I’ve been in a relationship with the same guy for almost 3 years. We’ve been through a lot. We broke up because he was unhappy, we both ended up being with other people for a short period of time and then he decided that he wanted me back (I tried multiple times to convince him things could get better and to give it another shot, but he had to realize he still loved and needed me on his own). It was a very painful experience for me. I cried a lot, lost about ten pounds, and when I found out he was seeing someone else I threw up and just had awful anxiety. (We were also supposed to go on a vacation before we broke up and I paid for about 80% of it. It was extremely expensive and I make bird poop compared to what he makes money wise. Because he broke up with me and he was the older of us, I couldn’t go. I had to cancel it and eat 3/4 of the cost.)
After that point, though, I began to heal. I thought it was completely over. I began hanging out with a guy I knew and I liked him. We had some history and he was really fun. He kept my mind off of things and was very sweet. He took me to the movies, bought me food, held my hand and made me feel good when all I was feeling like before that was awful. Wouldn’t you know it that my ex decided to make a reappearance in my life after telling me he didn’t want me back three times or whatever.
I ended up taking him back because I loved him, but he hates the guy I was hanging out with and held it over my head although he did the same thing.
It seemed to me he was letting go of it as time went on, and then he proposed. It was done in a situation where I was very pressured to say yes, so even if I wanted to say no, I really couldn’t without a huge issue.
Part of me wanted it and part of me didn’t. But I said yes.
We went on happy for a few months and then things just started spiraling downward. He became mean and stressed out. Yelling at me every week and sometimes a few times a week for what happened while we were apart and other dumb things. He is very jealous, insecure and possessive.
I got sick of it and broke up with him. I couldn’t imagine living my life that way. A few days later he called me crying begging for me back, promising he would change and travel with me and do whatever I wanted.
I don’t know if this is what I want, even though I took him back and that is what I wanted at the time. He is a kind person. He is smart and handsome, and has a great job. He is his own worst enemy though and his jealousy and insecurities devour him until he is so stressed and angry that he takes it out on me and some family members of his. He hasn’t done any of this since I took him back. I’m still having doubts regardless. I have one foot out the door all of the time.
I’m so spent on the relationship in general. I always put him before me and my own feelings, moving around my schedule for him, not doing what I wanted to spend time with him, and more. I feel like I’ve broken my back from bending over backwards so much for him.
BUT I’m not doing that anymore. I’m done putting myself second. There is so much I want to do and see that I can’t risk being held back. I told him that. He said he will come with me; I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore. I want to meet new people, have guy friends (I don’t get along as well with girls) and be able to do what I please without asking for any sort of permission. Before all of this I would have said I wanted to be with him forever, but now I have doubts constantly and I want to go out and have fun and see the world. Part of me wants someone to just do fun things with like camp, go boating, skiing, vacations, etc. without the strings of a relationship attached. I’m so done with drama and being hurt.
I’m not saying I don’t love my boyfriend, I just don’t know if I love him the same way I used to. It’s very confusing to me because part of me doesn’t want to not have him in my life. He has been a constant for so long it would be weird not having him there. I would miss him, I know that. We have a bond that goes beyond being lovers because we were friends years before. He spends a lot of money on me, we do have fun together and make each other laugh, and we do have many things in common just not the most important – what we want to do in life. He will hate me if I break his heart, and part of me will dislike myself. I want to know that breaking up with him will ensure myself a better future, that he will be ok, and that it’s better this way (that’s impossible technically, I know). I don’t want to do it and regret it. I’m happy when I’m with him but when we are apart I feel like there is so much more to life.

Any suggestions or advice? It would be very nice to know that I am not alone in feeling this way or that someone has gone through something similar. It would really be appreciated 🙂

Namaste and thank you ahead of time,

Ash