Dear cali sister:

I looked for the post and found it on page 7, Oct 8. In that post I responded to what you shared right before, that you were angry that your sister chose a restaurant near your apartment building so soon after your NC for her birthday, angry that she showed her parents-in-law blown up photos of your parents, so soon after your NC. I quoted what you wrote earlier: “I am so sick of hearing that is what she needs. I need things too sometimes… Always having to deal with things for the sake of others… I say ‘oh no, I’m fine.’ I come off as cool and chill with it- when truly, I am hurting… it is my freaking turn to be protected“.

I then suggested that you “became even more clear and specific about those things that you need. Make a list maybe?”

Today, eight days after that post, for the purpose of elaborating, I ask you to elaborate on “it is my freaking turn to be protected”- tell me more what is behind this sentence, will you?

anita

Dear cali sister:

What you wrote makes a lot of sense. It fits with what I know. Start the list then- every item needs to be a short sentence, just that one need. Examples: food when hungry, fresh air when it is stuffy indoors, company when lonely (define what kind of company), time alone when distressed, and so  on. (1.,2.,3…, a list)

anita

Dear cali sister:

By the way, this morning I expressed to your sister the part I told you that I will days ago. I wrote to her that I think it is a good idea that she expresses to you (if she hasn’t so far) that she is proud of you for the NC choice that you make, for this huge step in your healing, that she respects you for making this huge step. (Also I didn’t read your email reply yet- don’t have a visual of my email while on tb).

Regarding your list of needs- good list, see to  it that you indeed follow 1-6. Because you did establish NC almost two weeks ago (congratulations, once again!!)- you don’t need to deal with your parents. You still have your sister and there’s been plenty of conflict in the relationship with her.

What do you need from her in the context of time the two of you spend and will spend together?

anita

Dear cali sister:

You and your sister are two precious individuals who had the misfortune of being born to a mother-from-hell, stating it in a simple way. Of course, the relationship between two siblings from this background is not going to be smooth. The two of you separately did NC, she in 2018 and you a year later. Next step is to create a “New and improved” (part of the title of your thread) relationship between the two of you, something that you’ve already been doing. It is not and will not be easy to any one of you.

Now, most important in the context of your relationship with your sister (and in any other context) is that you need to be protected, that your thoughts and feelings are acknowledged and respected. Your sister loves you very much, she is very attached to you and you are in no danger of her cutting contact with you. So she is motivated to continue and improve her relationship with you. For the relationship to continue to improve- and to not regress- the two of you have to practice empathy for each other and to not accept mistreatment.

The rules that you sent her are all reasonable. What you need to see during the trip is that she is trying hard, that when she forgets this or that rule (and she will), that what follows is she correcting herself. Same with whatever rules she sends you- if they are reasonable- see to it that you try and if and when you forget- correct yourself.

-Why she copied and pasted to you what I wrote her- probably because she is overwhelmed, too much on her mind. She is working hard on her own healing and that is the best she can do, together with all the practicalities she needs to attend to. And you are doing the same.

The aim of this vacation is to have fun and relax. The aim  of the ground rules is to increase the chances that this happens. Unlike those dreadful experiences during the vacations the two of you had with your mother, no need to pretend anything, no need to pretend to enjoy, to do-enjoy-right. Don’t even aim to enjoy, just be. Soak in the sun and let the sun relax those over-worked brains of yours (yours and hers).

Minimize conflicts and problems, maximize harmony- this is the purpose of presenting and negotiating- if needed- these ground rules exchange between the two  of you.

anita

Dear cali sister:

Okay. I will get to your email within the hour.

anita

Dear cali sister:

I am thinking this: you spent many hours as a teenager and on daydreaming, fantasizing about exciting things, romance and all, didn’t you? I did. I remember we shared before that we have this in common. Thing is in fantasy everything we want- happens and it happens quickly. It takes second to bring up images, moving images, movies in our brain, as exciting as some of the Hollywood movies are, and even more exciting, because the movies we see and hear and feel in our brains as we daydream are fit exactly to our tastes, to what we find exciting.

In other words we can imagine amazingly exciting stories. That helps a whole lot to survive a lonely, depressing childhood. Fast forward, you are an adult and real life is not as exciting, not even close.

So, we have to transition from Fantasy to Reality.

But-I-don’t- want-to! A voice in me just screamed, no, no, don’t want to! Really, it is difficult to give up this rich fantasy life. But if we don’t, reality is forever boring, or boring a whole lot of the time.

When you give up on Fantasy, or I will say, lessen it a whole lot, you get used to a different speed of things happening (much slower), you get used to gaps between somewhat exciting things happening (way longer than the no-gap/ no waiting periods within a fantasy), and you get used to a lot of interruptions that you have no use to in fantasy.

I would say, aim at making this transition and you will be more content with reality. What do you think?

anita