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- This topic has 11 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 3 months ago by
Silvia.
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January 22, 2014 at 5:51 pm #49573
Barbara
ParticipantDear Silvia,
I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through – and first of all to say , what a fabulously strong person you are to keep down your airline job, and look after your daughter during this turmoil and stress. That truly shows your strength and courage as a person.
You have been through so much, and from an outside perspective – it is clear that you are undergoing mental and emotional abuse, and physical threats too. It seems that from what you say – it is your partner who needs help with his control issues. How dare he intimidate you in your home, and how unjust of him to put you in this position with your daughter standing by – whom no doubt you want to protect. The fact that all of this is going on would lead me to say – get away fast girl ! You have a job, you can confide in those friends that he does not like – and explain what has been going on,. Or perhaps you have sisters or brothers who you can stay with ? Whover is a good friend will help you out, even for a few weeks.
This man has no right to intimidate, and corner you, break down doors….who does he think he is ? You are the one holding it all together – working, and trying to keep things afloat – but you say yourself that there is ”no getting through to him”. Please dear sister – you can and will, as I think you know – be fine, actually you will be way more than fine – you will be great. Just take that next step to freedom, when you have things in place, and when you have your accomodation / living arrangements organised. Do not worry – that part will work itself out, once you decise to do it.
I hope there will be much more advice here, and well done for your steps in self care – yoga and meditation – which again is proof of your strength and will to keep yourself positive and as well as you can. Writing on here is also a great step, as you are reaching out ! There are organisations that can help you too – and I know that they would be very aware of the delicate nature of making a move – so maybe a womans shelter would even be an option for a very short time, or at least for good advice. The practicalitites will hopefully be all worked out.
Hearing your words ”i just want peace’ and ‘I want to break free’ it seems you want to get away and start a peaceful life – and one you deserve ! Please keep well and take care, and keep as positive as you can. Things will get better. You also sound like a kind, caring and intelligent person – you have everything going for you, and your daughter too.
Love and Namaste
Barbs 🙂January 22, 2014 at 7:07 pm #49577Matt
ParticipantSilvia,
In addition to Barb’s gentle and wise words, a few things came to heart as I read your words. Consider that there may not be a light at the end of the tunnel, because its already glowing inside you. Its remarkable, really, because your strength and hope are clear ringing in your words. Yes, there is a scowl and confusion, but you have a fighter’s spirit, dear sister. Perhaps what you need is some aim!
For the outside plan, consider Barb’s words, as they aim well. A woman’s shelter or other social group that helps women would be a great place to explore.
For the internal, perhaps a few basic strategies may help. The first is with boundaries. Consider that instead of fighting toward change, such as wrestling with him for space, you can turn that energy into the resolve to change. Said differently, imagine a warrior princess, learning to stand firm, stomping her foot into the earth. As she does, the thought is “I don’t like this, but I accept this for now”, such as bracing herself against a potent wind. As his words and actions blow out of him, imagine them going right into the earth and back to the goddess, to Gaia. It helps to switch your attention to the breath, such as breathing through a contraction. Resolved not to engage, but seeing how unpleasant it is.
Next, instead of playing his game, such as struggling or fighting, consider non-agressive strength. “I don’t like that” “I feel angry/sad/confused…” “I want peace, friendship” or whatever feels right. Try to keep it on your side, such as I think, I feel, I see, I want. His side might not change at all, but your side will move from chaos to resolve. Said differently, when we refuse to play their game, breathe, and just state our preferences and desires without aggression, we leave most of their burden with them. Play with your daughter, hear him yell for 30 minutes until he gets bored, runs out of ammo, blows out. Then look at your daughter and laugh at how silly some people can become when they’re scared. A blip, but small ripples.
Now, when he isn’t blustering, or you have some space around you, consider doing metta meditation to help strengthen and smooth out your energy. Intense struggles, like you’re experiencing, tend to knot the heart, much like muscles become knotted. Metta is the feeling of loving friendship, and is akin to the warmth that rises as you hug your daughter, sing to her, and imagine wonderful joys for her future. As we cultivate that energy, it works out those knots, so the ripples arent as long lasting, and we keep our momentum going. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if you’re interested.
