I awoke this morning to such an epiphany I cannot contain myself! I was going to put this in my journal but I thought it may be helpful to someone else as well.

Where to begin?? I am 51 yrs old and I recently divorced a man that I really thought I would spend the rest of my life with. You see, he validated my feelings of low self-worth. The non-verbal & sometimes even verbal feedback I received from him told me that any money I wanted to spend on myself was better spent elsewhere. Even though I earn a very good wage – I never purchased things for myself that were beautiful. I bought generic clothes from discount stores. I rarely left the house even though I was always home alone – he worked all the time. I told myself that I was being frugal, and that he would appreciate me for it, but I realize now that I just didn’t think I was worth it. I cannot blame him – he was mirroring back to me how I already perceived myself. I have read enough on this issue to realize that he couldn’t love me anymore than I loved myself.

I met someone at work. Quite innocent – I assure you. I did not reveal my feelings to this man until my divorce was a foregone conclusion. The feedback I received from my friend was very positive. He is dignified, self-assured and I find him very attractive. He noticed things about me – my traits, if you will, that I never really knew existed. His eyes had a light behind them – they “smiled” when we talked. At one point I thought he shared my feelings, but alas, I believe I have managed to sabotage anything that might have been with my incessant over thinking and self-doubt. I realize again – no one can love me any more than I love myself.

Since then I have been practicing meditation. I spoke to a counsellor, I journal, I read. I am learning to love myself. I bought some beautiful artwork for my apartment. I eat better quality food. I’ve bought clothes that flatter my figure. I’m caring for my body more now than I ever have in my life. I bought a kayak and I take it out every weekend because the time I spend on the water is supremely uplifting.

It may be that my friend at work will never feel the same way about me that I do about him. But that really doesn’t matter. He has given me his time, his understanding, his approval – very precious gifts, indeed. He helped me realize that I am so much more than I have allowed myself to be. I feel like a butterfly emerging timidly from the cocoon. I’m not sure what happens next, but I am not longer a lowly little caterpillar. I am stretching my wings and preparing to fly into the blue.

• This topic was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by LisaS. Reason: Rephrasing