@jhumber

Don’t give up!

I am the father of two girls myself and have faced a similar struggle.

I will write back shortly (yet today) when I have the right amount of time for the right words.

Chin up. Talk soon.

Ninja

JHumber –

Let me try to help – as I’ve been in a very similar situation.

When things seem so confusing and out of control it can feel like you’re driving at night without any headlights. Frustrating – and frightening. Take a second to hit the pause button and “unpack” the issues – because there are many that you’re dealing with all at the same time.

Your girls
While my wife and I have been blessed with two healthy daughters, I have heard (both in reading and personal friend’s accounts) that having children with special needs (of any level) places a huge amount of stress and strain on any marriage. Most marriages end – and the children who already are challenged have an even tougher time. So, no matter what, I would suggest that you stay together for the sake of your girls. Remember, children thrive on consistency. They need you both – at the same time. Also, see an “added point” a couple paragraphs down.

Depression
As I’ve said in other threads, depression is real – and it can hurt and cripple. At least you both are acknowledging that you’re suffering from it. My wife suffered from it years before we met. This led her to a life of promiscuity, feeling of worthlessness and extreme sadness. Seeing a skilled therapist helped her navigate through it. And she has been on medication for it for years and it seems to have helped. A lot. I believe that we all suffer from depression to a degree. But some much more than others. Look into having it treated.

Love her – unconditionally
You and I seem to be very much alike – nice, hard-working guys who love their wives and want it to last. But I’m noticing you’re expecting something in return for your kind everyday tasks, trips, date nights, etc. It’s natural, especially for men, to expect something in return. “Doing chores, making meals, packing lunches … but still no love.” That’s rough! I too have been there. My wife has referred to herself as the “Ice Queen.” And when your kindness isn’t returned, it simply causes even more frustration, sadness and depression. The answer isn’t easy nor simple to follow, but it’s the best one I know: unconditional love. If you love your wife—truly love her—then love her even more than you love yourself. This is love – without conditions! And it’s rare. But when you place her best interests before your own, you are “adding” to what you’re giving. Meaning, no strings attached. And, hopefully over time, she will pick up on this. But it is tough. At times you will feel lonely, depressed and like you’re not getting a return on your investment. Short changed. Not what you signed on for. And all this is very “anti-modern man.” She’s trying to “give you an out” by suggesting separation. She wants to see if you’ll bail on her (part of her depression). Very kindly refuse it. Tell her that you’re in her corner and you’re never giving up on her – whether she feels love for you or not. Tell her that you have enough strength and love for you both. Tell her that you love her without expecting anything in return. Tell her that you love her unconditionally.
My wife picked up on this sooner than I had expected. And things are much better. So, it does work!
Added point: your girls need you to not only be present in their lives (24/7), but they also need to see you as an example of a man who loves his wife unconditionally. This way, they will know what type of man to look for later in life. And they are watching you (and absorbing) more than you could ever possibly realize. So, as an added “incentive,” do all this for your girls.

Be strong. Write back. I’m here for you.

Ninja

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Ninja.

jhumber,

It could be possible that what makes you feel love and loving (getting the girls’ lunches ready, planning a romantic date) or “acts of service” isn’t the same thing that makes your wife feel loved.

Have you considered reading “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman? While I believe he is a man of God, the topic of religion isn’t pervasive in the book. It gives practical advice for those seeking to reignite love (or fill their spouses “love tank”) in their marriages, along with stories from couples over his several years of counsceling.

While I believe that sometimes separation may be for the best of both involved, as anita seems to insinuate above, it is clear that you aren’t ready to give up on your marriage. But waiting for feelings to come back won’t be successful if that’s all you’re doing. Work is what’s required now. If you’re wife is willing to go to therapy, she may still want to work on it as well. I applaud that. Keep us informed, whatever you choose.

Best wishes.
Amanda

It does work. I am here (on Tiny Buddha) because I too have experienced probably the worst year of my marriage. But I learned just what I shared with you; that in order to rescue my marriage I had to put my wife before myself.

But you know this. You asked about timing. : )

Let’s see. About early August, I started this effort with a book called ‘The Love Dare.’ It’s a wonderful 40-day exercise that’s Christian-based. And it helped me greatly. You can pick up a copy at any Half-Priced Book store. Certain exercises in the book let your wife know what you’re up to (e.g., you leave her a love note one day, etc.). So, my point is, my wife became aware that I was making an effort. And our marriage was in crisis, big time. I had reason enough to attack her for things she never told me about her past. Real sordid things. But the book taught me about unconditional love. It changed my life. And our marriage. My selfish side (the easy reaction) wanted me to attack her, find out more and more, and make her “own up” for not telling me things earlier. And I did that for awhile (pre-book). But, as you can guess, that only made her defensive and pushed her farther away. The book taught me how to shower her with love — even when she had none to give me in return. And, I felt she didn’t deserve it! It taught me selfless love. Consistency is the key here. If you do one thing and she feels that “string are attached” then you go back to square one. And I did slip. I’m human. But slowly, little by little, over these past few weeks/months she has come to know that I am simply loving her. With no strings.

