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Negative thoughts and sex life issues

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  • July 18, 2014 at 11:31 am #61216
    Aquamarina
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    This will be my first post on the Tiny Buddha forum. I usually visit the website to read everyone’s own experiences with difficult topics and now I find the need to post something myself. So here it goes…

    I am 27 years old and have been in a relationship with my bf for almost 3 years. Our relationship has always been a bit of a roller coaster ride, especially in the beginning but what relationship isn’t right? Well, we have surpassed most of our issues and have been living together for the last 4 months…that’s all fine and dandy.

    The issue I’m currently having is being able to let go of something that really hurt me a few months back.(I’m a very sensitive person being a “Cancer”) We met at one of our parents’ parties together My bf’s mom is friends with my mom but we never met before than, we talked a bit here and there at said party and got to know each other. While at that party i noticed an older woman (in her 40s) talking to him in an overly flirtatious manner. I paid no attention to it then, seeing as we weren’t dating or anything of the sort.

    I don’t know what it is but i can read people…its intuitive almost…I had this vibe about her since the moment i met her. This woman is my bfs mother’s best friend and I’ve had to see her on more than one occasion at gatherings.
    So 3 months into our relationship I sum up the courage and ask him if he’s slept with this woman in the past. (I know! not something that I should ask, nor is it my business) but the body language she displayed around my bf was too much for me…
    He denied it. Fine. Our relationship continued. Throughout the months that followed I would occasionally bring it up, to again be answered with a “no, of course not babe’

    Having made the decision to move in together, I said OK now is a chance for us to put all the cards on the table and be honest with one another. I brought it up again…this time he admitted to it. I felt so gross and hurt. Not so much because he slept with her in the past (OK maybe a little) but because he had lied to me repeatedly. Not just that but I had to see her at all the family gatherings and witness her behavior in front of me….the way they would talk…on top of that this is her friends son! The audacity of it disgusted me. How could he have sex with a woman willing to possibly ruin a friendship? I’m sorry I dislike her with a passion.
    I know it was in the past…but if I were the one making him interact with someone i had slept with in my past he wouldn’t like that too much.

    This all occurred around Christmas time….we’re “OK” now but every now and than it’ll pop up in my head and sometimes i cant even have sex with him because I find myself thinking about it…what kind of things they did to each other or with each other. I feel so sick to my stomach that I feel the need to vomit. I don’t know what to do about it. I love my bf, I know he lied at the beginning because he was scared of losing me. I know that I shouldn’t be asking questions if I cant handle the answer…I’ve heard it all but what do I do about this now? It doesn’t happen often but when it does it bothers me to no end.

    Sorry about how long this is, I appreciate any advice.
    Thank you.

    July 18, 2014 at 12:39 pm #61221
    Matt
    Participant

    MaRia,

    Many of us have a history that is uncomfortable to share, and with your prodding, its no wonder that he felt afraid to be honest!

    Consider most of the issue seems to come from this shock that two people had sex. Partly because the roles are less typical, age differences, crossing of parent/child friendships. Even so, so what? Can you accept that your prince has some cracks on his leather saddle? Said differently, are anyone’s past choices pristine? Then why bother holding onto it?

    Another way of approaching this is to think about what you’re actually doing, here and now. Your mind is kind of spinning, yelling at people for having a past that is disagreeable to you, not what you want it to be. This prevents it from being simple. For instance “why did that happen?” “I don’t know, seemed fun, didn’t last, moved on…” “ah, want to rub my shoulders? This topic unnerves me, I could use a hand or two.” Why let it stand between you two? Why grab the whip? Why lash? Why build a wall? He shared some dances with unlikely maidens before finding his princess… but don’t we all?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 18, 2014 at 3:37 pm #61225
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi MaRia,

    I can see how your emotions would get the best of you. It’s a complex situation family and friend wise. Then there’s trust. I don’t blame you for reaching out for advice on it, though, because as Matt so aptly put it, this stuff is in the past, time to let it go and be with your guy in the present.

    As a Scorpio, though, another water person, my passion and dedication run high and the worst thing a girl can do is cross up on trust. I too am sensitive underneath. Being faithful is paramount. Maybe more practically because I would never be unfaithful or break a trust. Until the first time I do. Then, please don’t step on me with your heel because I’m really human.

    But, if you say my mistake (the not owning up mistake) did not work for you, and you expect honest communication and trust in the relationship, I would hold hands and say yes – me too. Please forgive me. I’d talk about what our relationship means and put into perspective that this other one is in the past.

    Again, it is 100% understandable that you have emotions and thoughts on this. What you need to do is to mentally forgive – everyone not just him – and work to build your own strong, trusting relationship. You’ll have other rough waters ahead, so use this as a way to grow.

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Big blue.
    July 21, 2014 at 6:25 am #61386
    Aquamarina
    Participant

    Thank you Matt and Bid Blue for your words of advise, I appreciate your taking the time to respond and it’s refreashing to receieve imput as I have not been able to talk about this with almost anyone.


    @Matt     – you’re absolutely right…we all have something about our past that isnt perfect. I am letting it silently sabotage our relationship. Who am I to use it against him? It can be a struggle at times (its so hard to not think about it!) but I will have to look past it if I wish to continue and keep this a healthy relationship.
    I am after all his princess 🙂

    @Big Blue, my emotions do overwhelm me most of the time….i wish I had more self control. Its crazy..if something or someone hurts me I just react. I dont think rationally because the emotions always get the better of me, i act on the moment and according to what my emotions “tell” me is the rational thing to do. Really, he thinks i’ve fully forgiven him he is unaware of how much it still impacts me. I will have to sit him down and have a nice loooong chat. You’re right, We are only human and I’m not perfect either. We will see how it goes. 🙂

    Thank you so much! 🙂

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