Dear Katie:

Regarding your very last post: when he said “no you don’t”- a new connection, a new neuropathway was created in your brain between saying first to a man “I love you” AND rejection. This new pathway has joined a web of pathways that have to do with your relationship anxiety.

The man you are seeing, since you are having a physical relationship with him, asking him about his position on monogamy (having physical relationships with one woman at a time) is very appropriate.

Let’s say you ask him this, choosing your words, how do you think it can be the “kiss of death”, how can it bring the end of the relationship?

Another question regarding your original post, you wrote there: “looking back on where I might have picked up this feeling that I’m not good enough and any partner I have will eventually lose interest (or if they don’t, I will).”- how far back did you look and what did you see…?

anita

Dear Katie:

I just re-read your sharing from the first page of the thread, and I suppose you picked up the feeling that you are not good enough from your mother’s withdrawals from you. I think the “kiss of death” that you fear, in relationships with men, is about them withdrawing from you.

You wrote in your most recent post: “nothing I hear is ever what I want to hear”- can you state what it is exactly that you want to hear, what would satisfy you to hear?

You wrote: “I can hardly stop myself questioning the guy until he is probably completely overwhelmed and shuts down”- it is definitely possible to overwhelm a person by an ongoing interrogation- and it is possible for you to stop a questioning no matter how strong the urge to ask more and again.

You wrote: “it’s like sometimes everything I hear is negative even if it’s not. I can spin something neutral or even good until I’m able to re-create it as proof that the guy isn’t really into me”- I think you are trying to  protect yourself from the “kiss of death” aka withdrawal, I believe. You try to protect yourself by seeing-it-coming and being prepared (instead of not seeing it coming and being surprised).

anita

Dear Katie:

I am thinking you want to hear the man saying he never felt like this before because if he felt like this before in a previous relationship and the relationship ended, it means the feeling was wrong, and so, it can be wrong in the relationship with you too. And no matter what the answer, the relief is temporary and you “start getting anxious that they don’t feel like that anymore!”-

Feelings are not tangible. You can’t put them in the bank and be assured that they keep their value; you can’t hold on to them and keep them whole. Can’t depend much on feelings.

This is why character is important, that is, the values a man practices. Choose a character, and your chances for a loving relationship, a desirable, lasting relationship is much better. Maybe a reasonable questioning of a man values, or better observing his values in his behavior with you and with others, is more sensible than asking him about his feelings.

Nonetheless, fear is very powerful. I know that very well.

anita

Dear Katie:

Yes, I still struggle with fear, and am making much progress in my long, long… long process of healing from a life ruled by fear. I will describe my most current understanding of fear by responding to what the person who told you “never do anything if it’s fear that’s motivating (you) to do it”-

When you are in real and imminent danger, you will respond effectively without thinking about it, the animal nature in us provides us with that mechanism. When we are not in real and imminent danger, and we feel fear, many of us, many millions of us, will do anything to be relieved of fear, first thing that comes to mind. Often it is a self defeating act, resulting in more sickness, physical disabilities and even death. Unless dead, we will keep responding to fear any which way, do anything for relief, no matter how temporary the relief. We will do anything that once provided a relief, even if it no longer does- the memory of past relief is motivation enough (to inject, snort, smoke, overeat, drink, submit to harmful people, etc., etc.)

So yes, if you are motivated by fear, and you do have a moment to think about it, do not act impulsively, think beforehand. The more thoughtful choices we make, the better our mental health.

You wrote: “The thing I’m most scared of is probably what I need to do the most!”- responding to some people assertively still scares me, it did only yesterday. But I remembered what I wrote to a member on the Forums: it will feel better with practice, be patient with the process. I often remind myself of what I post here for others.

anita