For years, I spent so long trying to find the someone i could click with and trust and grow so close to that i could call them my boyfriend…and then I met him.
Our friendship grew over a period of two years. And within those amazing two years we had a relationship for 7 months. He was best boyfriend i could have ever asked for; he cared for me, always reminded me how much he loved me and would go through lengths to do things for me and make me happy. we had a long distance relationship (he only lived an hour away) and over the course of those two years we tried lots of psychedelics together which really deepened our bond as we discovered our identities and what love and feelings and emotions and life meant together. It was truly amazing. We had such a profound bond not only as lovers but also as best friends. I find it difficult to seek relationship advice as nobody really understands the extent of our bond as many people believe I’m foolish and young and hormonal. My friends claim to ‘be in love’ or to have felt it but i truly don’t believe they have because what i shared with him is so rare and strong.
However, even though it was the first time i felt love it was also the first time i felt heartbreak. After having a gut intuition, and doing some snooping, I ended up discovering he had been messaging lots of other girls throughout our entire relationship. It absolutely tore me as i felt like I fell in love with the idea of him and not actually him. I felt like he had never felt what I had felt and I was so angry. This was a few weeks ago. But one thing about him is that even though he did this behind my back all he has ever done is love me and cherish me (as hard as it is to believe) and put me before himself. That’s one reason why it was so difficult to believe what he had done. I always felt like he loved me more than i loved him, he put more effort into our relationship than I did and I know he does love me.
It was this thought that kept telling me though our trust is broken, we can be friends. But this NEVER worked as it always circulated back to arguments, back to him trying to work the relationship again and the fights we had would be worse. I have so much anger towards him and what he did that I would start saying even worse things to him when before it was switched. He has anger issues and I keep inside a lot of anger. I’ve come to the conclusion that as much as it hurts I should leave him in the past and accept the good times we had…but i don’t know if this is right. I don’t know if ill ever find someone like him and I’m scared it will hurt even more. I’m scared I’ll regret leaving because my mind changes 24/7 . Last time i went to break up with him in person we ended up making up and everything returning to normal. Every time things go wrong we seem to have this magnet in the both of us connecting us together no matter what goes wrong, and i know it’s love. I just don’t know whether to give up… I’m so confused about what i want, what is right, what is best for me… do I stay? Do I Go? Do i stay but try make things work as a friend? I just keep getting hurt either way.
I would love some advice ! apologies for the long rant
Thank you