Home→Forums→Tough Times→Need help in opening up feelings
- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by Yudine.
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December 15, 2014 at 10:20 am #69283vidaleviParticipant
This site has been a real source of inspiration and support for me since 6 months.
Before going into the main topic, some background about myself.
I’m a 33 year old woman from a conservative society where a single woman at this age is considered almost like a curse.
I grew up without any ounce of self confidence because I was fat dark and ugly.
I had lot of friends in school no one wanted to date me. In college I fell for a guy who cheated on me and I lost trust in relationships. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a family member who made me believe that he was friend and tore my identity and belief to such an extend that I believed that I was good for nothing. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and cut the person off completely. Also another close friend of mine dumped mw for no reason at all around the same time. Now both of them are involved in spreading rumours about me and cancelling or sabotaging all my potential dates.
I have ignored them completely and anyway I wouldn’t want to date someone who would believe in some strangers before meeting me. These stuffs happened two years ago and now I’m healing from all the hurt caused by certain people.
Now to my current situation-
I like this man whom I see while going to work. U would like to get to know him more but with all the experiences that I have had, I’m scared to open up. I don’t know how to approach him(he is mostly there with his co-workers and friends). I have decided that I would at least smile at him when I see him alone but that’s not happening and I don’t want to make a fool out if myself in front of his friends. I cannot drop in his office without any specific reasons.
I’m dead scared of taking the first step itself. And if I don’t do this now, I’m also scared that I may regret it later.
Can someone please help me how to approach this situation st this age. Any suggestions would be appreciated.December 15, 2014 at 11:09 am #69284Rock BananaParticipantIt’s such an important step that you have recognized this pattern and that you can verbalize what’s happening and how you would like things to change.
I’m sorry to hear of your past story, I did not have such a childhood or those experiences, yet I am also working on this particular habit, as I too developed a habit of avoiding people I felt attracted to, and hiding my feelings.
I have a feeling this is something that will take time and practice to shift. I think if you frame it as a habit, that will be helpful. You’ve learned some perspectives and some habits – avoiding people you’re attracted to, etc etc. This isn’t ‘who you are’, it’s just what you’ve learned to do. These are learned things, you will notice some people learned to do things differently. And so can you too learn to do things differently, if you apply yourself over time to that cause. The question is: is your current strategy getting you what you want? It seems the answer is no. So clearly if you are to get the results you want, then changing the strategy / system is a logical necessity. The system I speak of is all of the habits and perspectives you have developed around this issue.
First thing to realize: getting adrenaline when you see somebody you’re attracted to, and feeling nervous, is something that many, many people have, and is therefore pretty normal. The difference is what happens next. Some people feel fear then they run away. Other people have learned to jump into situations, fear and all, and approach rather than avoid.
I’ve noticed that having forced myself to approach, I have ALWAYS had a better experience than those when I avoided. Not only that, but I’ve often felt really happy and exhilarated after having approached someone I’m attracted to and talked to them. When I avoid them, I start feeling annoyed, disempowered and upset. THEREFORE: The momentary, temporary discomfort you feel when approaching is far outweighed by the awesome feelings you get when you take positive action and start creating what you want in life. And of course, the relief you get from avoiding the person you’re attracted to is nowhere near as powerful as the sense of regret and annoyance you feel after you have avoided them. Once you can get that, you can realize that you may be trying to avoid pain, but you’re almost definitely sabotaging your own happiness in the process, and bringing on a different kind of pain, that in many ways is even worse as it results from you not living the life you want to!
You know, I feel this is something we’re both going to be working on for a while, but just knowing the shifts you want to make and repeatedly trying on new perspectives and breaking old habits will be enough for you to work through this eventually.
Oh, and one other thing: Did you know that loads and loads of people are too scared to approach the people they’re attracted to. If you approach, even if you’re still nervous, you’re doing way better than all those people that run away from the situation. So you haven’t got much to lose…
All the best working through this, I feel a sense of comfort in knowing I’m not alone here. Though our past is very different, and our present too, I feel that we have something in common here. I wonder who’ll snap out of it first? Ha ha!
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Rock Banana.
December 15, 2014 at 8:40 pm #69307vidaleviParticipantThanks a lot for the reply.
