Anita,

I will DEFINITELY send you pictures. Oh I am so excited – please be warned I love photos. So I may send you many! Take your time to look at them and no rush- absolutely none at all. I’m happy with how my hair turned out! I’ll show you. And oh my sisters wedding – that is not how I look at all! With all the fake hair and makeup! I was also chubbier then. Woohoo!

yes – what I meant was – did you sometimes after you did it almost forget that you went NC? After reading your post, I felt excited again. As I was leaving for dinner, I also had a heartwarming conversation with my door lady. She said “GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!”

It is weird – it’s like I need this constant reminders. People to keep telling me. And then I feel it again.

good morning,

thank you for thinking of me and saying those positive things. busy morning at work today – I will write soon. looking forward to it. hope you had a nice sleep.

calisister

Hello anita,

I’m thinking of the best way to send you photos because I want to describe them. I”ll think about it.

First, I wanted to see if we could address the “people needing to remind me of what I did so I can ‘feel’ it” – is this dissociation? (regarding NC).

Last night, the celebration with BJP was fun. I want to point out that my mother defined love differently to me growing up. She did not show love to me, but was obsessed with this false definition of love with the external world/people. I have taught myself what love is and I am learning what love is. But the point that I am trying to make is that – parrot always put SO MUCH emphasis on friends – she brainwashed me to HAVE to love every part of them, and if there was one flaw, everything was bad. I now know, after much talk with my sister about this too, is that they are simply friends. THAT IS IT. It doesn’t have to be life or death. With less emphasis on them, I have more time to focus on myself. I lightheartedly enjoyed last night. I had no irritation. Because they are just that, friends for enjoyment. I went to the restaurant early and got myself a margarita at the bar. I wanted to treat myself and sit alone. It was a nice experience.

Last night – I also had a dream. Very interesting one. I was NC with my parents, but it consisted of me going home (in the dream, it was my old house that I grew up in..a house that shows up in my dreams all the time). So it was a situation in which I was NC but I went home – and the NC was not spoken of. We were in the upstairs hallway and I had certain boxes – like shoe boxes of things that they had no access to and were only mine. The shoe boxes were just representing intangible things. So for example, one of the boxes had my contact info. When I was leaving the home, I took that box with me. The NC was not really spoken of – it was just an understood thing. I think they may have asked for me to stop doing that or come back to them, but I said no.

calisister

anita,

Yes – I understand. And thank you for reminding me. I definitely need reminders. I loved that initial feeling I had, and I want it to come back.

Yes – I always thought about that. How she has not had a single friendship with anyone. Obsessed with this delusion – and an ego that she is above everyone.

Maria- do you know how much Maria is in my childhood diary. Yes, it is truly insane. Her interaction with her was so toxic and so toxic for me to be home and watch. Oh, how I dreaded the times Maria would come. I had to exile myself if I did not have a friend over.

Yes – alone with my thoughts and feelings that were in boxes. It was a nice dream for me to have my box to myself and leave.

anita,

How wonderfully written. Yes very weird love story with Maria. I wonder why she was so obsessed with these people.

Have my sister or I ever told you about her affair with the landscaper from Mexico? His name, Nick.

Yes – I will write more about it soon.