A brief history of my relationships.

I don’t think I’ve been strongly in love before. I am a 30 yo male and have had 3 previous relationships in my life and have broken up with each of them. I have never felt like I couldn’t go on without them. I have never fallen hard for anyone. I’ve have pined after girls, but have never really pursued any relationships. All my relationships came about through the girl involved pursuing me.

I cheated on my last girlfriend once whilst I was away travelling for 3 months. We had been together a year at that point. I was really drunk but I wanted to do it. I rationalised whilst drunk that I would be able to forgive myself. We were together for 3 and a half years. I never told her about it. I was subsequently bombarded by guilt and  regretted it deeply. I hoped the guilt would go and tried to live with it. She was the closest I came to loving. I felt strongly about her and we told each other as loved each other. my behaviour suggests that I didn’t really care for her enough. Not being able to live with the guilt but not wanting to tell her was one of the driving forces in me breaking up .

I was a bit of a late starter and didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19. I got into 2 relationships whilst at university but they were more because I fancied the girls and felt that I wanted to catch up sexually .

In every relationship, even the 2 short term ones at university , it’s been agonising to end them. Ive always worried that I might be ending it with the one or throwing away something good that I just couldn’t see. I blamed myself for not feeling it. In retrospect I don’t really regret ending any of them.

In my current relationship we’ve been together for 8 months and I feel like I want out. I don’t love her fundamentally. She knows this.

I asked why she’s still with  a me, and she said she’s sticking around in the hope that I’ll change my feelings for her. She says she loves me. I think it’s a disservice to her if I stay with her. I’m seeing more and more that relationships take a lot of work and both parties need to want it. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted it enough in any relationship.

We live together. She moved in just under 3 months a go.  I own a flat, and she was living in a house share which disbanded. She said she didn’t want to live in house shares anymore and said she would either live with me or return home to her family in Manchester (we’re in London). I was reluctant to go ahead with it and she knew that but said we could give it a try.

we bicker a lot about house stuff but We’ve had good times and we get along pretty well all in all. Fundamentally I don’t feel like I want to be there. I got into this relationship 3 months after breaking up with my ex of 3 and a half years , so in retrospect this was far too soon. I found my current partner really attractive and just wanted to see where it went.

I don’t think I’ve wanted any relationship I’ve been in enough. I’ve never harboured a great desire to be married or have kids – at least not yet. Ive always figured that those things might happen in the future but I’ve never had the sense that I want them in the near future.Maybe that’s something that’s driven my ambivalence in relationships.

I’m worried that when it comes to relationships I’m never going to be satisfied.  This current relationship is the first time I’ve lived with a partner for a prolonged period and it’s highlighted how petty and pedantic I can be (with things like trying  reducing energy consumption and penny pinching in order to save money ). I’m very frugal and she’s quite profligate so we clash there.

Maybe I’m too guarded to fall for anyone. I’ve always been independent and easy going . I’ve always been wary of love and of falling too hard. But this does not bode well with any future relationship . My family never really expressed much love openly and I get the sense that my dad could quite happily survive on his own. This might be mistaken. My parents are still together and have been married a long time. They do work well together. I guess I feel there’s something wrong with me for not wanting to be in a relationships enough. I second guess myself and worry that I’m turning down good relationships. I worry about being alone in the future because of the way I am. My parents are very practical. They didn’t really express much love so perhaps I’ve taken on the message that relationships are things that you just get on with and stick at. I really don’t know.

Is there something wrong with me for never having fallen in love ?