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Needy and looking for validation

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  • May 26, 2016 at 3:10 pm #105721
    Hannah
    Participant

    Needy and looking for validation
    Hi tiny buddhas,
    Recently (or maybe always) I’ve been struggling to feel happy or at peace with myself.
    I’m 22. I’m about to finish my law degree. I work full time in finance, as I have throughout my degree, and I’ve been flying off the island I live on every weekend for four years to go to lectures. I’m also training for a marathon in September. I can’t remember the last time that I didn’t have something to feel stressed about.
    I met my boyfriend nearly a year ago. He’s moving away in September to study medicine (that’s been his plan longer than I’ve known him).
    Somehow I find that no matter what I feel so inferior to him. I’m wracked with feelings of inadequacy that I’m not off on an exciting adventure. Often I think of how other people will pity me when he leaves and think that he didn’t love me enough to stay.
    He’s said fleetingly that we could make long-distance work, but I feel as though he’s just saying this to keep me around for the rest of the summer.
    He’ll be moving in with a group of his old university friends and living a great life while I’m stuck in my old life.
    Why it is that I can’t seem to be happy for myself or focus on my own goals, I don’t know.
    I’m planning to move away myself in a year and to go travelling before then.
    Somehow though, all I focus on is what others think of me and how inadequate my life choices have been.
    I feel as though I’m desperately looking for someone not only to praise me but to validate me.
    I’ve been consistently in relationships since I was 13 and I’m constantly moving from one huge project to the next.
    I’m motivated by fear of what other people think of me and my life. It’s become so intense that it has stopped me from even knowing what I want for myself.
    How do I let go of feeling so insecure and stop myself desperately pursuing someone else to rely on?
    How can I be happy with who I am?
    Thank you for your help, I feel so lost x

    May 26, 2016 at 7:10 pm #105747
    Theresa
    Participant

    First and foremost, understand that you’re a strong, successful, and valuable woman. You want validation? I want you to go back and read your post. You have successfully finished law school, that’s AWESOME, you run marathons, AWESOME, and you’re smart enough to ask for help, AWESOME!
    I understand the need for validation. I was a pregnant high school drop out at the age of 16.
    Since then, I have earned a bachelor’s degree, master’s degree, and I’m in the process of writing the last two chapters of my dissertation. Within the next two months, I will have earned a Ph.D. Somewhere along my journey I learned that the only validation that can cure a lost soul is the validation you give yourself. It’s easier said than done, right?
    Start by writing down 5 goals you want to accomplish over the next year. You say you want to travel, start there. Where do you want to go, what experiences are you looking to have. Keep the focus on you. Don’t look for a partner to help you decide where YOU want to go.

    Kindest Regards,

    Theresa

    May 26, 2016 at 7:21 pm #105748
    BlueBunny
    Participant

    Hi – you have accomplished so much in such a short period of time. I am proud of you from just the brief glimpse into your life. Somewhere in your drive for success you gave away your power; to your boyfriend, to your need to succeed, to your ability to love and be kind to yourself. Your perspective has shifted so much that you aren’t putting yourself first and this is not working for you. I was there 6 months ago and I took the Tiny Buddha course and it changed my inner self – completely. I took my time and found my core through this course. I put in the work to reshape my values, morals, and worldview. I took it very seriously because I was so unhappy and no one could bring me the happiness and peace that I was looking for. My energy is positive and I don’t speak to myself negatively at all. I am still a work in progress but I can say I now know what I want, instead of what I thought everyone else wanted from me. I learned to let go and that is how I got my power back from everyone and everything that I was giving it to.

    May 26, 2016 at 8:39 pm #105750
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hanjito28:

    When your focus is what other people think of you; when you operate from fear of being found inferior to others; it doesn’t matter what educational degrees you earn, the jobs you have… nothing matters.

    If your focus in life is you, then everything you do matters, the simplest things are satisfying.

    It is YOU that you need so to feel okay. Not others’ opinions and praise.

    I think that psychotherapy with a competent therapist will do you a lot of good. There, shift your focus, get in touch with the child part of you that you abandoned long ago, the part that says with excitement: “I want- I feel- I am!”

    Right now that part that knows and feels is dry and shriveled. Water her and she will fill up and stand up straight with pride just for being.

    What do you think?

    anita

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