Dear cali sister:

Good morning!

“I could be at an amazing art show or concert. In those moments, I still feel bored. What is this…”- is it connected to you in the past asking yourself during a concert: am I enjoying this? Am I? Or being in the ocean with your sister on one of those vacations with your mother and asking her something like: how do I enjoy this, how is it supposed to feel, or how am I supposed to do this (something like that)?

Parrot pressured you to enjoy things, first she made you miserable of course, then she demanded that you enjoy yourself, making the concept of enjoying very perplexing-

– brings an image to my mind: parrot places a fancy dish of your favorite food in front of you and then slams your head into it, and while your head hurts, she asks you: are you enjoying this? Or she says: why do you look unhappy, don’t you see- this is your favorite food!

anita

Dear cali sister:

I don’t capitalize the a because it is easier not to. Plus it looks better to me, the a in the beginning and the a at the end of my name being the same, lower case.

I was re-reading your old posts so to respond better to this current topic and will get back to you shortly.

anita

Dear cali sister:

Boredom means that the here-and-now experience is unpleasant. You wrote this morning: “parrot raised me to have a problem occupying every neuron in  my brain. So there was always something bad to worry about and focus on”. This kind of neural activity does not change just because we grow older or move and even when going no contact. At times, when we experience a newness in our lives, we feel different from before. But after a newness is no longer new, the old returns, the old neural activity, that is. Or let’s say you have a new busy job- you feel a relief from the same-old-same-old neural activity because a different part of your brain is busy and the anxious part is resting.

You jump from activity to activity to escape the same-old-same-old neural activity that in its less painful experience feels like boredom. You wrote this morning: “I could be out with friends every night of the week. I could be at an amazing art show or concert. In those moments, I still feel bored”.

The solution to the uncomfortable baseline state of misery works sometimes but not every time and often it doesn’t work that well. So you are in concert, you are not terribly depressed but you are also not that happy. Bored.

Clearly, the baseline state of misery, that same-old-same-old neural activity I mentioned, needs to change because exciting activity is not a satisfactory solution. Not that you shouldn’t seek exciting activities and an exciting life- it is just that it is not a satisfactory solution. You need to change the baseline state, the usual neural activity.

December 5, 2017 you wrote: “I have this intense pressure to enjoy things. If I go to a concert or any event- the entire time my brain is yelling at me and forcing me to be like ‘are you happy? Are you enjoying? Do you feel stress free? Is this the best thing ever?’… When I listen to a song and love it- the second time I listen to  it I pressure myself to feel the same initial I did.. It ruins my ability to enjoy”-

– you are trying to force yourself to enjoy. It is similar to a child in an amusement park being miserable and the parent screaming at the child: be happy! What is wrong with you! You are supposed to be happy, so be it!

– wait, this did happen, didn’t it?

anita

Dear cali sister;

I copied notes earlier from your previous thread that I did not use in my last post to you, so I am not done with the work I set to do this morning with you. But now I am so unusually tired, I am not ready to continue with it. I will later. Also  on my mind, tomorrow will be Two Weeks of No Contact- I am excited!

Regarding you being at a loss as to how to change your baseline- first it is possible. Second- it will take more communicating, of course, so patience. For now, I will not give you the common go-meditate and such advice (as good as it is). Instead I will say this: aim at not trying to force yourself to feel any particular way, no forcing yourself! No pressuring yourself to feel anything! Take away the force, the I-should-feel-this or that, and you are on your way to change that baseline!

I will be back later, take a walk, breathe some fresh air, hopefully I will be awake later. Post anytime.

anita