Home→Forums→Relationships→Needing space from a friend I love who doesn't feel the same
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Anonymous.
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June 15, 2017 at 7:23 pm #153560
MomongirlParticipanti feel you 🙁
but you need to move on, because it will become so hurt if you just like this.
maybe its time to catch up with another friends, go somewhere for refreshing.
June 15, 2017 at 8:08 pm #153566
PunkinParticipantI’ve been thinking about taking a little trip, I think it would be a nice break. I know I need to reconnect with some other people, too. Thank you for your advice Momongirl, I really appreciate it 🙂
June 15, 2017 at 8:52 pm #153570MomongirlParticipantwish nothing but the best for you. i hope both of us finally get what we deserve, a man who loves us more than anything.
June 15, 2017 at 9:39 pm #153580
SamParticipantHey! I’m new to this site but maybe I could give you some advice.
To me it sounds like you’re still hoping for a relationship with him and that’s okay. You can’t help how you feel. But my thing is that, I don’t understand how your best friend can switch up on you like that. He’s your best friend and he should treat you with more respect, not play with your feelings. Personally, I would not acknowledge it and let it be. He had more than once to get it right if he wanted to be with you. I’m all for never giving up, but at once point you have to. When it gets to the point that you’re starting to doubt yourself, become insecure, and feel confused; that’s the limit. If he cares for you the way he says he does, he will approach you. If he never does, then you know you made the right decision and he wasn’t worth your time.
Thats what I can give you right now, take everything with a grain of salt 🙂 I hope it all works out for you! You’re a beautiful person and these little bumps in the road of our life is are stressful, but nothing we can’t overcome. Remember to breathe deeply when you are stressed and now that thing will pass too. Best wishes Punkin <3
June 16, 2017 at 6:49 am #153626
AnonymousGuestDear punkin:
During those eight years of having a couple-like relationship with him, you didn’t have a … couple relationship with another man, correct? And before him, did you?
It is my understanding that you are and have been very fearful of a more intimate relationship with him. I agree that you indeed “let fear keep (you) from the possibility”. To handle your significant fear, you exercised control. Your control was taking space and distance, repeatedly, avoiding the perceived danger in a more intimate relationship.
You wrote: “I feel childish for needing so much time to heal, because we weren’t really in a relationship”- you had a couple like relationship with him. You had feelings for him and he had feelings for you. Feeling so fearful of being hurt, you have been and are suspicious of his sincerity and motivations. And you retreat to your own space for a feeling of safety repeatedly.
The title of your thread: “Needing space”- this seems to be the focal point of your thread and this eight year relationship. Regarding the “friend I love who doesn’t feel the same” part of the title- reads to me that he did have feelings for you, strong feelings, but he was afraid too. I wonder if noticed all through those years that you were unavailable for a more intimate, couple relationship.
anita
June 16, 2017 at 11:37 am #153698PunkinParticipantMomongirl,
Thank you, and I’m sorry if you are also hurting. I wish you nothing but the best 🙂June 16, 2017 at 11:53 am #153700PunkinParticipantSam,
Thank you for your advice 🙂 You’re right I do have hope that it’ll work out and it’s killing me because I know I can’t move on and work on what I need to work on personally unless I do let go of it. I sometimes feel like he really just doesn’t want to let go of the possibility and that’s why he reached out on my birthday. But I know I can’t hope for the possibility and move on, like he seems to be doing, and that’s not good for me. I am filled with insecurity and self doubt, this is true. I need to deal with these issues, and I can’t do that while I obsess over this situation day after day. It feels better today than it did when this first started, so I guess on some level I know it will get better 🙂 Thank you for your encouraging words! (And welcome, by the way! I’m also new to this forum but I really like the community. I hope you find it helpful.)
June 16, 2017 at 2:53 pm #153722PunkinParticipantAnita,
No, I’ve only had this particular type of relationship and it was with him. I never had a relationship at all before I became friends with him. I usually (and still do) dodge advances from other men because you are right, I am uneasy about the idea of a intimate (physical) relationship with anyone, and the lack of experience with that did make me feel insecure, which prevents me from being fully present emotionally I think. This is actually something that I was very confused about during this situation because I know I love and care about him, I’m sad at the idea of losing him, and I actually liked what we had very much as it was (but I was still frustrated that we weren’t talking about it), but I didn’t feel like I desired more than that. After going through this, I’ve started to realize that I identify within the asexual spectrum, which I know not everyone understands, but after learning how others who identify as asexual feel about intimacy, I just know that’s where I’m at with it. So yes, I think my lack of showing physical interest, and my insecurities with my lack of experience kept me from seeming open to anything more, and because I’ve realized this about myself I do realize that that must have been confusing and frustrating for him as well. I feel I should deal with these insecurities, and spend more time with them before I can be in a healthy relationship with anyone, but it feels like I can’t do that while spending so much energy on the end of this one. I don’t want to beat myself up over what I could have or should have done differently, I don’t want to resent him because I feel like he wants to keep me on “the back burner” (when I really know it’s probably more complicated for him than that), and I don’t want us to try to hold on to each other if it’s not in either of our best interests (and I really don’t want that to hurt someone else in the process). Thank you for somewhat validating that it’s okay for me to consider this an actual relationship, because I have such a hard time feeling okay with considering it a break up of sorts. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me and share your thoughts. I really appreciate what you had to say and it was very helpful 🙂
June 17, 2017 at 9:12 am #153780AnonymousGuestDear Punkin:
It very much reads to me like “an actual relationship”.
I wonder if you shared with him that you view yourself as being on the “asexual spectrum”- if you intend to pursue asexual relationships in the future (perhaps with a compatible man on the spectrum).
If you’d like more of my input, let me know, anytime (and you are welcome!)
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