*and by digging my nails into arms, to scratch the skin badly.

I apologize for the uncomfortable content

Dear anita,

You phrased it right for me. I should really stop this friendship right here then.

I’m less prone to do it when I don’t feed myself triggering content or keep myself consciously away from those thoughts by venting out through art instead.

Regards,

Javairia

Dear anita,

Thank you for the advice and the offer.

Bless you

Hi anita,

I’ve been feeling guilty since yesterday. It’s that I suddenly deactivated my social media when my pet got sick, two of my close friends got really worried about me. And I feel like a jerk to make them have worries for me.

And that guy texted me again, and unfortunately, I replied again. I’m thinking of telling him today that I won’t be available anymore to talk.

I feel like such a jerk right now. One of my closest friend is having a hard time during quarantine because of her strict parents. Her parents take out anger on her, and abuse her. I feel like, “bad person” complex is getting to me again.

Regards,

Javairia

Dear anita,

I let them know. but I only left a message “I’m deactivating for a while” to them. So they got worried why I left so suddenly. Because I didn’t provide them a reason. Especially the one who is having a hard time, was very worried. No we do not contact anywhere else, and we’re pretty used to having converstaions only there.

Dear anita,

I’ll take some time to think about what you wrote. Thank you very much for your time

Stay safe

-Javairia

Hi anita,

I tried a lot to come up with a reply to your former post for me, but I just couldn’t. I doubt the reason is: I don’t even know what behavior makes me a “good” or “bad” person. I am like a stranger to myself when it comes to defining what things are good for me or bad for me. Same with my qualities. I’ve been trying to complete my personal statement for universities, and you might know it requires an insight to the writer’s personality and useful qualities/ attributes. I couldn’t see a single thing through that said: Hey, I am a good fit for being admitted into a university, I can name my good attributes and prove them creatively. It worried me a lot. Will I stay like this? I feel like I never change in a positive way or move forward. It feels so bad.

My teachers and school counselor would answer this with, “You are a creative person. You are preserved. We like your energy and passion.” It feels like they are describing a foreign person, someone I don’t know about. I am never able to see through myself or say good things. Describing them creatively to Common App sounds far off from reality. It made me stressed out, because I can not explain this reason others as to why I’m not being able to come up with a personal statement. And my inner self scolds me every hour in front of the blank Word Document: Javairia, if your stupidity and stubbornness to come in terms with yourself will affect your goal to get into that first preference uni, you will regret this very bad. 

I am already regretting having to think I’m a fit for unis. I feel like my goals have disappeared after getting to know that I can’t even come up with a simple way to describe a good part of me. Who will even accept me the way I am?

When I read your response, I apologized to my friends right away, things were settled. I deleted that guy’s contact from my phone, and told him I won’t be available on texts. Although, he still follows me on Instagram, and messages me there. I have tried to ignore the messages frequently to cut down that communication too. I hope we slowly cut off completely. He’ll be completely better off without me, he is very social and vents out a lot to many people. So, thankfully I won’t feel like a “bad person” having him left unheard.

Thank you very much for wishing me safe. I hope things are going well for you, and you are doing great.

Regards,

Javairia