Thanks for your feedback ladies!! It’s nice to know I’m not alone as I think this is what panics me most…feeling alone and like I will *always* be alone. Even though that’s never been the case and it’s not currently the case…it’s just crazy how we can make these things up.

Wendy – I hear you!! Definitely on the same page about feeling better when we have plans. Dunno why this is. I think ultimately my fear is that he’s just going to completely blank me at any point because he realizes he doesn’t actually like me but if we have plans together then hey, he has to follow through with that right? Typing it out it seems so silly. For the most part I know I’m a cool and desirable person with a lot to offer and love to share but like you said – when feelings get involved, it just becomes scary and so hard for me not to worry about the bottom falling out. I was going to hold off and not text him first yesterday just because I needed to see that he would in fact reach out to me after some time. But then I decided I should just be authentic (sometimes hard to know what that even is) and since I was wondering how a project he’s working on was going, just decided to ask about it. Within 2 mins he called and we talked for about an hour, and he even wanted to know if I wanted company. It’s stuff like this that shows me we just have different communication needs and I can’t put these expectations on him that he’s not even aware of. Still makes me wonder if he was eager to talk to me why he didn’t reach out first?!

The book I’m reading is “Insecure in Love” by Leslie Becker-Phelps. I’m going through it really slowly and I do think it will be helpful! I’ve never really been able to trace where all this insecurity and fear of abandonment came from because for the most part I think I had a happy childhood. No one instance of major trauma anyway. But this book is helping me see that there probably are some pretty clear factors from my past coming in to play. I think it will be a good one to go back to from time to time too. It’s got lots of exercises that get you thinking, and helps you identify your attachment style.

Eliana – thank you for sharing your story! It’s great you’re becoming healthier and good on you for taking steps to get there!! My parents divorced when I was a baby and I stayed mostly with my mom who I love to death and have always been close to but she has bipolar disorder and for as long as I can remember will swing (on a monthly or so basis) from being SUPER involved and energetic but also extremely sensitive and easily offended to being cold, withdrawn and removed. As much as I love her, I know this has had a big impact on my trust of people. I always feel like there’s something bubbling underneath the surface. Add to this the fact that when I was 6 she remarried a jealous and controlling man with three kids of his own (I’m an only child) who would not let me and my mom have any time by ourselves or ever do anything together, including visit my grandparents. She stayed married to him for TEN YEARS. Also my step-siblings were super attractive and popular and I always felt less than. ALWAYS. So I’m not sure if this is what’s contributing to my insecurity, or if it is like you said just the newness of the relationship and the fact that I really do not know where I stand.

Connie – I understand this frustrating need to push away just so he can prove that he wants to be with you. I used to do this with an ex of mine all the time. I’m glad I have finally let this behavior go, but I know how easy it is to beat yourself up over it. It sounds like you’re doing really well trying to deal with it. Agreed that mindfulness is probably key! Sometimes it is just so overwhelming and hard to stay the course. And I definitely agree that I have to find my own happiness. I think this is a major problem. Once I enter a relationship, that seems to become my main focus in my life! I’ve never been one to have a lot of hobbies or things going on, so when I start dating someone it’s so easy to just get wrapped up in them. But as I’ve gotten older and more responsibilities, I can see that there are SO many things I can get into that will take my focus from obsessing on a guy to just be able to enjoy time with him. I think you’re spot on.

Thanks again, hope to hear back from you guys! 🙂

Anita,

Thank you for your kind words! That means a lot to me. 🙂

Tears immediately welled in my eyes as I read your observation. Yea, it’s pretty clear when you look at it from the outside. Only in the last couple months have I been able to look at the role my mom’s issues have played in what I’m dealing with today. It’s hard to separate the love (and gratitude!) I have for her from all of this stuff. I’ve tried to bring it up with her but probably not in the most direct ways, which always results in her becoming very defensive and it never gets anywhere. Not that a conversation with her about it would change anything. Or would it? What do you do when you recognize why you are the way you are? What’s the next step?