Yes, I’m aware of the fact that once I open up, I’m more in control of my emotions. I had done that a year ago. I went and told hi to the person whom I had a crush on. Introduced myself and spoke for 5mins and left. It gave me such a joy. But later when I realised that he wasn’t interested in me, I felt so bad.
I know rejection is a part of this and would like to take it in my stride. But most of the time I end up being taking it personal.
I have noticed that I also have certain pattern in these encounters. I will be the happiest if my crush sees me or when I was in a relationship then, if that person calls me or meet me. The other days I will pull myself to the rock bottom and think that they aren’t interested in me or I’m not worthy of them. Those days when I feel like that are dreadful and scary. I think that stems from my childhood experience wherein I was called names and no one really made me understand my worth. Even now, I think I’m unconsciously looking fir validation from outside people.
Today also I saw him, but he didn’t even look at me and hence my day is doomed. I know and I keep telling myself that I should not place my happiness in other people’s hand, but this keeps happening.
I guess I really need to work on myself in order to get out of all these patterns.
I wish the best for you too and its good knowing that even I’m not alone with my emotions and feelings.December 15, 2014 at 9:32 pm #69311MayaParticipantHi Vidalevi
Hi… im frm INDIA..i can understand the conservative society… y do u need an external acceptance ? love or approval ??
Start Loving yourself…as u did cut the toxic people out of ur life… be gentle n kind to yourself… everything will fall into place….be open to things nut dont be desperate. start doing things you enjoy … YOUR PRINCE will come in search of u…with lots of love…Maya;-)
December 15, 2014 at 10:17 pm #69315vidaleviParticipantThanks a lot Maya.
Well…I guess I’m looking for both approval and love; approval being the main ingredient. And also I still do believe that someone good may come. But my family and so called friends keep telling me otherwise. They are like- ‘you are too old to dream about things like that. You are supposed to get practical. You are old and you will not get what you area of. You have to settle down with whomever comes even if you like or not.”
Now my family emotionally blackmails me and tells me that I’m a disgrace that I’m still not married and they cannot move in the society with their head held high. Everyone are making fun of them because of me. My friends tell me that now you cannot have any list of requirements for your SO.
I’m so tired of listening to all these and the sympathizing and wrongful looks from people when they know that I’m still single.December 15, 2014 at 10:29 pm #69316MayaParticipantHi Vidalevi
plz dont listen to people who put u down… even if its family…
even ur mother can give you wrong advice so its best that u
listen to ur heart…ur precious.. u hv full right to choose n dream now…
im also in similar situation like you…
but hv faith in God n in process of life… Even though its Late im sure u will get the best guy.
but dont make the mistake of choosing randomly bcoz of pressures and age.
my aunt got married late at the age of 36…today she is fine n happy wit 2 kids…
im saying abt my aunt bcoz u think ur old to decide things related to heart.
u hv Now….to change ur reality
u can be single…but dont be lonely…
n stop pleasing people..care little less abt their careless wordsDecember 16, 2014 at 9:10 am #69346YudineParticipantHi Vidalevi!
I agree with Maya! Your family are very pessimistic and discouraging, but I can’t fault them because some people are just born and brought up in a different environment and culture that makes them into who they are and what they think now.
So don’t listen to everything that they tells you, even though they brought you into this world and took care of you till now.
Love them as you would to anyone nice to you.
But look forward to your future with positive thinkings, and be brave~
I totally understand if you are shy, because I am actually very shy in opening up my feelings too. :/But ” They are like- ‘you are too old to dream about things like that. You are supposed to get practical. You are old and you will not get what you area of. You have to settle down with whomever comes even if you like or not.”
Now my family emotionally blackmails me and tells me that I’m a disgrace that I’m still not married and they cannot move in the society with their head held high. Everyone are making fun of them because of me. My friends tell me that now you cannot have any list of requirements for your SO. ”these are not healthy for your mind. You shouldn’t let these affect you.
Anyone is capable and totally deserve to dream. Sometimes, maybe they are just not good with words maybe? They might say hurtful things, but actually still love you as a family. It is like that sometimes with my family too. But from their actions, I know they love me. You certainly have the right to deserve what you want, because everyone has every right to dream of what they want. Looks isn’t everything. If you have a good heart, I believe you will touch someone nice someday too. 🙂And if you have a family in the future, make sure to never put down any one of them with discouraging words like your family now, because you know how it will hurt and affect them!
Think positive!
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Yudine.
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