Finally, I love how you wish to live a life of peace. That is a very beautiful thing, dear sister, and I hope you get to live that life! Short of him waking up and getting some therapy (or some other major shift for him), I don’t think you’ll find that life with him. In the meantime, perhaps some of the above practices will help you gather the momentum to break free. You’re stronger than you think, dear sister.
With warmth,
MattJanuary 23, 2014 at 8:43 am #49615I am
ParticipantYou are being abused and that is a sad thing. It also sounds like you are not the only target of his behavior so there may be a personality disorder going on with him and that can be so difficult to change. He is likely suffering with no idea why and has developed an unhealthy way to express his emotions. He must get help and learn how to not be abusive. This is something he will only be able to come to on his own and I guess that anything you say in trying to get him help will only end in disaster. I would recommend starting with your own therapist and see if that opens the door for him.
January 23, 2014 at 1:12 pm #49628Silvia
ParticipantDear Barbara ,
Thank you for replying to my post, it’s so reassuring to know that there are people like you out there, caring and compassionate. I have thought about a local womans shelter and your post has reinforced my thoughts and I am definitely going to speak to them. I am sure they have come across many situations and perhaps they could advise me on the next step to take. My only concern is who is going to look after my little girl when I am in work, the unsociable shifts make it very difficult for childcare and as she is a very clingy child, I feel I could not leave her with just anyone. That is one of the reasons why I feel trapped at the moment. Despite his abusive behaviour I can trust him with our daughter’s care, but he has assured me that he would not help me if I left him. Perhaps the womans shelter could shine some light on my concerns. Once again many thanks for your kind advice.
Love and Namaste
SilviaJanuary 23, 2014 at 1:30 pm #49631Silvia
ParticipantDear Matt,
Thanks for replying to this post. Your words of wisdom have really touched and moved me. Perhaps, like you so wisely suggest the answer is in me. Maybe I cannot change the situation but I can change the way I deal with it. The past three years have most definitely taken me on a path I would never have imagined, It has led me to spirituality and self improvement. I have been watching talks from “Tara Brach” that have brought me a lot of comfort and I will most definitely search “Sharon Salzburg” as suggested by you. I feel my heart is bruised and tired and in need of some attention, I have never tried Metta meditation before but I am opened to trying something new and test the results, thanks for kindly suggesting it to me.
Love and Namaste
Silvia
January 23, 2014 at 1:42 pm #49632Silvia
ParticipantDear I am,
I must admit that the idea of a personality disorder has definitely played on my mind and that I have done some research on it. His mum has recently revealed to me that he has past history of bad depression. I have tried to touch on the subject with him but he immediately went on self defense mode and I know from what I have researched, that it’s pointless trying to convince him to look for help, he must want to help himself of his own free will. Thank you for your reply and advice.
Love and Namaste
Silvia
January 23, 2014 at 6:56 pm #49640Howard Williams
ParticipantSylvia, I read your post several times. With a background in law enforcement and crisis management, I’ve worked with dozens of battered women. But I don’t like to give advice, so instead I would like to give some observations and ask some questions. Observation one there are only three places that a relationship can be. In, out, or on hold. I get that you are at minimum on hold and perhaps even already out. Observation two this is a very emotional situation. Absent that emotion there are three things that are evident. First you feel connected because of the past. Second you are in an emotional logjam in the present. Third you’re unable to see a future at this time. What is pretty much guarantee is that if you continue with things as they are, that will be future be your future. Question: what is your daughter learning about how men treat women? I noticed that you gave a lot of reasons why you couldn’t leave. But not much about why you should leave. Many of the things that you have been doing to find relief seem more to be tolerating what is intolerable. It would appear that when it’s all drawn down you have to choices. You can tolerate it, or make other plans. Without some outside influence the situation will continue to repeat itself over and over getting more violent as it goes. Listen to the cop here i’ve seen too many times. You have received some good advice from others. Matt pointed out that battered women shelters are available. Is there a reason you shouldn’t contact them and see what help they can give? Again, taking the emotional part out of your husband’s threats, most of it boils down to fear and not fact. On your own you don’t seem to have the emotional resources to deal with this. You are in a very difficult, but not impossible situation. You will only stay trapped if you are willing to do so. You do have other choices. Sometimes the only way out of this kind of situation you should go through what needs to happen to end it.