At the beginning of this year after lots of pleading from me she finally sought help and was put on meds again and started seeing a counselor (she hadn’t taken meds for probably 15 yrs because of side effects). She seems to be a lot more evened out because of this, but it’s still hard for me to trust her reactions. We are very close but I have definitely started limiting the details I share with her about my life. Some of this has to do with advice that you have given me before, Anita. That she is my primary role model and so her opinions are huge to me and shape me more than I realize even today at 33. I don’t need her negativity clouding my already confused and anxious thoughts.

Anita,

Yes that makes a lot of sense that the solution won’t be found in a conversation with her! This is in line with the book I’ve been reading too…that it will take a relationship (even with a therapist as you said) that’s consistently supportive to strengthen those connections in my brain.

It’s hard to recall these conversations with other men to be honest. It’s more of a feeling that I got that things went downhill after opening up and becoming vulnerable. I remember telling one guy for the first time that I loved him and his response was to kind of laugh and tell me that I didn’t really. And before I told him I felt pretty sure that he felt the same and would’ve reciprocated. But after I told him that, I understandably felt like I had given something up and probably became more insecure because of that. I have just always wanted to know where a relationship is going (lock it down!) rather than just enjoy the ride and see where it leads. I’ve been told by more than one partner that I can’t “force it” and need to just let it develop naturally. I never really understood this until the last few months and having a (ex)partner who I felt like was trying to do this forcing and hammering out the future.  I also had a short relationship that ended after I expressed some insecurity and jealousy over his past relationships. Me wanting him to compare his feelings for exes with his feelings for me. This is behavior that I don’t do anymore as I’ve grown enough to realize it does nothing but feed my anxiety. Everyone is allowed their past loves, I know this.

I wonder if the relationships ended not because of the reaction of the guy to the “talk” but my own reaction. Like I didn’t get the reassurance I wanted so it sent me on a downward spiral of doubt and neediness and desperation. Even now I think I’m scared to talk to the man I’m currently seeing because I don’t know what his answers will be and I’m nervous how I will respond to this. If I don’t know, I can just assume that we’re on the same page, you know? But I feel like the more I do this in relationships, the further I get away from feeling a genuine connection with someone even though that’s what I want so badly!

Really appreciating your feedback Anita!

Thanks for weighing in, Coconut. I’m learning this is probably just his communication style and the fact that he’s quick to respond when I text him makes me feel good about it. This is one of the problems I have though – I rarely “just know”. My default is to assume the worst and interpret things in the most negative light, to validate my bad self image and low feelings of worth. Trying and making progress to change this, but it’s definitely a slow process with a lot of steps backward along the way.

Anita, thanks for responding. Figured it probably just wasn’t showing up. Even though I could see it, when looking at the page of all the threads, it continued to say you were the last one to post. Weird! Anyway, about the real issue lol and to answer your question…when I expressed my love and was met with “no you don’t”, I heard “don’t develop such strong feelings for me because that isn’t what this is and I don’t feel the same”. That was only about three years ago and I’m not sure I feel much differently about it now, although being removed from it I can see that maybe it was his own defenses at play.

Anita,

This is what I’m coming to see – that my interpretations are just that – interpretations! But they’re so deeply rooted and it’s exactly like you said – I didn’t even think to question it because I didn’t consider it could be wrong.

Today I’m not feeling a lot of anxiety and am just trying to be mindful and present and not worry and draw on the positive experiences I’ve had lately…the proof that the guy I’m dating is interested in me rather than seeing everything as evidence that he’s not. I wish I could always feel calm and confident and positive and not descend into spirals of anxiety and negativity. I guess that is bound to happen but the trick is to gather tools to be able to deal with it when it does?

I’m grateful for this conversation and would like to talk more too. I don’t do much internet-ing on the weekends but am looking forward to hearing more from you.