. Get away from everyone and just have some time for me. I don’t have much of that because I work and then most of my free time is spent with him. I really feel that I need to worry about me more and focus on myself. It’s just hard to break things off with someone especially when you’re not 100% positive it’s what you want.
    I really relate to the losing myself part because I feel that I have no time or space to think about me and do the things I want to do. Lately I’ve been taking more control and doing things I want. Like art and drawing, and today I took my first yoga class.
    Thank you so much for your advice and help. I know I need to love myself and am trying 🙂

    Namaste ♥

    Matt –

    Thank you for replying! I realize the relationship shouldn’t feel like this. That is why I’m trying to make a change. I do need to know myself better. I am young and it wasn’t exactly in my plans to become engaged. It was the situation, by the way, because it was in front of his family and our friends. I do not think I am co-dependent, but maybe I am. My mother is so I haven’t exactly had an example of independence.
    I need some time to myself, that much is 100% clear to me. I need to self-nurture and find myself. I definitely think I lost myself in the relationship and that isn’t what I want.
    Thank you for your kind words and help, I truly appreciate it.

    Namaste!

    Nicole

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