She isn’t related by blood. My dad’s wife’s daughter. And we were close growing up, but I always tried to avoid conflict. I guess I more have a feeling of jealousy from her behavior or the way she looks at us…so I could be wrong. She doesn’t have any blood sisters or cousins. She is the only child and the only niece in her family. All of the relatives our mine and my sisters. And my sister and I are so close so when I saw her picking on my sister too, I protected my sister. So maybe I’m feeling guilty for giving special treatment to my real sis…but it was because I felt she was innocent. So a lot of what I’m doing is speculating because I cannot get the answers from her. So what I need to do is know there is nothing I can do (because o tried everything) and forget and let go. But o still feel terrible to do that even though she was the one to break it up.

But growing up she was always spoiled a lot and treated well. She would tell our parents what to do until they did those things. I let it happen and now that we’ve said ‘no’ she is over us. However, we were good friends and she has done some many nice things for me on the past so I don’t understand the change. By the way, I left the country for a few years, came back different. My perspective had also changed after returning to the US so I saw my family dynamics differently. Does this help?

Hello,

We all have our own path. Your step sister’s path is one of fear, hence her need to control. By enabling this misconceived behaviour, your whole family is failing to address her underlying problem, her fear. If she is an only child, if she behaves badly, she is locked in a cycle of maladaptive behaviour. You mustn’t enable it. Be firm and consistent: she is welcome if she behaves well. By all means be kind, but don’t think your show of love and empathy will solve her problems.

Your path is different. It sounds as though you get on easily with people. Perhaps in a healthy way, or perhaps you are a people pleaser. That too comes from insecurity, but is a different response to it. Only you know the answer to this. It sounds as if your parents didn’t take control of and respond to this insecurity when you were children. It sounds like you now need a family strategy to confront both controlling behaviour and people pleasing. I would suggest family therapy.This is a big commitment, but there will be no quick fixes here. Self sacrifice won’t help.

Dear Rekalitsoe/ironwoman32:

I think that the reason you are obsessed with your step sister’s anger and disdain toward you (and toward your sister and husband), to the point of finding it, at times, hard to breathe, is because you believe deep inside you that if someone is angry with you, if someone disapproves of you, or otherwise displeased with you, that this person will harm you, hurt you.

And so, you believe that you are in danger for as long as your step sister is displeased with you. You are driven to please her (and anyone else who is displeased at any time, I imagine) by the drive to protect yourself from danger.

If you see it this way, who then, in your early life expressed their displeasure at you aggressively, in ways that hurt and harmed you?

anita

Dear Rekalitsoe/ironwoman32:

In your last post you wrote that you “have an internal agenda that I feel is a very strong one towards ‘good’ and my parents, teachers, friends, etc.” and I suppose that internal agenda, or motivation, extended to the people in the rural village where you volunteered.

You wrote that you gave your parents advice- early on, you mean, as a child?

What kind of pain or trouble were your parents in, when you were a child- what kind of pain or trouble were you able to help them with, or at least, you tried to help them with?

anita

Dear ironwoman32:

Your father, when you were in high school, vented to you his trouble with his daughter from his previous marriage and you helped him, trying to help him be positive, (hopeful for a better relationship with her, I suppose, it means). You tried to help your mother with her health.

You wrote earlier: “I can’t recall anybody ever being displeased with me. Aside, from small trivial things…”-

I am thinking you must have done a lot of helping other people to keep on top of no one being displeased with you. You only failed in trivial things. I think you have a strong demand of yourself, to help others, and when you fail, partly or fully, you feel very badly.

Your motivation to help others is admirable. Except for the part of it that is hurting yourself.

If you consider this last statement, and if you agree: what part of helping others is hurting you?

anita

Dear ironwoman32:

It would be a good thing if you could find a way to help others and not hurt yourself.

It reads to me that likely, when you were a child, a young child, you observed the pain of your mother/ father (either one or both) and felt it greatly. Their pain threatened your feeling of safety. From personal experience, I know how threatening it is, for a younger child, to see a parent in great pain, physical, mental. The danger perceived is losing the hurting parent and being left behind, helpless.

So the solution is to help the parent so that he/ she is strong enough to stay alive and be there for you, as you are dependent on them.

To help others without hurting yourself, best, I believe, for you to attend competent therapy so to process those emotional experiences of early childhood when you held so tight to the “solution of helping others, so tight, that not helping, or not helping enough means dire consequences for you.

There is this early anxiety here, for the child that you were, for the adult that you are, and so, it is not easy to deal with this.

Post again, anytime.

anita

Dear ironwoman32:

You are welcome. When you are a parent, and you feel hurt, fear, pain, and/ or distress of any kind, two things:

On one hand, don’t put on an act, pretending to be happy and joyful. Don’t pretend anything.
On the other hand, do practice self discipline over how you express your distress.

If your face naturally shows sadness, let it be. If a few tears happen automatically for you, let it be, it is okay and a good thing for your children to see their mother displaying emotions. They need to know it is okay for them too, to be sad, fearful, etc., and to express it.

But do not turn a few tears to become a crying session, do not vent your distress to your children. Do not tell them the story or stories behind your distress. Be very short about the reason for your distress, never going on and on and on. Never tell your children anything like wishing you were dead, or life not being worth living, and such.

As you do tell them why you are distressed, tell them succinctly, and add a positive comment to the story, something like you being able to endure the distress, being strong enough to handle the distressing situation. The children need to know they are in strong, good hands, that although you are distressed, you are strong enough to function anyway, strong enough to take care of yourself and of them. This way they can remain as carefree as children need to be.

anita