Need some advice on break up

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by Jeff.

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November 21, 2014 at 1:49 pm #68214

Katie
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Hi All,

I really value the perspective of this community so any words you can offer me will be appreciated.

This has the potential to be a long story, but I’m going to *try* to keep it brief.

I had been seeing someone for about four months. We have a lot in common, share similar goals for the future and enjoy being with each other. Great conversation, good physical connection (although at times awkward tbh) and for the most part really just pretty chill and nice. He was the one who initiated making our relationship official and exclusive. He is also someone who would do LOTS of future talk (when we’re doing this, living here, etc.). I felt myself starting to fall for him, but had some reservations because I have always had relationship anxiety (something I am working on and making progress on and desperately want to get sorted out). From the beginning, he has been somewhat emotionally distant and this is something that he has admitted about himself. Over time, I started taking it personally even though it had been that way from the get go. I’ve managed to hold back many of my needy and insecure tendencies through our relationship but this past Sunday they all kind of fell out. I say it that way because I don’t even remember exactly what I said. It felt like a panic attack. Basically it was an hour of me questioning him about his feelings for me and his feelings for previous girlfriends and blablabla. Just ick. We went our separate ways that day, intending to discuss things later after we’d processed. So the next evening, he dumps me. He said he had been going back and forth all day and a lot of other stuff – he’s thinks these issues will keep coming up, he’s worried he can’t give me what I want and is bothered that I am not ok with his feelings developing at a different speed than mine.

So I was calm, it’s his call. I wasn’t going to beg him to change his mind, even though I really do think that we should’ve been able to sort through this. I felt like he was making a hasty decision because he hadn’t had enough alone time in the past few days and was just trying to do whatever he could to get some peace and not have to deal with anymore emotional stuff.

Anyway, every day this week he’s texted me something casual. To which I respond equally casual. Yesterday he texted me that he just doesn’t like how we can have laid back fun and other times are so emotionally heavy. I said that I agree, and when we’re both ready we should talk about it. Then last night he said yes indeed, and then something casual. And I just said haha nice, have fun. And then nothing today.

I know I have issues to work on, and I am feeling excited to tackle them because I can see that I’m getting there. I think what happened with him is that I stopped practicing and checking in on myself. I became all about the relationship.

I guess I’d just like to know what to do? I keep going back and forth with whether or not to text him and what to say if I do. I know I need to keep it light, but his text yesterday has me confused. Like to me it meant that he’s not entirely done with it like he thought he was earlier this week.

I know my questions aren’t very clear, but I’m hoping I might get some feedback and perhaps a conversation from some of you kind, thoughtful souls out there.

Katie

November 21, 2014 at 2:41 pm #68215
belove
Participant
Dear Katie,

Every break up is hard. Hugs to you. Just a few months ago, I had to let go of a relationship too. Like your situation, everything seemed ok at the beginning – good conversation, many common interests, … But something was missing, and it didn’t feel like ‘this is it’. Everything happens for a reason. And the opposite is also true – something doesn’t happen for a reason. Sometimes, we are not meant to stay in a certain place because we are meant to walk through another door. This is hard, very hard. But it can be a time of self-reflection. Time to look into yourself and embrace all that you are and grow. Everyone, who comes into our lives, even briefly, is meant to teach us something about ourselves, and vice versa. Some lessons are heartbreaks, but they are lessons nonetheless. And sometimes, only you know what the lesson was for you after you have enough time to think about things. Give yourself this time. If things are meant to work out, they will. Focus on you. Embrace the change, reflect on them, and we’ll come out stronger and wiser.

With love and warmth.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by tinybuddha.
November 22, 2014 at 12:19 am #68225

Vhanon
Participant

Hi Katie,

It is true one may think forever on an issue or just take a quick decision and move on. Chances are that your boyfriend had many past experiences like that, things he was not able to handle. Maybe he just took a lot of time to think about situations like that, but in the end nothing worked out, so he just felt it was a huge waste of time. That’s why he took that quick decision, he saw an ancient pattern in the words you told him and decided that it was better to part than dealing with it.

It is a good thing you parted for the time being. So you will have the chance to think about whether you can accept him the way he is. Can you accept his past and his many girlfriend? Can you accept the fact that he needs to think more deeply than you in order to understand his feelings and in order to be sure you are the one he can trust and love? The more relationships one had, the more problems he faced, the more things he needs to be sure about before he can trust somebody else and be able to tell her with all his heart that he loves her. I’m sorry, you cannot be that quick with him, he needs to give you a stable identity in his mind, among the many identities of his past girlfriends. Can you wait so much? Can you risk he may not choose you in the end? That is the point, with that conversation and fight it seemed you could not. I understand he was the one to make the relationship official, but I suppose this was the misunderstanding: he thought you were committed to find out whether you would a nice couple before considering anybody else, his future talk were tentative plans he was proposing you to see whether you agreed, they were not something he was promising to do. On the converse you thought or felt that you were a nice couple committed to stay forever and his plans were actually going to happen.

Now things are back to a more stable pace, where you do not expect anything from him. It is much more comfortable for him, since he does not risk to hurt you with things you believed to be true but actually weren’t. This does not mean he is no longer thinking about you or wondering whether you can be a nice couple in the future. Somehow, he accepted your idea of relationship: since he could not prove you his feelings, he corrected the mistake in your view and told you that you were not in a relationship according to your idea, so that you could be free to look for a new man who may love you more quickly. However, this does not mean he moved on. He is respecting you and he is dealing with his fear from a safe a distance. He may still wondering about his feelings and may propose to you once again when his mind is clear. However, you are not a couple, do not expect that.

December 19, 2014 at 8:50 am #69506

Katie
Participant

Hi there! I know it’s been a while, but I just wanted to thank you both for your very thoughtful responses. Even though it’s taken me some time to express it, they really did help me when I needed it and I appreciate that so much.
belove – your words especially helped me more than you know.
I have started to relax into my single-hood, and am enjoying spending time with myself and doing things I enjoy! I know that I am right where I am supposed to be right now, and that is the most comforting knowledge to have. I also know that by giving myself some time to accept being single, and be happy being single, I will be more ready to accept a healthy relationship into my life.
Anyway, just wanted to let you both know how much I appreciate you having taken the time to respond to me with such honesty and care. 🙂

December 20, 2014 at 8:10 am #69552

Anonymous
Inactive

Hey Katie,

I said it in a response to you in my thread, but I am glad to see that you are doing well since your breakup. Communication is such a big part of relationships, and if the person you want to be with can’t let you know where you are at when you ask them, then I guess it might not be worth holding on to.

In summer, I was dating this one woman, and I think she broke it off because, after being around each other for about the same time as you were with that guy, I asked her where things might be at. Like you, I don’t like playing the whole game that some people seem to enjoy when it comes to relationships. If I like someone, and care about them, why would I play coy? It’s not a matter of having an upper hand over someone. It’s about communication and trust that will build a good relationship.

Again, I’m glad that you are doing well and have a good Xmas.

December 20, 2014 at 8:45 am #69554

Jeff
Participant

The most important thing to me, is to be happy with yourself. If you are in a place where you are ready for a commitment and believe this is the right person for you, then let go off your anxiety and need for him to feel the same. I found that holding on to the stress and uncertainty of a relationship is what causes it to break down. Have faith in yourself, and do not worry if he feels the same. If it doesn’t work you will have no regrets. Insecurities are often passed to the ones we love the most. So by seeking his constant approval and acceptance you passed him your insecurities. Be yourself, put your fears aside and let him go at his own pace. Does it matter how fast you get to the finish line?… or that you get there at all? it’s the journey that matters most.
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