Dear cali sister;

Interesting- my last note to my mother had the same thing in it, I too wrote to her that I was doing it for my health, that was my stated purpose in my last note to her.

* Which brings me to this question: you do know that this no-contact step will not bring you instant peace and well- being-  do you know this clearly?

It was not the magical solution I hoped it would be- it was a necessary step that made it possible for me to proceed in the long process of healing and experiencing a better quality of life, still an ongoing process.

As to your draft of the text, it is fine. If you want to consider this editing, do so. The purpose of my editing is that you keep this text (sent to both of their phones):

– to use it in the future, in case you do involve the police, as well as if you will need to get a restraining order from the courts (I don’t think it will happen but I cannot predict the future, of course).

– “You may never know why or think you have done nothing wrong etc.” is a waste of text space. You can add that, but it is useless. It won’t hurt if you keep that.

-“this is not my fault”- this is giving them more information (as if they needed any more) as to how they can further hurt you, telling you in so many ways that indeed it is your fault.

So this is what I suggest:

“I love you and care for you (…?), however I can no longer tolerate your behavior. For my health, it is the best decision for me to no longer keep in contact with you. Please do  not contact me anymore. I moved apartments- do not go to my old apartment or my new one, or to any apartment I may ever live in. If you do, I will call the police. Do not come to my workplace looking for me. If you do, I will call the police.”

I started with the Love part because in the beginning and for so long, you loved them so. Begin with the love part because this is what you are about and have been for so long, loving your parents.

You can add if you want something following “I love you and care for you”, or redo this sentence so to fully express your love for them, so that in the future, you will have the peace of mind that you did indeed express that love accurately to them, this one last time. If you want, you can add that love part to the end of your text. And maybe (?) add that your decision is final.

What do you think?

anita

Dear cali sister:

I had no idea you replied to me. I came back from a walk and decided to send you a note asking how you are doing, wondering if you are okay,  and discovered that you posted back early this morning. In the future, after you submit a post, see if your name reflects under the list of Topics. Sometimes it doesn’t happen and I am not aware of a submission. (If I was aware you posted earlier I would have replied to you long ago!)

Your edited draft reads fine to me- I now wonder if you sent it already??

anita

Dear cali sister:

“oh my god” is your most recent post. How are you???

(I will be away from the computer for an hour)

anita

Dear cali sister:

I just finished going through (not reading everything) all your posts and felt embarrassed about my last post or posts to you June last year, how I misunderstood you at that point. But then, this is why I am here on tiny buddha, to learn. I get better at understanding over time and work. I was wrong June: I inaccurately projected my mother into you and stubbornly held on to that inaccurate projection/misunderstanding.

What I  noticed is how kind and genuine, honest, straightforward, appreciative, gracious (and having excellent sense of humor) you were all along.

I am exhausted. I put together a collection of your words over time and will post them later. But the computer is on, so I will be checking in case you post.

One more thing: having read and re-read and then read again the massive sharing by your sister and you (mostly by your sister), I have no doubt that you did the right thing to cut contact with both your parents. I mean, I don’t think anyone in the whole world read so much of her and your writing, communicating with the two of you over the period of years- so I hope that my absolute conviction that you did the right thing comforts you!

anita