Hello Everyone….New Here and here is my problem, Briefly

I’m a soon to be 30 year old with three kid as May 2016 a single mom, however I have always struggle with this issue throughout my life as child I was mildly/forced sexually molested by my biological father (who might I add encouraged/influence me that if  I said anything to my mom that it would break her heart) so for awhile I never said anything to anyone about the things he would do…. until I got old enough to realize it was a lie….Once I decided to open up to her…her reaction was heartbreaking (as she sat there quietly without any words to say about the situation the look on her face didn’t seem as if she was surprised but more like she already knew…….I ended up leaving my childhood home that night with my mom to live with a family member and still there was nothing said to me. I couldn’t understand why?? 3 days later after the altercation I came home with my family member to find my mother had left me there with my family member and return back to this asshole. Sadden the hurt begin to form I needed someone to be their for me I expected my own mom to heal my wombs but inside she gave me a call around 5:30 p.m Telling me not to say anything to anybody about what had happen to me or what took place on the night I left. CRUSHED I never spoke to her again, I was 17…..time went by I was filled with anger, pain, confusion and I wanted nothing more then to make it all go away(Partying,Drugs, Sex) whatever I could do to forget. But It never went away Now I was pregnant 1st child@19 scared and alone& my family seen me through it all…So eventually she shows back up….here&there still nothing from her as if it never happen. Forwarding 23 yrs old  the bastard died an believe it or not I actually tried to be there for her….deep within the rage still inflamed me each day I stepped into that house. time went on I’ve tried to overlook it but its still hinders me,  I feels as if it was the worst mistake of my life to let her back inside my life because it has never been a moment of remorse but more of taken advantage of me because she is now free from him an thinks she can just come around and be a mom to me… Its not Fair…. since then I suffered from depression, develop low self esteem, I have trust issue, a fear of molestation, My heart of love, happiness and fulfillment have left my body I’ve been in abusive relationship (1st), I tore my (2nd) relationship apart with insecurity&accusation which could have lasted but because i had my daughter in my 2nd relationship it brought on fear which led to other thing…..I’m currently in another relationship that’s I can’t fully commit to because of my issues of pass relationship.

I don’t like being around my family anymore so its just me and my kids most of the time, I become moody when ppl come into my space and its only because of my phobia….I have no friends…because I can pull myself out of my comfort zone. Shut myself off from the world basically(Hiding) if you will because I have made so many bad choices until I completely feel like I can’t breathe.

When I interact with other’s at time….I’m completely numb to the situation because I can’t get out of my own head I’m all fake smile forcefully trying not to let the emptiness float to surface. I feel as if I can’t begin to enjoy life again until I fix myself like fighting a losing battle.

Help Me…..

Thanks For Listening