Dear cali sister:

What happened at work as I understand it (from email): you said something to one of your trainees about a co worker, another pharmacist. That trainee betrayed your confidence and told the pharmacist what you said about her. The pharmacist got angry, told your boss and approached you with the boss “in a very rude way”.  You became tearful and “apologized a bunch”.

Next, a barrage of thoughts ran through your mind, among which are “I am going to get fired”, “I am horrible at my job”, “what will I do when I see her again”, and “this is the end”.

You wrote to me that you want to “know the reality of the situation that happened (yesterday)”-

What happened is not the end, not even close (“The end is upon us” is Parrot’s voice). What happened is that you gossiped in the workplace, said something uncomplimentary to  one co worker about another. You made a mistake and a negative consequence to you materialized. Take responsibility for having made that mistake instead of saying on one hand that what you said was wrong and on the other hand, that she misunderstood what you said and took it the wrong way.

Your mistake was that you don’t talk in the workplace to one employee about another unless what you say is something completely positive that can not possibly be taken as negative by anyone, something that cannot be misunderstood by no one. That something has to be something short, for example: X is a hard worker, or Y is very dedicated to her job.

So what happened is done and it cannot be undone. But it can be forgotten over time as other things happen in the workplace, other gossips (by other people, not by you!), and business will go  back to usual, probably by the time you go back to work after your week vacation.

As you know, almost every person in the workplace, no matter their position, makes mistakes and you mentioned quite a few, for example M flirting with A and behind a closed door, just the two of them, as well as A flirting with you and screaming your name, and I forgot her initial, the woman who suggested to tell A that you have a crush on him and so  on and on. Thing is you need to keep your work relationships professional. Even though there is a lot going on that is not very professional and people get away with it, you can never know when your own non-professional behavior will turn around to bite you in the a**.

Therefore: no more flirting with A at all. No more talking about him with anyone at work. No more saying anything other than 100% positive to one employee about another, no matter anyone’s position.

When we are so afraid of making mistakes, and then we make a mistake and suffer the consequence, the tendency is to deny that we made a mistake. Which is what you did, saying what you said was wrong and that she misunderstood it and took it the wrong way. It is either one or the other, not both. I mean, she may have taken what you said farther than what you meant and said, but what you did say was wrong/ non-professional regardless of her taking it farther.

In summary: you gossiped, and got caught. Others gossip and didn’t get caught and will continue to gossip and may not get caught, no negative consequence, and it may be frustrating to watch, but it is what it is. You have to keep your behavior in the workplace professional at all times. And it is not the end of the world, you apologized and you were not fired. (Plus, if you were to be fired, you said there are so many jobs available within the same block or a few blocks to where you work).

anita

Dear cali sister:

(I did answer another thread after waiting about 25 minutes for your reply, so I am correcting myself: I may answer other threads while communicating with you).

Regarding your overthinking this happening Friday, this is nothing new, your anxiety is at least a couple of decades long, so no surprise that you are very upset over this. Plus you are about to have a vacation with a sister whom you love and she loves you, but there is a history of animosity between the two of you that has been ongoing for a long, long time. This is why I suggested ground rules for the two of you to follow the moment I heard of the planned vacation.

Here is a key point: your anxiety is not going anywhere. When you get a break, have a blast here and there, that break is not going to last. So it is very important that you learn to expect anxiety and not be surprised by it. When you experience a spike in anxiety, don’t try to eliminate the anxiety as if your life depends on it. Because even if the situation is corrected, the anxiety is not gone, it will latch into something else before you know it.

This is why my mentorship suggestion (brought about by you referring to me as your mentor in email) is a long term project. This is what I predict: when are thirty, if you persist in healing, your anxiety will be significantly less. Expect your anxiety to be as bad as it has been for over two decades to continue for the rest of your twenties. When you experience a spike, don’t get alarmed, it is .. business as usual. When you experience a spike, go to a plan (yet to be put together) and follow it while you are feeling very anxious.

In other words, when you are very anxious don’t try to feel okay before doing what needs to be done. Do what needs to be done while very anxious. This is the kind of work I see you doing for the next three years before expecting a significant lessening of your anxiety.

anita

Dear cali sister:

Okay, let’s start then. I am very serious about this and am ready. Let’s form rules for your behavior in the context of work and in context of your relationship with your sister. The latter is very relevant because in two days you will be spending time with her on vacation. These are the rules I already suggested regarding work:

1.  Do not say to one employee anything about another employee other than 100% positive.

2. Do not flirt with any employee in any way, shape or form, nor will you seek a relationship with a man at work outside the strictly professional work relationship in the workplace.

3. Do not share with employees any information on a crush you have on a fellow employee, nor other private information that can be used against you. Be friendly to all co-workers, but a friend to none.

Edit the above and suggest more, based on the Friday happening and otherwise

anita

Dear cali sister:

We are settled with Rule 1 and 3. Regarding #3. I think the verb to flirt is not specific enough, for example a smile can be considered flirting but it is indeed not realistic to have a rule to not smile to a person you like. But what about seeking a relationship with a co worker, particularly being that you are his direct manager?

Short term goals and long term goals- make a list for short term goals (specify time frames) and another list for long term goals, will you?

-I will be back in about an hour.

anita

Dear cali sister:

Yes, I felt a bit angry I suppose, feeling that I am investing more than you are, in other words, chasing you and I hate chasing people! But reading your recent post makes me feel better, I figure you are overwhelmed, not having slept much, the NC still being fresh, the happening Friday at work, so yes, you get credit for all of this!

Well, take your time then, take all the time that you need and have fun being out and about, distraction and some fun will be best for you at this point!

anita

Dear cali sister:

it is not a crime to feel angry at another, even at a friend, at a sister, at anyone. It is okay. I felt angry, you feel angry, it’s okay. Yes, I expected too much, then I corrected my expectation. We make mistakes, we correct. Same with Fri at work, we make a mistake, we correct, we move on. It is okay.

anita