Hey Tsukushi,

I’m sorry you are going through a hard time and I respect you for putting your feelings out on the table, seeking help, and being proactive about the problem you are going through. I repeat, going through – you will find a solution to it, and everything will fall into place as it is meant to.

The feeling I got as I read your post was that you are in a vulnerable moment, you are not feeling like yourself, you are overwhelmed and confused and want to fix your problem as soon as possible just to put it behind you, and I don’t think that is a wise or sustainable move.

Before I give my opinion on your practical situation with your husband, I do have to say, I’m sorry to admit but I think it was a mistake to tell him about your attraction to another. An innocent mistake, I agree, because it seems as though you were only trying to illustrate the distance you were feeling to him, but putting myself in his shoes, that must have just increased his fear of losing you and made him focus on the insecurity of betrayal instead of agreeing to work towards improving your relationship. I think “looking to the side” and engaging or nurturing any sort of feeling towards another man at this point, even if platonic, is a bad idea. You have a lot on your plate and not only should, in my opinion, focus on yourself and your relationship, but not depend on him for that sort of insecurity. That ship has sailed however and all you can do is simply continue to reassure him that you will never act upon the interest you felt in the other person, and focus on your relationship with him. Also, traveling with the person of interest also seems like a petty request to make him, and disrespectful as well. I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, but I am simply giving my opinion with your best interest at heart. I know how confusing it can be when we are inside of a situation, we often lose perspective and clouds blur our vision of what is right in front of us. When we are in pain, it is also common for us to be selfish, and I am not blaming you in any way.

Either way, as for your relationship, my suggsetion would be to find yourself, before making any rash decisions. Do some meditation, do some journaling, remember what your true values are, don’t cling on to feelings that you believe won’t help you reach what it is you want to reach. It seems to me as though you want to give it a shot, but are simply going through a rough patch. It seems to me as though his insecurities are swollen and that is having an even more negative effect on you. My opinion is, you really should try and fight for your relationship, not “hang in there”, but “work things out”, give it a REAL shot. Not as in forcing yourself to feel certain feelings or to be a certain way, rather, open up to him – and that doesn’t mean spilling the beans on your attraction for other guys or telling him how you don’t like him anymore, I mean open your heart to him. Let him in. Engage and take him up on his offers to join you at conferences, on making efforts to change habits you don’t like, and try to join him hand in hand in being the leaders of your family. This isn’t just some guy, and that doesn’t mean you are chained to him, it just means that, since you have children together and he is all in on making an effort, it is worth a real shot. Don’t be in a hurry to make things perfect, just give it a chance, and if it doesn’t work out – you can feel the comfort of knowing you tried.

Reinforce your boundaries and conditions with him, and put effort in trying to make it work, just as much as you would expect from him – like partners, like a team.

Hope this has helped in some way.

All the best.

I’m so intrigued as I am also facing a similar situation (i had a baby with my new partner) and I would love to know how you’re continuing to go about this. I can relate to you so much as I hear you express your feelings.