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Needs not being met.

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  • October 25, 2014 at 5:35 pm #66773
    Sassypants
    Participant

    Hi there. Can I have some advice? I’ve been in a relationship for over a year. Recently I’ve been feeling like my needs aren’t being met. Are they too high?

    The guy I’m dating is from a low income area and constantly has bad luck. Dogs get loose, money, hit by car, and his car constantly breaks down so I willingly (he doesn’t expect it.) drive him places. I just feel like it’s never ending stress that I don’t need in my life.

    We hung out yesterday and had a great time. Today he had to help his family and then go to a birthday party for his friend. It bothers me that he never invites me out with his friends. It also bothers me he’s not financially stable. Lastly, I’ve been to his place only once. He lives with his brother’s family. Therefore he always has to stay here.

    He’s got a great heart, but I feel annoyed and angry about these points above. I work all week and really want to spend the weekend together. One night doesn’t cut it for me. Am I being irrational?

    October 25, 2014 at 9:48 pm #66777
    Steve
    Participant

    Hi Sassypants,
    I’m sorry your relationship is not going to plan.
    You have touched on one of my pet issues…NEEDS.
    I don’t think it’s very empowering to have needs. A need implies that, without it, we’ll die. We need food, water and shelter.
    The word need also instils in us a feeling of loss or missing out…if we don’t get it.
    I would instead say that I have WANTS or PREFERENCES.
    For example, I would like or prefer a relationship where we can go out when we want and spend time together privately. However, if that doesn’t happen, I will still cope…as there are other parts of the relationship that outweigh these inconveniences.
    If, on the other hand, you don’t think you can cope without those “wants”…then it might be time to move on.

    October 26, 2014 at 9:21 am #66798
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Not necessarily , you need not be irrational If Your story is True . When in a relationship , it is necessary that both partners be somewhat equal . BUT THHE THING IS THAT NEEDS CHANGE ALL THE TIME . If the present problem You have is solved , You will start to feel You want other needs .

    My best advice Would be to wait For some more time , At the MosT Two months . Why ? Because by this time he could change for the better . If not , You will be more resolute By the time 2 months is over And You will be fed up And You wont have any doubts And you Wont even need the help of this forum to take a decision whether To breakup or not .

    Also If You wait , In the end Your mind will be calm and understand That You tried to adjust As much as You can , But still since nothing happened , You had to take whatever decision . So Then You wont have any regrets since You Gave everything .

    Hope You Have somE Good news .

    October 26, 2014 at 2:20 pm #66837
    Sassypants
    Participant

    Steve you make a great point in needs versus wants, I stand corrected, thank you!

    Thank you Amul, love the stress free life article.

    Lastly, Alok, you have provided some insight. I will wait it out. I just don’t want to settle…. Thank you. xo

    November 27, 2014 at 9:56 am #68459
    Sassypants
    Participant

    UPDATE:

    First off Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for all of you the post your advice. 🙂 Thank you for dedicating your time.

    As stated above I have been in a relationship for a year now. He is wonderful, treats me right and really loves me. The problem is, I don’t think I love him back. I still fantasize about my ex. Although that past relationship was toxic the sex was mind blowing but it was only that. In my current relationship the communication and relationship is wonderful (we’re best friends), but the intimacy sucks in my eyes. I wish I could combine the sex from the past with the normalcy of the present relationship.

    I often feel like I’m going to end this current relationship and regret it because he is such a stellar guy, minus he’s not established in the work force yet. I can’t help that I feel an intense gravitational pull to my ex. I recently have been talking to him. I know this is bad. The heart wants what the heart wants but my mind tells me otherwise.

    I feel like I am unfair to my current man, talking to my ex behind his back. I also told him I didn’t love him and he still wants to be with me. I feel physically unattracted to him and just annoyed with him, like nothing pleases me. Is it my problem? I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to make the mistake of missing out on a great guy. I’ve been EXTREMELY honest with him and my feeling about this, but we continue to see each other. So I continue n this ship or get off? HELP

    November 27, 2014 at 3:44 pm #68471
    Anne
    Participant

    If you’re heart’s not in the relationship, then it’s probably best you leave rather than stay for fear of never finding anyone “better” or more suited to you. In the long term, being in a relationship where he is the one that loves more is probably going to hurt your partner more than the relationship ending. It’s been said many times that until we can learn to be happy with ourselves – and this includes giving ourselves ample time to mourn previous relationships – then we will never be happy with anyone else.

    November 28, 2014 at 2:40 am #68495
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    The question is – Does your boyfriend deserve to be with someone whose heart isnt entirely there

    PS: If you are sexually dissatisfied, have you talked to your bf about what he can do to make it feel better? Perhaps the technique or some other thing is off.

    November 28, 2014 at 5:05 am #68500
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Sassypants,

    I have also been in relationships where my heart hasn’t been in it, whereby physically I did not feel satisfied with my partner. As I felt my needs weren’t being met in one relationship, I would jump to another to fill the void. I would feel pulled toward certain ex’s for one night stands (while in a relationship with someone else) because I would just want to feel something, some sort of excitement that lacked in the other relationship. It was a vicious cycle. Though I am not saying that this is what’s going on with you, what I will say is that not recognizing my needs and what I really wanted from a relationship had left me stuck in relationship after relationship, making bad decisions that not only would hurt them but also myself and my own happiness in the long run. I am only now dealing with the pain caused from the aftermath of each of those relationships and what my bad decisions put both parties through. It is a long and tough process, but my happiness is now that important to me that I could not run away from it any longer. My advice to you would be if you are no longer happy with the relationship you are in reflect, journal and try to recognize what you truly want and need. I hope my experiences can help you in someway.

    With warmth,

    Tiny Butterfly

    November 28, 2014 at 6:18 pm #68521
    Sassypants
    Participant

    Heart vs head the never ending battle….

    Great insight Tiny. Thank you. I always feel like I’m the heart breaker.

    • This reply was modified 10 years ago by Sassypants.
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