My time with my wonderful boyfriend's depression

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 3 months ago by Shawna.

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July 31, 2013 at 3:25 am #39481

Anonymous
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My boyfriend is lovely; he is funny, caring, adventurous… we have beautiful, authentic moments together. We laugh, we play, we curl up together to sleep. That’s the good days. Then from one day to the next, he will slip into depression, and communication stops. In these times, he is wholly incapable of thinking about ‘us’, or of giving anything, physically, emotionally, to me. He is desperately unhappy, yet will not seek any help. Then, several days to weeks later, he will come out of it, with no concept of how incredibly hurtful his disappearance has been.

I am torn. The bad times are way less frequent than the good. When I am strong and can accept that this is about him and nothing about me, go about my life, be there for him but not get worried about it, he comes out of it much quicker because there is one less burden on him, and my unconditional support really helps. I think!

But I cannot pretend it doesn’t hurt; I am not yet enlightened and of course I am in many ways attached to him being happy! I get frustrated with him because while he will complain about many things that he can change, he doesn’t. I recognise the feeling when it comes up, because what he does is his path and what I ‘think’ may be right for him to do, may not be. Who am I to judge?

I think what I am trying to figure out is how I can accept the adventures and beauty of what we have together, while accepting the times that he is depressed as well in a way that will help him, and me. It has shown me many places I have been stuck, and as my third relationship with someone with depression, it almost feels like it’s too regular, that there is something I need to learn from it. What, and how?

July 31, 2013 at 5:00 am #39482

Buddhist Wife
Participant

Hello Bellamoon,

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles.

I am married and I also have a mental illness. In my case it’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Having a mental illness is a strain on all your relationships including romantic ones.

The way my husband and I deal with it, at the moment, is through lots of communication. I have been very honest with him about my condition and I have told him about how I feel and how it effects me.

However I think my husband finds it easier to accept because I am actively doing something about it. I have had treatment and I’m now looking after my health in a way that helps to manage my condition.

I think he would feel very frustrated and upset if I didn’t try to do anything.

I feel that you have to sit back and reflect on what sort of life you want to lead. Do you want to marry? Do you want to start a family? If so do you want to be a stay at home Mum? Do you want to own your own property? Travel? Start a business?

Perhaps then you have to decide, is the sort of life I can lead with my current partner, if nothing changes?

I would imagine that when you decide what it is you want out of life then you can move to a place of acceptance.

I wish you all the best.

July 31, 2013 at 7:48 am #39494

Matt
Participant

Bellamoon,

You ask some great questions! I really like how you are approaching it in a balanced way, acknowledging your own painful moments of missing his “up” times while not making his depression all about you. This leads you into that very normal quandary “how do I help the situation, from my side or his?” Depression is not easy for an intimacy, because it almost “pauses” as one partner disengages.

In my opinion, your side and his side are being looked at separately. From your side, as you say you’re not enlightened, which is really just your mind’s way of justifying its self-centric desires. Said differently, when he separates emotionally its painful, and you don’t like that pain! That’s very normal, and is worth examining, because pain is there to make us alert.

What I see is that you’re accepting the distance, and its that acceptance that is painful. For instance, when he is up, its “we cuddle” and when he is down it is “he is down, I am lonely”. Intimacy is more like a three legged race, where “we” is always existent. Said differently, both of you are impacted by depression in different ways, and that impact is very real for both of you. “We are suffering from depression, what can we do?” This isn’t his burden that you have to work with, it is a burden for the intimacy.

That being said, working with the depression has to happen from both sides. Have you done research? Sometimes it could be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency such as D. Sometimes it could be maladaptive stress coping. Sometimes chemical imbalances in the brain. Have you two been to a doctor? Are you doing anything to moderate the fall?

Consider that just because it arises in his body does not make it his problem. You have the right and responsibility to use your creativity and love to investigate and come up with possibilities. Then, as a couple, perhaps you two would be able to try some of the possibilities. This true of any and all disruptions to intimacy. We don’t demand that changes happen, but we have to honor that current patterns disrupt the connection, which means not only are we wasting time that could be spent loving one another, but communication is critical to the growth of intimacy… and without it, intimacy erodes. This is why staying we-centric is important from your side, because right now he loses that focus for some reason.

