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My strong infatuation with my friend is affecting me deeply

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • December 8, 2016 at 11:24 pm #122326
    Jaydee
    Participant

    I think it’s important to tell my background first. I am bisexual and married. My wife knows about my sexuality and she’s okay with me to explore my other side if I need to. I have a friend who I have infatuation with. He’s bisexual too and currently in a relationship with a guy. It’s been 6 months now and I’ve been on and off with my feelings with him. Lately, we’re not spending time anymore like the usual lunch or basketball games. He’s totally changed for the last month and it’s crushing me. I find myself grumpy and restless at home. I am missing him. I do not want to insist in meeting up and do some stuff because I know that he rather spends time with his boyfriend than me. I suspect that his boyfriend is jealous of me. I never revealed my feelings with my friend but I know that he’s suspecting but just brushing it off. Talking to him about my feelings is something I do not want to do because he loves his boyfriend and I am absolutely just a friend for him.

    How can I get over him? I am missing him. I want to be my old self again, just me and with my wife and kid. I think I have fallen in loved with him.

    December 9, 2016 at 8:17 am #122340
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jaydee:

    There are a few issues here and two of them are separate issues. One is sexual orientation and the other is monogamy in a relationship. Your wife, you wrote, is okay with an “open marriage” of sorts. Your friend’s boyfriend as well as your friend, may not be okay with an open relationship. The two of them being gay or bisexual does not mean they do not believe in the traditional value of monogamy.

    And so, even though your friend and you share being bisexual, the two of you may differ in your values. If his boyfriend is indeed jealous of you and as a result he is keeping his distance from you, then I am thinking they are in a monogamous relationship and that you respect that.

    How to get over him? Staying away from him is one way, not meet up. Accept best you can the following:

    * It is okay for you to feel attracted to this man and to miss him, just like it is okay for you to feel anything else that you feel at any time.

    * The man is not available. He is otherwise engaged.

    And do not fight with your feelings, do not wish them away. Live with them.

    anita

    December 9, 2016 at 8:02 pm #122377
    Jaydee
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply. I do not wish to have a relationship with him because it’s not possible. I know that. I know that he doesn’t like me. I know that he likes exclusive relationship. I’ve accepted that. I’ve resigned to the fact that I’m just his loyal friend. He used to confide with me, come to me whenever he’s having a problem or they’re having disagreements. Obviously, they’re both happy since I don’t see him coming to me, asking him to meet up as he wanted an advice. What I’ve just observed with myself is that whenever I do not see him, whenever I do not have any interaction with him of any sort, I tend to be so uptight.

    December 9, 2016 at 8:45 pm #122383
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jaydee:

    You got infatuated with him; you formed an emotional attachment to him. Now that he’s been distant for a month, you suffer. This is what happened when the object of your attachment, the person we yearn for, is not available to us. It hurts. And so, you are hurting.

    The stronger the attachment (aka infatuation, here), the stronger the hurt, the longing, the emptiness feeling.

    I wonder, do you daydream/ fantasize about being with him..? I wonder if it helps or hurts, if you do.

    anita

    December 9, 2016 at 10:30 pm #122387
    Jaydee
    Participant

    Yes, I do fantasize about him if I don’t see him. If I do see him at work, that’s enough joy for me and I don’t fantasize about him. It doesn’t hurt nor help me. I don’t resent it.

    We are both closeted bisexuals and nobody at work knew our sexuality except his boyfriend who’s closeted bisexual too. I think it is making me sadder the fact that I feel like we’re drawing apart, our friendship. I honestly love him as a friend.

    December 10, 2016 at 9:14 am #122403
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jaydee:

    You see him at work: maybe you can ask him for a moment to talk and ask him, when he is available, what is going on with him in relation to you. Remember to respect his relationship with his partner, pose no threat to it as you ask him for his thoughts/ feelings about you as a possible, non-threatening friend.

    anita

    December 11, 2016 at 2:51 pm #122464
    Jaydee
    Participant

    You may be right. Once again, open communication may work wonder, who knows? I do respect his relationship with his partner and I do not have any intention of ruining it. I am happy for him having a healthy and loving relationship with his boyfriend. I hope I can have the right courage to pull this through. Talking is not my best quality.

    December 11, 2016 at 7:11 pm #122481
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jaydee:

    I think that talking to others is a skill, not a quality, definitely not a quality you are born with. So improve that skill through practice. Plan what you are going to say to him, type it, then write what he may tell you in return (like a movie script, a few possibilities of it, depending on his projected response)- and then put it into practice.

    You can post your planned conversations here, if you want my input on it.

    anita

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