Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Not getting over the past
- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 4 months ago by
Kenny.
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July 19, 2013 at 6:18 am #38883
KennyParticipantHello
I am stuck in the past. I did something bad to my brother many years ago. I am afraid that he will soon realize that this is bad and not talk to me or strongly dislike me. I am also dwelling in the past on what I did. In my mind I overanalyze this topic and thing it repetitively. I do not know what to do. Please help me. I have told my self to move on from this past moment that I learned everything I could from this memory. However the next day I end up thinking about the same thing and do the same steps, and feel guilty all over again.
Thank youJuly 19, 2013 at 6:44 am #38885
JohnParticipantThere are two schools of thought here and I waver between the two:
If you feel you’ve done something wrong, you can apologize for it.
However, if the other person doesn’t perceive that you did anything wrong or hasn’t clued into it yet, exposing another person to the wrong doing could be seen as being very selfish on your part as a way of trying to get rid of your guilt. Which I don’t necessarily agree with. Like all emotions, guilt, if channeled properly, can be a very powerful energy and catalyst for healthy change and personal growth.
If your brother hasn’t realized that you’ve done anything wrong, I would say keep that regret with you simply as a reminder that there’s some things you need to work on and direct your energy into becoming a better person and a better brother from here on in.
“The point isn’t to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them…Regret doesn’t remind us that we did badly — it reminds us that we know we can do better.” – Kathryn Schulz
However, be prepared that someday your brother may clue in, and at that point be ready to acknowledge your wrong doing and apologize for it. He may never forgive you, but what’s done is done, and you can’t turn back the clock and undo what has happened.
Crucifying yourself for your wrong doing isn’t going to help your brother or anyone for that matter, but you can start turning back the tide by working on your issues and helping others as a way of balancing out the karma that you’ve generated.
July 19, 2013 at 7:24 am #38886
LalehParticipantHi John,
Just to clarify “when we know better, we do better” is Maya Angelo’s quote 🙂 I’m just saying.
ANyways
Kenny,
I do agree with some things John said, but I do believe that you are more hurting in not telling him. The fear of him finding it out is holding you back from moving on, so the best way would be to rip off the band aid. You have to tell him one day anyways, or he will find out, so better do it yourself with some grace and dignity and buy yourself the rest of your peaceful days. Think about the worst that it could happen and see if it is better than what you are feeling right now. You will tell him how you feel about it, and apologize for what you did and ask him to forgive you. And the decision for him to forgive you or stop contacting you or etc. it is his decision and you have no control or responsibility for it. So after this, you do not feel guilty of the outcome because the his reaction to it, it is not your fault, at any moment a person has the power to react in a certain way. So by doing this you have freed yourself from the fear, and once you do that you can start forgiving yourself. That happened in the past, and if you two need to go through something you will, it is just your decision to accept it and go through it easier on your own terms or universe will do it for you later on in a harder way.
So take control and do it. The minute you know better you can start forgiving yourself, so you are already there.
If a person meant to be in your life, brother, mother, or anyone they will be no matter what, and if the relationship needs to devolve before it gets better it will.
Try to feel more powerful and take charge of your fear.Hope this helps
Love
Danubelle
http://www.danubelle.comJuly 19, 2013 at 7:26 am #38887KennyParticipantThank you for your reply
I forgot to say that 3 years ago right after the incident I apologized to my brother about it, but I am not sure if he remembers because we were younger at the time.Also, how can I stop dwelling about this? I understand that I have to be ready to apologize, but when I do this, I am ready every second of any day to apologize and once again I think of the incident
I understand crucifying myself wont help, but my brain just tells me I did something so bad, and that I am different from everyone else, I did something worse than eveyone else.
July 19, 2013 at 7:45 am #38890KennyParticipanthello lelah thank you for your reply
At the time I was very young and I did not know right and wrong or what I was doing. My brother was even younger. It is when I realized my right and wrong that I started to feel guilty. I apoligized to him once right after the incident in the past. I remember him forgiving me, but back then im sure he was also too young to know the right and the wrong. If I confront him, I am not exactly sure if he still would understand. Thank you for all of your support
kennyJuly 19, 2013 at 8:21 am #38891JohnParticipantAhhh…that makes more sense. I’ve been down that road before and others from this community have also expressed a similar experience: you do something wrong, you apologize, you get forgiven, but the guilt remains. Your mind playing tricks on you – “Did they really forgive me? Maybe they didn’t understand? Maybe…but what if….maybe….” Sounds like Super Ego run amok.
Check this book out: http://www.amazon.com/Soul-without-Shame-Liberating-Yourself/dp/157062383X
July 20, 2013 at 4:46 am #38927KennyParticipantthank you everyone I have talked to my brother about and he said not to worry that he forgives me thank you again!
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