Hey everyone! I have suffered from moderately severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, depression, and daily general anxiety for several years now. Many underlying self-esteem problems were aggravated and greatly worsened by a relationship with a guy who regularly participated in pornography use. He would often ignore me and spend time with the porn instead, and he saw no problem with it while I was very opposed to it and saw it as cheating. I remember asking him about why it had its appeal when I was here, a real girl and a real human being who loved him, and he told me about how he’d come across something “really f__ing sexy” and how he /had/ to act upon those sexual feelings whenever he felt like it. I felt horrible about myself, as I do not have the body of a porn star and I never will. I would never be sexy enough to satisfy him, and I was replaced by fake and exaggerated images on a screen. I began researching how I could change my body in order to meet that standard of beauty, and considered several unhealthy means in order to finally be good enough to please him.

I am still affected by this crippling feeling of inadequacy, even though that relationship has ended. I recognize that thoughts of envy and rage are unhealthy for me, but I cannot stop my hatred of pornography. Sometimes I fantasize about beating those porn stars to death, ripping the hair from their heads, burning them, making them ugly so the men that I love won’t seek them anymore and they’ll want me instead. I cannot have a logical conversation about the topic, because there is an instinctive fearful withdrawal where I respond angrily to what anyone says to me about it. I feel like it’s my loved ones and the porn stars vs. me, that I’m alone. I wondered about becoming incredibly skilled with computers so I could hack PornHub and 4chan and destroy them both. I also feel distrust and dislike toward beautiful girls at my school, and it’s harder for me to make friends with girls than with guys. There is an instinctive withdrawal around the “cheerleader types”, and I still struggle with feeling beautiful. When people tell me that I’m beautiful, I’m convinced that they’re lying to me out of pity. I am scared to have another relationship because I refuse to put myself in a similar situation, and I don’t really trust men to love me over the “whores.” These intense feelings of rage and negative self-esteem are damaging me, but I don’t know how to fix the problem. It seems that I’m incapable of even thinking about it subjectively, and a conversation about it several days ago left me shivering intensely while crying on the bed.