Hopefully its obvious that you can’t “change him” or be responsible for his decisions. However, sometimes when people get stuck, they don’t believe anything is wrong or don’t believe they can change their circumstances. This is one of the reasons Buddha said that the sangha was a pillar of enlightenment. Said differently, close relationships are critical in seeing our stuck spots, much like a mirror is important for seeing our face.

Perhaps some time when you two are in a “we cuddle” phase, you could gently take his hand and say “my love, I am suffering with something, could we talk?” and explain your side, reminding him of your unconditional love, as well as your feeling of painful isolation. Perhaps you might ask him what he thinks might help reach him in those moments, what he thinks would help him come back to the “we” view… what he needs in those moments. Then, even if you don’t feel like you’re connected during the next cycle, you’ll at least have a road you can take which will sustain the “we view” from your side.

I wish you luck and success along this road. You may not be enlightened, but your questions reveal a brave and loving woman who is on her way! Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

July 31, 2013 at 8:35 pm #39533
Lorraine
Participant
Hi bellamoon –

There are some possibilities for what you need to learn from this experience.

But it can be tricky to figure out.

Certainly on some level, a loving relationship requires we care about our partner’s inadequacies and want to help them fix things..

But, a line has to be drawn when we are sucked into someone else’s problems, to the point where we cannot even discern if we have a true love for them, or are simply satiating some need to be a “savior” for a person who has no interest in truly growing.. and it sounds like this is something you are feeling some frustration with. Is this a dynamic you’ve seen play out in your past relationships? If so, you might examine why it is you have a need to be “needed.”

It does sound to me from your post that you have an otherwise healthy relationship with your boyfriend, that the good outweighs the bad. This is good news.

Of course, only you truly know the answer. Only you can decide if the pain of when he is isolating is worth the joy of when he is feeling good. Only you know if his lack of interest in self development is enough to send you packing, or if he is worth sticking it out for.

Maybe his isolating is what truly bothers you moreso than the depression and lack of growth itself– because he is not reaching out for your support! It sounds like you care a lot for your boyfriend and are more than happy to be there for him when he’s in pain.. but you lose the ability to do so when he is refusing to interact. It takes away your opportunity to show how concerned, caring, loving you can be. That can really hurt.

You might examine whether you feel more comfortable in relationships with people who are somewhat emotionally distant, and if so, why.

Just trying to throw some thoughts out there to ponder as you search for the message in this experience..

🙂

All the best,
L.
- This reply was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Lorraine.
August 1, 2013 at 4:04 am #39539

Anonymous
Inactive

Thank-you, for such support, extraordinary help, and kind words. Matt, you managed to put into words everything I have been trying to piece together, making me feel very clear. I cannot thank-you all enough. Here’s to life’s journey 🙂

August 2, 2013 at 11:38 am #39608

Shawna
Participant

This is absolutely beautiful, insightful advice. I completely appreciate your response. I struggled with this issue as well with my ex boyfriend, and ultimately made the decision to separate myself. The communication and intimacy had completely stopped, he eventually ceased getting help, and drugs and alcohol became heavily involved. It got to the point where it seemed the problem was over my head, my happiness was completely compromised, and was completely absorbed with helping him and often enabling him, and not taking care of myself. I still beat myself up over making the decision to leave him and this problem. Reading this even made me feel like something could’ve been done differently on my behalf to help him. There’s a blurred line between what’s best for you, what’s best for the other person, and what’s best for your relationship, and how all three can work in harmony. Your advice is completely sound, in my opinion, on what you can do for the other person while keeping true to yourself. You can’t change them, but hopefully help them suffer less. I’m in a healing process from that relationship so it won’t be soon, but in my next relationship I hope to be more enlightened and healthy to be able to focus more on the “we” than the individual parts of the problem. Thanks again for this.
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