I’ve posted here a few times about my ex: he was my first real relationship (of 1.25 years). He was 30, I was 25. He was separated-divorced when we first started dating, I didn’t know what I was getting into. From what I’ve gathered during and after our relationship, several people have commented on his inability to understand intimacy. His wife wanted the divorce, emotionally cheated, didn’t want be married. How he may have contributed to that sentiment is up to speculation at this point. He never blamed her but didn’t tell me much about what he learned about himself from it all.

During our relationship, he constantly sought space to “think” and “process” his feelings. I sort of understood it, as much as a naive individual with no relationship experience and a fear of abandonment could understand it. But even when we were together I started sensing distance and aloofness. I had clingy, anxious behaviors that stressed him out. However, even when I was calm and stable, he would withdraw and start a new cycle of push-and-pull. It led to conflict, which led to compromise and understanding. He was a compassionate, good person and I genuinely believe he didn’t understand what he was feeling or why (or at least didn’t really intend to hurt me.) He was as open as he could be I think. But our conflict was always the same, and cyclical. He broke up with me after 8 months together, to “be on his own” and get his life together. He lasted 2 weeks and I took him back when he realized I was “the one for him” and he didn’t want to lose me. He finally said he loved me, and I returned it. 2-3 months later and he was back to his doubtful self and was telling me he knew in the future that he would need to be on his own for a while. He said that so many times. How’s that for stability and trust in a relationship? He was in therapy most of the time I knew him. He encouraged my own spiritual and mental growth and for that I can thank him. I started therapy but haven’t found much success there. I will keep looking soon.

After 1.25 years together, he broke up with me again. We had a big fight the night before– he was acting so cold and robotic, to an extent I had never seen before. I was hysterical and couldn’t believe what was happening. When we broke up he was an emotional mess and I seemed like the sturdy one, but he seemed fixed on ending things. He said he hated who he was and that he was never like this before. That he needed to straighten himself out. Be alone (or at least not with me) for a few months, maybe a year. Said he would be depressed if I was dating someone else, but that if the opportunity arose he wouldn’t be opposed to dating, himself. That he’d be open to it. There’s a chance he may have wanted to date others and didn’t want to straight out say that to me, or wasn’t aware of it himself. But that’s just guesswork.

We had met a month post-breakup (mostly at my request) to talk and it seemed like he really missed me and he kissed me a bit after talking for an hour or two. He was really curious what I was up to and how I was doing. But he didn’t mention getting back together and neither did I. He spent all his time traveling to visit family. He always did that when he wanted to “be on his own”, away from me. He never actually spends time alone, just retreats to other people. A month after that he calls me to tell me he’s seeing someone. I saw it coming, but it still hurts, 7 months later. I had already developed a crush on someone, but it hadn’t gone anywhere yet. It didn’t soften the blow. He told me they started seeing each other 5 weeks after our breakup. He’s known her for a very long time. She’s 11 years older than him (16 y older than me.) I think they’re an odd pair, but maybe we were too. My reaction when he told me: “oh.. that’s weird.”. She was the last person I would have expected.

Finally about a month or two later my crush finally asks me out. I’m ecstatic. We connect intellectually, in a way I never did with my ex. (Ex is more focused on the here and now and more down to earth, which I am not– I am more heady.) Things seem to really be taking off, except for the fact that we both already know he has applied for grad school and was planning on leaving this coming fall. I just wanted to enjoy our time together and see where things go. He seemed to want to take things physically slowly with me and was much less aggressive or forward than I’m used to, but I thought it was sweet. We dated for 2 months. I was gone on vacation for a week and towards the end of it it seemed like his interest suddenly dropped. He cancelled plans to see me last minute saying he “needed space and time to think” and that it had to do with him “moving, etc.” It stung, but I saw it coming due to his minimal responsiveness. We met a week later at my request and spent 5 hours together talking like good friends. It felt like a first date again and ended with us watching the stars in the grass, holding hands and kissing. We mostly never talked again since then, except in passing when we see each other. I think he’s been avoiding me.

Since he stopped talking to me, I noticed he’s been interacting more with a coworker, who is 5 years younger and seems like my opposite. Very feely, kind of a cheerleader, a bit (naively) full of herself but seems very nice, extremely religious (he and I are atheists), etc. Where I thought we connected intellectually, I fear that he didn’t appreciate that like I did, if he is indeed into this girl. They could just be good friends, but what really hit me recently is that he has been out of town for an event and among mentioning other people for different reasons in his facebook post, he concluded saying he was looking forward to spending time with this girl. Meaning she will be going out to where he is to visit. For a while I was thinking they were just friends– since when we were dating we kept things between us, through text, whereas he posts a lot on her wall sometimes (mostly internet memes), including a birthday post (which for him I just kept to text since it’s more personal). She’s posted stuff on his wall before we were dating, but now is more than ever. He also invited me (when we were dating) to his birthday dinner with mutual friends, making it sort of public that we were together, but she wasn’t on that invite list, which would be strange if they really were just good friends. He had a strange coffee meeting with a “friend from elementary school who was moving to town and wanted to talk about the city” before that dinner that even his best friend thought was weird (“on your birthday?”). But maybe I’m reading into that too much. I believed him at the time. I hid him from social media finally today– I should have done it since the beginning, but I thought that we could still be friends. Apparently he wanted time to date someone else. I thought it was weird that he ended things 3-4 months before he actually leaves.

Anyway, long story short– I actually really miss my ex still, and the feeling of being dumped for someone else (it’s already happened to me before so I’m extra sensitive) I think is bringing it all back to surface. It’s been 7 months and I feel like I’m progressing backwards. I was actually doing better in the beginning and crying less than I have been this past month. I think my last crush/dating experience was a wonderful thing to have (letting me know there are others out there) but I have yet to meet anyone else I am that interested in. I have tried online and it is pretty disappointing. It may not seem like it, but I am actually doing fantastic 90% of the time, but I have a lot of nights that I cry, and I am starting to have dreams again about my ex. When I was anxious about the last guy I dated leaving me (before he actually did), my nightmares were about my ex and his new gf instead. The rejection and hurt I feel from these two “breakups” is really digging that thorn in further. I don’t even know who to feel jealous of, or hurt by, or who I should miss. I am just all around sad and feeling rejected right now. I feel like I’d be exhausting my friends if I wanted to talk to them about this. They think I’ve moved on at this point, certainly. I think some of them may judge me for not having moved on already, even. I also found out about a month or two ago that my ex got his gf pregnant (after 3 months together) but she had a miscarriage. I don’t even know how to feel about that.

Sorry I don’t know how to write less. I already tried to trim it. I am venting and looking for pity/hope. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t get the urge to peek at my ex’s facebook or instagram, maybe to see if/when he’s broken up with his new gf. For the first time, I have started having dreams about us being back together again. It is so strange. I need encouragement not to do this to myself, to check his facebook. I know it will only bring me pain. I never have checked it after a month of being broken up, but I am afraid one day I may slip, especially if I happen to be drinking and feel this way. I am certain he would have been in touch with me by now if he wasn’t already being comforted by another. I don’t know why I miss him so much still. I guess it means I must have really loved him? I suppose that is one good thing… Is there ever a good reason to get in touch with an ex? I have such a strong urge to that I never had until recently.

• This topic was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by B.
• This topic was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by B.