Dear friends, I have to admit the fact that I’m a narcissist.

While I am so very needy of admiration and fame, my non-existant self-esteem is crumbling. This is taking all the joy and happiness away from my life. Every time someone gets more admiration than I do, I feel a sharp pain in my chest. This often leads to messy thoughts about myself or even suicide. It usually goes away whenever someone says something nice to me.

My mother is a narcissist, and so does my brother have tendencies towards it. We both grew up in a messy divorce where our parents tries to please us in order to make us follow another one of them. We ended up nearly cutting all ties to my father, and living with my mother. We were also bullied in school during those years and got very little support with it.

I have had no luck with relationships either. In the past months I have lost nearly all my friends due to my actions, and haven’t managed to make many new ones. I have had one friend who I really love and appriciate, but I am so scared of losing him. A while ago I was in a relationship, that after the lovely start turned into an abusive and destructive prison for my lover. After all, I ended up leashing him emotionally and economically, and after it dumping him in a very bad way, and cutting all contant to him. For many months after this, I lived every day with that sharp pain in my chest. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have messed myself with someone like him?

I love to socialize with new people both in internet and in real life. Either I dominate the situation or I do not say a word. Every morning I am terrified to wake up, because there might have been discussion going on at night in which I could have participated, or worse, someone has gotten more admiration than I do. I am so bitter that I do not follow anyone on social media, in order “not to make them think too much of themselves”, nor do I give any likes or such, only if they help me boost my ego too. I just talk and do not listen, I HAVE to get on top of the situation.

I only go out if I know there will be people who either know or admire me. That is the way I can get on top of the situation. If I am invited to a completely new place, I usually make up an excuse that attracts some attention to me, and then feel very sad and lonely afterwards. I overthink everything into a point where there is nothing but anxiety. I love going out and meeting new people, but every time after such situations I feel very insecure and bad, because I am wondering what those new people might think or talk about me. I used to have a nice hobby of performing, but  I was destroyed by my deep fear of criticism, even though I faced none. I also belong to a community of artists and crafters, but I am too afraid of criticism to display my work, even though it has gotten a positive feedback from many people I know. I’m afraid people will come and make fun of something I have putten so many hours into.

As you see friends, this is truly destroying me. There is very little joy and happiness to life when living this way. I want to change. I sometimes want to admire other people. I want to tell them they’re good at something or they have something nice that I don’t. I want to keep my mouth shut and listen to what they have to say, and I want to respect their opinions, decisions and actions. I want to stop judging other people. And most of all, I want to be happy with no need for inflating my ego or feeling lonely and sad.

Is there any way a narcissist such as I can change? I want to thank everyone in advance for any help they have.