Not Good Enough for Him?

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by Mark1.

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November 28, 2014 at 11:05 pm #68524

Dream1992
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Hi,

I have posted previously on this topic before and have taken a lot from the support I received here, it was in regards to not being good enough for my boyfriend. I have been up and down with this feeling and have used words of support and rationlised my thinking and have felt good in times with him, felt I was seeing things more realistically but I keep coming back to the place where I feel I am not good enough for my boyfriend, it sounds crazy but everytime I look at his life, and expiriences and the amazing person he is and also (the girls he has been with, even though I know rationally that I shouldn’t and cant compare because everyone is unique) I feel hurt and sade and have cried on occasion because I do not feel I sweep him off his feet and that he deserves someone better, im anxious and a little depressed and I keep thinking he deserves someone happier and someone who can easily fit in to his circle of friends, give him butterflies and make him feel excited to have me. I don’t feel I am any of this.. I am really still struggling with it to the point where im thinking I may need to leave the relationship to work this stuff out as obviously it is a deep rooted problem and is doing nothing but creating separation, doubt, stress and confusion. Is it unfair and irrational to be feeling this way? I feel as though I just want him to be happy and I don’t feel I can provide much or as much love for him. Is it irrational to want to create space to work on this within me? I do not want to break up with him really because I care about him so much and hurts to imagine him with someone else but I don’t think I am being fair in the state im in mentally to be with him, I don’t think its fair..?

hope some one can relate! thanks so much,

November 29, 2014 at 3:44 am #68527

Janice
Participant

Hey Dream, I used to feel like this when I was younger and was in a relationship, so I can definitely relate. I don’t think this is so much about your boyfriend being too good for you, but rather it’s about your deep-rooted sense of unworthiness and “not good enough”. You need to learn to love yourself and feel that you are a wonderful, worthy and lovable person. This can take a lot of time and work but you will get there if you work at it. I got there, so you can too :).

This is one part. The other part is your relationship and here you have to ask yourself (and your boyfriend) if the relationship can carry the weight of your insecurities and journey. Have you ever shared your concerns and feelings with your boyfriend? How does he think of it?
Inquire how much space your problem takes in the relationship and how much your relationhship is apart from that. They say you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself and I think there is a lot of truth to that. However, I also think that there is some space for a genuine, caring and meaningful, two-way relationship, even if one partner is struggling with self-love issues. But in that case you need to be very clear and open about it, both committed to working with it and carrying the weight of it and you need to be very aware of how it impacts the relationship.

I think you should speak with your boyfriend about the worries you have and the consequences you’re contemplating. Ask him how he feels about it and what he wants to do. Ask yourself what you are willing to do.

And don’t beat yourself up. Learning to love yourself is a journey that takes time. You are absolutely beautiful and derserving of love.

November 29, 2014 at 10:27 am #68544
Vhanon
Participant
Hi Dream 1992,

Everybody feels intimidated by the greatness of a night sky. We feel like a tiny stone when we compare ourselves to such an huge landscape. But are we worth any less? The stars shine their way, we shine our way. And if you look a bit more, you can see the sky, like it was almost embracing you with a tender hug, and it says “welcome, you are a part of me, I would not be this without you”. Look at the night sky and breathe the air, it is yours and belongs to you.

Your boyfriend chose you to make your world together, you are an essential part of it, with everything you can give or cannot give. You are better than every girlfriend he ever had, because he chose you to be at his side now. After knowing them, he chose you among them. And if he is that great guy you say he is, unless you lied or hid something to him, isn’t it an honour to be chosen by him among many? Please, feel proud. If his friends and family respect him, their will also respect his choice and understand why he chose you.

It is fair for you to be with him, because he decided so. He has a valid reason to stay with you, even if you cannot see it. You’ve got some qualities, you are not aware of. The question is, did you decide to stay with him? Or would you like to be with someone who is not that great, so that some other qualities of yours (those you are aware of) can actually be more useful? So that people can acknowledge the qualities you’d like to be praised for? Can you guess what he likes about you, can you accept it?

No, it is not wrong to take your time to sort your thoughts out. However, I believe you shall let him know your concerns and how much time you are going to think away from him. My friendly advice is to try to understand things with him at your side. Like Janice said, talk with him, try to relax and not push yourself to try to be what you are not comfortable being, and please understand you are worthy: he chose you.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by Vhanon.
November 30, 2014 at 2:16 pm #68579

Mark1
Participant

Hi Dream,

I was searching for sites that talked about living life to the fullest, and happened to click into this forum, and what you wrote just broke my heart. I have 4 girls who haven’t got to this stage in life yet by far (they’re all under 4 years old) 🙂 but I just saw your hurt and wanted to reach out and say that you are loved.

I think the only real hope and peace can be found in understanding who you are. I mean this in a very ‘big’ sense. Who you are is not connected to the things you can or can’t do, or by finding your talents or gifting. It’s found be realising you were made for a reason, and loved before you were ever born. You have immense value simply because God loves you, and smiled when he thought of making you real. He’s the one that’s excited to have you around. 🙂

Because the simple truth is that trying to find your happiness or approval in someone else is unstable ground. Don’t build your self worth on the sand. People change, you could fall out of love for each other, or just have bad days in the relationship. It’s not stable enough.

Try to really see that you were made for a purpose and by a someone that loves you.

No one can take that away from you.

This is what I would and will tell my little girls.

My answer might also show that I do have a deep faith that is strongly tied to this belief, but I really don’t want to push. Just start by knowing that you are loved, it’s unconditional, and that love is real.
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