First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

My first piece of advice, I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but you need to stop caring so much about what your family thinks of you and what’s best for you. Yes they’re your family, they’ve given you a home, food, clothes, etc. I know it’s hard to ignore what they want for you after giving you so much. However, you are an adult now. I don’t know how old you are, but based on that you had an IT position recently, I can assume that you are well over the age of having anyone tell you how to live your life.

My second piece of advice would be, to sit down with a pen and paper and write down what your goals are. Then ask yourself what you’re doing to achieve them? What’s in the way? I can assume a huge factor is your parents, and you see the issue here. You are not your parents and your parents are not you. They have lived a different life, grew up in a different time, with different people. Do you want to live the life your parents had or the life YOU want to live?

I wish I could tell you that there is something you could do or say to your parents for the abuse to stop. Unfortunately, the fact they have been this way forever and have gotten worse, I don’t think there’s anything you can do to make it stop, besides leaving. You have to show them that you are your own person, that you have your own drive and dreams. Perhaps once they see you being successful, they will come to their senses and apologize for being so hard on you.

It’s so sad to read this and imagine what you are going through, and again, I am so so sorry. However, the best thing you can do for yourself, is to leave. Do what is best for YOU and no one else, no matter if they’re blood or not.

You only live this life once, live it how YOU want to live it.

I’m wishing you the best.

Wow. That is a really intense situation.

First of all, I want to tell you that you are so brave. I cannot imagine how unsafe and exhausted you must feel from dealing with that situation. I also want you to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are completely whole, perfect, valuable, and worthy. It is your family who is greatly dysfunctional and perhaps even mentally ill. You do not deserve this whatsoever.

And now, my most important piece of advice : YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

We already know you are existing within an extremely toxic environment that is draining you on many levels. It’s time for you to go.

My next question is, do you have the resources to do so? Do you have support from anyone in your life who can help you? Could you go and live with a friend while you get grounded and heal? Are there any study abroad programs that begin soon you could transition into? Some other suggestions are Workaways.info, WOOFing, and jobs that have lodging included (can be temporary).

What I would suggest you do is make an exit plan. Are you safe? No. Then go somewhere where you are safe. Do your parents + brother make you feel/put you in physical, psychological, and emotional danger? Yes. Then they should not be told of your plan.

Strategize, make decisions, get out of there (and all of your things) as soon as possible. The day you leave you could bring several friends or trusted individuals that will stand with you & move your things out if it comes down to that. Do whatever you can to get out from under their control and never look back.

If only I lived in your country. I would invite you to stay with me for as long as you needed. I know what it is like to feel unsafe in your family home. I can only offer my support and solidarity with you. You can do this!! You are capable!! You have the power! GO and make EMPOWERING DECISIONS. I 100% believe in you!

Please keep us updated and feel free to reach out at any time! I would be so happy to help you make a plan or talk you through things if you need support. My email is chocolatecake88811@gmail.com and my name is Christine. 🙂

Dear Butterscotch:

You are welcome.

“I don’t even know ho I would leave here. Will I have to sneak out  in the middle of the night with all my luggage?”- yes, sneak out in the middle of the night or during the day if your family happens to not be there, and leave with your necessary luggage at the least, depending on what is practical and safe to do.

In the U.S., a woman (or man) planning on leaving an apartment/ house, but worrying about being attacked by the people present in the apartment, can call the police to arrive and be present when she leaves, to ensure her safety from the people she is afraid of. Also, in the U.S. there are shelters for women, homes in secret locations available to women who want to leave abusive/ dangerous homes. I don’t know if any of this, or the likes of it, is available to you where you live.

“All of you have advised me to leave, and that’s what I have planned to do. I will be leaving, but not soon unfortunately. So, I want to know how better I can handle myself and my sanity for the duration of my living with my family”-

– if you have your own room, and it is possible for you- lock the door from the inside, so that they cannot enter your room without your permission.

-spend as little time in common areas in the house, such as the kitchen or living room and stay in your room as much as possible.

-lie to them, tell them anything and everything that they want to hear, so that they are less likely to yell at you and make your life miserable. I am not recommending adopting lying as your character, I am recommending it as a time-limited way for you to survive an emergency, which is the warzone you live in.

anita

Dear Butterscotch:

You are welcome. Regarding your questions: I don’t know.

I am familiar (U.S) with employers seeing career gaps as a disadvantage when considering a potential employee. But I am not familiar with universities considering an applicant’s career history in the process of admission. As far as I know, universities operate for-profit, and are therefore interested in admitting as many paying students as possible, and are not concerned with if/ what you do with the education provided after you graduate.

anita

You are welcome, Butterscotch. I wish life will get much better and safer for you very soon.

anita