anita,

I am processing everything you have written. Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. Write soon. Good night.

Anita,

I dreamt vivid dreams that I responded to a letter from parents and went home. – saw all the details that I hated. Experienced all the feelings that I hated. Parrot was saying things as if i had written a script. It was all so real. In the dream, I was in the car on the way to some type of Hindu festival. And I was writing to you – saying, oh no is this a setback, why did I do this, get me out of here. And then…. I woke up.

I look outside my window and at 6 am on a Saturday I see someone else’s bedroom light on. I think – that person can be doing anything. They are free to wake up at any time they want and do literally any thing. If it’s reading, painting, or just sitting. It’s their life and they are free. And…. so am I. Wow.

What has happened Anita, which I’m sure is common, is that I keep forgetting about the impact of this NC. How it needs to be processed and dealt with and celebrated. The nightmares, the anxieties, the random revelations – it’s all a part of the process and I feel that I may he ignoring the process.

So – I would like the focus of the next couple posts to be the NC. And what it means. I feel as though I did it- and then continued to worry about all my other problems. But no- I want to explore it. And experience it. For example – last night I was so anxious while walking pup on my street. Every black SUV I saw, my heart stopped. One of them honked their horn, I jumped and was so startled.

I feel moments of sadness throughout the day when I remember that my entire old chapter  of my life is gone. Almost like it didn’t exist?

NC must be explored more  – I feel like I just glossed or jumped over it. I want to explore freedom. This new world.

does this make sense?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by cali sister.

Hi Anita-

Difficult for me to write today. Thoughts should be more in order tomorrow.

I hope you are having a wonderful Saturday.

good morning anita,

16 days of NC.

I struggle with the supermarket – fresh produce. Yesterday, at the orchard, a deep feeling of sadness came over me (the only way I can describe it because that is exactly how it feels).

My father would have loved a place like that. He would have really enjoyed it – and would have gotten us anything we wanted to eat. He would have loved the pizza truck. As this feeling came over, I took deep breaths and spoke to myself. I said, “One more experience, one more day will not be spent on feeling bad/sad about them. Will not be dulled by them. Your life thus far has been all about them. Each experience saddened by them, in a variety of ways. No more. This experience is for you and yours to enjoy.” Throughout the day, those feelings would return at certain moments and then go away. This was my life. I remember vividly in college one day, it was one of the first beautiful days of spring. My friends asked to go to happy hour after class (I lived at home during this time). The entire time I was with them, I felt guilty that since it is the first nice day out, my mom would have loved to go to the park. I felt bad that I did not go to the park with my mom (would we have gone even if I went home – probably not). I realize that – perhaps I am not only projecting me onto pup – but also my mother. That guilt of her being home always. She would say when my father would get home from work, “I have been home all day, let’s go somewhere.” I think – this is it. It is her – it is parrot that I am projecting. That burden to take care of. Like my sister projected on me. I project on pup.

I look at the apples I picked this morning, taking some out to give my sister. The same sad feeling again. How my father would always buy fruits for me from the supermarket. How he enjoyed cutting an apple for me to bring to school/work. What is he doing now? I hope he is okay – I can’t help but wonder. I miss him..I think? I hope he is ok ——- a feeling that I have spent the last 27 years with. Always worrying about him, if hes ok – as if he is a child. This feeling of sadness – so familiar. At the NC — one of the points of the NC – is to no longer feel this way. To be free, this rebirth. It all takes time. As I sit here, it is like deja vu of me sitting in my old room, feeling this exact same way when he was in the next room over. This is a feeling that has been ingrained in me, and with time and speaking with you – it will be able to go away.

So. This new world. I feel moments of it, and when I do – it feels nice. Chapter two. Hm….

Dear Anita,

yes – and this is what I practiced when I had those thoughts that day. Refocusing them. I know with time they will get less.

now back to baseline boredom. I think this may be my biggest priority right now. Esp after I felt the way I did yesterday.

dear anita,

Glad to elaborate. When I say something happen, I mean an a life event of some sort to happen to me. I guess though – they have. New friends. New city. New job. I am over powered I guess with this want for romantic relationship that I forget about the others and that they are indeed “something that happened.”

This over emphasis comes from parrot, of course. She instilled a false definition of love in me – and she too searched her whole life for this love. Endless searching because it is a search for something that does not exist. She taught me to always wait for something..that there was always something coming…there is more. Life was about waiting for the next thing – because right now was not good.

This is instilled in me so I naturally wait. Have to rewire to understand reality.