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September 14, 2016 at 10:23 am #115150
AnonymousGuestDear janice51:
My input following reading your post attentively: first, separate best you can your feelings of hurt and betrayal from your son’s. You feel great empathy for your son, this is very clear. The danger here is that you feel so much empathy for your son that the lines, in your mind, between YOUR experience and HIS experience are not solid.
This is very important, crucial, really, this separation. Therefore, calm yourself best you can every time you talk to your son about this issue so that you can really listen to HIS experience without yours interfering.
Let him know you are there for him, that he can talk to you anytime- but remember, if you don’t keep your experience separate from his, he will have a problem opening up to you. He needs to know you are hearing him and not a mix of him and you.
Hope you post again, if you need to and wish the best for your son. He was/ is betrayed and ignored and that is very regretful. I hope he learns as a result of this experience, somehow, to exert more power over his life circumstances where he can instead of becoming more passive and compliant, people- pleasing. That is something I would watch out for if I was you. The experience already happened and keeps happening, how it affects him long term remain to be seen and I hope it will, over time, empower him and not weaken him.
anita
September 14, 2016 at 10:43 am #115155
JaniceParticipantAnita, I know you are right, but unfortunately those lines of separation were already crossed last spring, and even now, though I am trying hard not to say anything further about my feelings. I did share my feelings with him a week ago, and he got angry at me. That’s why he won’t talk to me about it at all and says he’s fine. He asked me not to mention it to him anymore. So I know you are right and I SHOULD HAVE kept my feelings separate. I think he was assertive at first, telling them how hurt he was and asked them to stop repeatedly, but they didn’t stop, and the girl systematically worked at convincing him that since they cannot help how they feel about each other, he has no right to try and stop them. Then he became passive, and I think he bottled up the feelings. He is still “friends” with the guy, but they never get together outside of school anymore at all, no hanging out whatsoever, while previous to all of this, he and another best friend, the 3 of them, like brothers, spent most weekends sleeping over each others houses and such. Now he’s kind of cut off from both of them, because their parents are very good friends and now we are the “outsiders”.
I’m not sure whether he is telling the truth and that he really has no problem with it all now, or whether he is just being a people pleaser so as not to seem weak anymore. He did actually use those words, that he is being friends with him (and cordially friendly to her) because he doesn’t want to show weakness. I don’t know whether that’s a healthy attitude. And I do not want him to take from this experience that it is ok to betray your best friend and carry on with their ex girlfriend. They are 15 years old. We are talking about teen crushes, not falling in love where you have to accept that people are meant to be together. Teen love comes and goes and I don’t think it’s kind to carry on like that with a what used to be best friends ex. I don’t want him to think that was ok, despite the girl making him believe that it is ok. I would like to think he would stand by his friend and not act on a crush simply because a friend is more important at this stage in life.
September 14, 2016 at 10:52 am #115156AnonymousGuestDear janice51:
I can relate very much to how much you care and how very, very difficult it is to separate your feelings from his. My empathy is with you (as well as with your son).
And so that ship has sailed and your son already rejected further input from you on this topic. Best thing you can do at this point is to respect his assertion. He asserted himself with you on the subject, so best you can do as his mother is encourage his assertiveness by respecting it yourself.
To encourage his assertiveness, all you can do at this point, is respect him very time he asserts himself with you. If you ignore his assertions with you, my goodness, you will be doing what his ex girlfriend and his ex best friend did to him!
So calm down best you can. Stay out of the subject he asked you to stay out of- as difficult as it is for you.
Once you stay out of it long enough, your son will feel safer with you and so, when the next topic/ challenge occurs, then you can practice the separation more successfully, and hopefully, he will be open to your input then.
anita
September 14, 2016 at 11:10 am #115158JaniceParticipantYes, good point. I will bite my tongue every time I feel like saying something about it to him. So how do I hold my head high and interact with the girl, his no longer best friend, and their parents as I see them all the time at school sports events and such? And do I welcome that friend to our home if my son wants him to sleep over or something? I am also very hurt that his mother kind of backed away from our friendship. I’m pretty sure she felt bad about what happened but never said anything, just stepped back and didn’t contact me all. Now I’m stuck trying to make small talk at soccer games, but it’s killing me inside as my feelings were hurt as well, from his mother’s separation from both me and my son.
September 14, 2016 at 1:19 pm #115159AnonymousGuestDear janice51:
This is my input regarding the points you brought up in your last post: this is again about the separation between you and your son. At this point, you agree not to interfere with how he interacts with the people involved, since he asked that of you. But notice this: it is not his business how you interact with the people involved. After all, you were part and still are a part of the school events and if his former best friend wants to visit your home, it is your business, because it is YOUR home, not only your son’s home.
So what I would do is not have the former best friend (or the former girlfriend) in your home. If your son chooses to accommodate the two, it is not your job to encourage this. Stay firm with your position. Don’t facilitate the choices your son wants to make when you believe those choices are not for his best interest.
When you see the other mother in sports events, I wouldn’t bother, if I was you, to make small talk, not at all. She chose distance with you- respect her wishes as well, although not assertively or honestly communicated. Don’t try to get closer- stay afar from her. It is your choice whether to talk to her about the issue itself as it affects you. Meaning, don’t go on the defense of your son, but instead, tell her how her distancing hurt you.
Separation is indeed crucial as you proceed. By being assertive yourself about your own experience, you model assertiveness to your son. If he is not clear about it being so, explain to him that you are asserting yourself about what is appropriately your business, about who visits your home.
It is the home of the two of you, and since he is 15, better make choices about such things as who visits the home following input by all the people living in the home. He needs to be heard, his position considered and you too need to have your feelings considred.
Hope you post again, anytime. This is tough, the separation needed but doable.
anita
September 14, 2016 at 5:37 pm #115192JaniceParticipantThank you, this helps me a lot and gives me validation to what I am feeling and how I choose to distance myself in reaction to the distance that was placed upon me and my son by both her and her son. I will probably read over again and again the points you make in this last post because it touches on exactly what my problem is, letting him choose his way of dealing while allowing me to choose my way as an adult who has more experience with true friendship. Because I do not want to welcome that boy into our home, at least not right now, unless he comes to realize that he betrayed a friend (my son), who, even after the betrayal, continued to try to keep the friendship going, but was still cast aside without regard to the impact of the hurt it all truly caused.
September 14, 2016 at 8:23 pm #115206AnonymousGuestDear Janice51:
You are welcome. Please post again anytime and I will be more than glad to reply!
anita
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