So, to answer your question, in about a month or two, and it’s getting better with each passing day.

But I don’t believe you’ve actually started yet. Your wife has to know your true intent: to fight for you both and keep your marriage alive and intact. Right now, she sees you as doing nice things. She may be suspicious that you want something in return or will be mopey and depressed if she doesn’t reciprocate with love and affection. Tell her, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Your life is more important to me than my own. I love you just for who you are. And I expect nothing in return. And even if you don’t feel the same way right now, I’ll always be here for you … and our girls. Always!”

This is laying the foundation. Then, consistency is the key. And, as another guy who’s been there, it will seem like an eternity. But the moment you make peace in your heart that she may never come around, she might. Mine did! But again, you have to accept the fact that she may never come around. Be at total peace knowing your doing the right thing — for her and your girls.

Again, be strong. Take this one day at a time. I’m here for you. And am happy to help you navigate through this.

Your strength will come through knowing that you are being the man of the house and doing the right thing.

Peace to you.

Always great to hear from you, ManBuddha! Thank you for your support and wisdom.

James, I believe you’re now in very good company. ManBuddha is very insightful.

Your road ahead might be filled with mixed feelings of frustration, loneliness, depression and possible anger. But it won’t last forever. Don’t succumb. You will slowly grow in strength and become a shining example of a loyal and loving husband. The key to unconditional love is to remain selfless, and not fall to feelings of selfishness.

We are here for you. Please write back as often as you need to. I’ll get the alerts in my email and will respond.

Dear James:

You wrote that you know that you have to be selfless. I disagree with the strategy to be selfless as a way to get your wife to love you back. I think trying to be selfless will take you farther away from being loved, by anyone.

If you’d like to explore the ways to be self-more, let me know.

anita

James –

I’m glad you wrote – been thinking about you.

I’m sorry that you’re hitting this tough, lonely time when you want something in return.

I can empathize – because I’m there, too. And I know how hard it is to muster the emotions to feel good about yourself when the one person who promised to be your soul mate isn’t encouraging – in fact, her not encouraging is discouraging. I know. I know. I know. And it’s hell. And while my wife and I have made positive steps, we have some ways to go ourselves. But it is far from over.

Here’s something that I recently discovered that has significantly moved our needle in the right direction. My wife and I have been married more than 23 years. It occurred to me how much different (and younger) we were then – and so was our marriage. So, marriages change, shift, weaken and strengthen over time. Like Jessi wonderfully said, “you’re going through a dark tunnel right now.”

When you and your wife first fell in love you were different people, too. But with years, children, stress, jobs, children’s medical issues (a big one for you guys), etc., those old incredible, sugar-coated feelings for one another waned. You are no longer discovering new things about one another. And you’re depressed. And depression is nothing to take for granted.

What helped with us is that instead of worrying about if my wife liked me, I focused on liking myself. I put energy into becoming a 2.0 version of my former self. I took up running. I started painting again. I didn’t ignore my wife and children. In fact, when my wife was busy or not interested in doing anything with me, I took my girls on “Daddy Dates” – to the movies, hiking, Saturday breakfast at some unique diner, etc. This is key: I found my happiness outside of my wife. But it didn’t mean I had to end my marriage. On the contrary, I realized that the more I kept pursuing her, the more she withdrew. So, I changed my actions toward her to “acts of service” – which is her Love Language. Oh, it’s hard. I desire her a ton. But if I channel my energy and attention elsewhere, the contentment fills the void. And, it’s quality time with my daughters – time well invested for any dad.

Of course, the “Pursuer—Distancer Dance” is nothing new – couples fall into it without much though. Here’s a great article on it, and additional tips on how to break it. (Ignore the fact that the examples they use have the genders flopped.)

http://movingpastdivorce.com/2014/10/how-to-break-out-of-the-pursuer-distancer-dance/

Build back your confidence. And believe me, there’s nothing women find more attractive than a guy who’s genuinely confident. She’ll notice – eventually.

Again, I’m going through this sh#t, too. Write back. I’m here.

Wishing you peace tonight.

Ninja