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Negative People and What to Do about them

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  • August 15, 2016 at 9:07 am #112403
    Jeanne Forsythe
    Participant

    I’ve often read to just not be around negative people. They will bring you down and keep you from staying positive.
    But the other side of the coin is being there for people in need.

    I have a depressed friend who loves to be with me. I make time for her, but I always feel sad and even drained when we part. I try to get her to focus on the positive, but she has tons of challenges and it just isn’t easy (diabetes, amputation…).

    I also have a neighbor across the street who’s been texting my best friend who lives next door. He got flirtatious so she just stopped answering him (she is married, but hubby lives away and he got the wrong idea). He keeps texting that he’s depressed and just needs to be around people who can lift his mood. Recently, he texted that a good friend died. He keeps texting her even though she’s not answering.

    The first depressed friend also knows him and avoids him because she’s down enough…she says. Then she mentioned he could commit suicide if he’s really depressed and is reaching out and no one is there for him.

    I’ve tried to tell the first depressed friend that she needs to go to therapy. She said she has me. I said, “that’s an unfair burden to put on me.”

    How can we strike a balance with negative people? Or do we truly have to decide we have no time for them? If they aren’t around positive people, will they change?

    August 15, 2016 at 10:13 am #112409
    Rebecca Taylor
    Participant

    I would give the following unexpert opinion.

    1. It sounds like a very difficult situation. However, negative people are here to stay, so we might as well learn how to deal with them rather than trying to avoid them.

    2. You can’t take responsibility for your friend’s decision to change. Whether she changes or not will ultimately be up to her, regardless of what you do. Your job will be to figure out how to take care of yourself within the context of that relationship.
    That may involve setting some boundaries in the relationship.

    3. You might investigate your own motivations. What is keeping you in this relationship? That might provide some insight into your best course of action. Are you simply there to provide support, or do you need her to need you in order to boost your own sense of worthiness and purpose? If the relationship is based on mutual neediness, be careful.

    Finding a balance is in life is an ongoing challenge, one I work with every day. I have found that the difficult people in my life provide opportunities for me to increase my own understanding of myself and of people in general, and I like the ways I have grown through my difficult relationships. As the same time, I don’t go looking for trouble. Enough difficulty will find you in life without deliberately seeking more.

    Hope this helps! Hang in there, friend!

    August 16, 2016 at 3:01 pm #112523
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello
    You can’t take responsibility for someone’s depression . I have depression , but I never impose it on others as it is unfair . You are not their carer and it does get draining.

    I think that the only thing you can do is offer support but gave boundaries . If they want to talk of the same things , acknowledge and change the subject or say you are busy . V. Hard but has to be done .

    I cut out several negative ‘friends’. Don’t miss them one bit , I did everything to help them but they just made me feel bad . They even included me in their negativity ‘we can’t get men etc.’I was always positive to them , but it made no difference, nothing was good enough.

    August 17, 2016 at 6:02 am #112644
    Jeanne Forsythe
    Participant

    Thank you everyone.
    I try to pull back a little. Then I’ll go over and see how she’s struggling to make her bed. Or she gets all teary that she misses me.

    There are two other neighborhood women who are my close close friends. We used to hang out here and there with this depressed friend. I’ll call them Kelly and Jo. So I asked Kelly and Jo (both don’t work) to please check in on her now and then…maybe even visit or go out for lunch.

    They won’t. They both said she’s too much of a downer, she’s never ready on time and she moves way too slowly (because of the artificial leg). I had to let that go. I know I can’t ask other people to do what I don’t have time for now that I work full time.

    Then I said to Jo that I was going to go visit the depressed friend. She asked if she could come along. I said, “Of course, but why not visit her on your own sometimes so she gets TWO visits.” She said she doesn’t like to because it’s hard to leave. My depressed neighbor is really bad about saying “before you go can I ask you __________” and it’s never something you can answer or show her quickly.

    My depressed neighbor is my friend. I do love her. She fills a mother figure void for me. And, yes, I feel good when I help her. I just wish some other people would help her too because it’s too much for me.
    Thanks everyone!
    Jeanne

    August 17, 2016 at 9:22 am #112653
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jeanne:

    A relationship has to be a Win-Win proposition. You help your depressed friend- she wins; you “feel good when (you) help her”- that is the win for you. Continue for as long as it is a Win-Win. Since you work full time, if you visit her too often you will be hurting yourself and that will make it a Win (for her)-Lose (for you)- not a good idea. So visit her just as often and for as long as it works for you.

    Of course, you have no right to demand or push other neighbors to visit her. There are social services affording disabled people home care, people to go to their homes and help them with tasks. As a matter of fact, in California there is such program that a person can have their chosen person (no certification required, it can be anybody) get paid for helping them with every day tasks. Your neighbor would qualify because of her amputation.

    anita

    August 17, 2016 at 9:38 am #112654
    Jeanne Forsythe
    Participant

    Anita,
    You are so right! And I knew it was wrong of me to ask my friends to visit her. So, I don’t anymore.
    She does get help. First of all, she is married and he takes her everywhere she needs to go. Secondly, she gets some meals on wheels and physical therapy.
    She WANTS friendship. That one is tough because it’s depressing to be around her for very long. And when she’s delightful to be with (which is also often), she won’t let you leave or get off the phone. You’d have to walk out while she was talking.
    I tell her upfront (I have to leave by 9pm) and she’ll say “Can you just put my trash can out?” AS I’m leaving her house.
    I need to let her know she needs to respect other people’s time and then maybe she’ll have more visitors.

    Thanks!
    Jeanne

    August 17, 2016 at 9:46 am #112656
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jeanne:

    You are welcome. Then let her suffer the consequences of not respecting other people’s time. She is the one going on and on and asking for.. one more thing as the person is leaving. She is doing that, so let her deal with the consequences of her own actions. If you gave her the feedback of what in her behavior is problematic, maybe she will stop it. It is up to her to choose to behave differently so to get different results.

    anita

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