January 23, 2014 at 7:01 pm #49641Howard Williams
ParticipantSylvia, I read your post several times. With a background in law enforcement and crisis management, I’ve worked with dozens of battered women. But I don’t like to give advice, so instead I would like to give some observations and ask some questions. Observation one: there are only three places that a relationship can be. In, out, or on hold. I get that you are at minimum on hold and perhaps even already out. Observation two this is a very emotional situation. Absent that emotion there are three things that are evident. First you feel connected because of the past. Second you are in an emotional logjam in the present. Third you’re unable to see a future at this time. What is pretty much guaranteed is that if you continue with things as they are, that will be your future. Question: what is your daughter learning about how men treat women? I noticed that you gave a lot of reasons why you couldn’t leave. But not much about why you should leave. Many of the things that you have been doing to find relief seem more to be tolerating what is intolerable. It would appear that when it’s all drawn down you have two choices. You can tolerate it, or make other plans. Without some outside influence the situation will continue to repeat itself over and over getting more violent as it goes. Listen to the cop here i’ve seen it too many times. You have received some good advice from others. Matt pointed out that battered women shelters are available. Is there a reason you shouldn’t contact them and see what help they can give? Again, taking the emotional part out of your husband’s threats, most of it boils down to fear and not fact. On your own you don’t seem to have the emotional resources to deal with this. You are in a very difficult, but not impossible situation. You will only stay trapped if you are willing to do so. You do have other choices. Sometimes the only way out of this kind of situation you should go through what needs to happen to end it. Are you willing to take the first step for yourself and your daughter? If you are, perhaps a battered women’s shelter could start giving you some information to make your decision and plan in action.
With encouragement, HowardJanuary 24, 2014 at 8:00 am #49673ElisabethIII
ParticipantLove and violence can not walk through one door. Love is as love does and this is violence and hate. Leave! Write to Dr. Phil if you have to for help but get out, especially for your daughter. She is living in an abusive home and has no power to do anything about it because of her age, but you do. Your daughter and you are the two responsibilities that you have. He is responsible for himself.
If it is a disorder, he needs to recognise this and seek help. You can neither change him nor help him until he realises where the problem lies, with him.. Barbs, Matt and Howard have imparted very wise thoughts and observations so I am left with wishing you and your daughter the peace you both desire and need. Peace be with you.
Blessings,
ElisabethJanuary 24, 2014 at 11:58 am #49685Silvia
ParticipantDear Howard,
Your factual observations make a lot of sense and it’s good for me to hear from someone with your professional background who has experience in the subject. you are right in saying that if I carry on with things as they are, that will be my future. You are also right in saying that I am in an emotional logjam. The stress that I have been under over the past few years has worn me down and depleted me of vitality and strength. I need to really work on myself to strengthen physically and emotionally, and that is what I am doing at the moment with yoga meditation and healthy eating. I have been registered with Tiny Buddha for over a year now and I wish I had done it sooner as each of you, who replied to this post has given me encouragement and made me fee,l with each reply, a bit stronger. I will get in touch with a woman’s shelter and search for any similar organisations that can give information and point me in the right direction. I am sure that with the right information about the help available I will finally gather the courage I need to break free. Many thanks for your reply.
January 24, 2014 at 12:03 pm #49687Silvia
ParticipantDear Elisabeth,
Thank you for replying and for your kind wishes and blessings.
Love and peace,
Silvia -
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