Dear anxiousangel/ Story, Part One:

I will quote every part of your story I believe is very meaningful to my understanding, not including repetitions. And if I have something to say, I will comment on the quote outside the quotation mark (“) In my comments I will include my understanding, right or wrong, of your posts before the story. I will do this for the first part of the story on this post, then the second part of your story, on a following post, and so forth. When done with the story, I will write a Conclusion type post to you. This way I will be studying your story. Please don’t post again until that Conclusion Post.

“there was this 4 year old kid…born in a family…oblivious to the outside world…
sent to the best school in town…
elated he was as this world seemed beautful and spacious and more comforting..
…home wasnt an inspirational place…with grandpa as the sole earner..” (Home was not beautiful, spacious or comforting, there was distress there and a lot of the expressed distress in the home was about lack of money or money worries)

but those summer breaks in village…(the outside world seemed beautiful in comparison to Home and the gap was painfully evident)
…when he was 9, e discovered the presence of appreciation and praise. he waned that praise frm everywhere…
…but i guess was nvr hard working
…Being academically sound brought him social acceptance,praise and a proud identity and would say may be branded as hope of the family, a bright child..ha ha (The hope of the family was that he achieves a social and economic status and success which is the highest value in the Home)
… parents of freinds ask those questions…what does your father do??? where do you live….??..do you own a house or…
(The value of social and economic status and success is not only at Home but outside)
… (unclear to me)…then she gave a condescending and insulting look to the child…oh no…the child felt devastated…his world of appreciation had taken a hit..(Appreciation is seen exclusively as social and economic status)
he qualified all criterias…of a student…a friend..a good person…still society rates you on your background…
he lost out and hedecided he wud never lose again…for something which isnt his fault…

“going to hi fi skool meant richer friends and hi fi frend parents…
but he was never unsure of his coping abilities…if the competition didn’t entail background… (He lost in the background competition before. But he can’t change background, completely powerless over it, so he copes by lying about the background)
by this time he was in his teenage…and the beautiful girl of his dreams some how fell for him…life felt blissful…and lost in her eyes..suddenly my self respect grew up…she likes MEE… (Maybe the first time for a long, long time when he gets appreciation for Himself, not for his (lied about) background)
but it also had a tinch of ego…’if she could fall for me”, anyone can… (The insult of the past lack of appreciation gave birth to an ambition to get more and MORE appreciation…)
wrote letters and poems to each other…he realised then…expressing something feels nice.. (authentically expressing himself)
… he wworked hard with his love running in background…and frends in place..natures forces helped him….and he got it..(Patna)
…mom use to say…bua is rich…we loved her arrival…she brought clothes and sweets… and wen she came there was always good food at home.. now here he had to built a new identity…(the value at Home, again, money)
being smart he knew….what information can he manage and not spill the beans… a new place meant can form identity from a scratch…specially the background
meeting here with the same questions…he was ready this time..my father works in a goods insurance company…NIC.i own a house…
(Lying/ managing information)

Next: Story/ part Two

anita

Story, Part Three:

“…was he TOPPER of the batch… her grace dignity,innocence and her unreacheableness attracted him…he fell for her.
now she was a challenge,an impossible case no boy wood attempt, but he did…studies took a backseat… AJ…R…
…he was feeling guilty he was using her to get closer to AJ. remember he can’t handle adverse opinion… (intense hunger and ambition for appreciation, praise, attention, it is intoxicating)
Out f nowhere R calls and says she has fallen fr him. he is dumbstruck, what to do. (he doesn’t know what to do because he is still searching for his potential worth, it is still there in the future)
…the girls talked and he was thot to b the culprit. both smeared ties from him.
he was yearning fr their attention. both meant the most to him…to gain their attention was to attempt a suicide.
he planned got tablets and ate them and slept…ensuring he won’t die. remember he 17. (Life&Death management, goes beyond mere information management)
he got their attention, eventually AJ mover on R was back as his girl.
got closer…intimate. results f exams came… did miserably bad..
the suicide attempt and the result broke havoc back home, all hopes were shattered. by family standards a lot was spent on him. …at this point he genuinely loved R. but the was a problem. To woo her,he had played information management on her too.
since she was from BOMBAY and he from BIHAR. he shot she wud judge him…he said his father works in bombay….

Story, Part Five:

“R was getting lonely at her college. her grades were suffering…we talked a lot. but i cudnt visit her much. distance was a factor. plus i spent a lot on fone,smoking,ferns nightout and allowance from home was limited. i was stressed fr cash always.
a point came wen she was adamant on me visiting her and i hd no money… borrowed generally. at a dark time also stole a friends phone and sold it. i was so close to him, he cud never suspect…he was my best friend.
wen he came back from the trip, he discovered thru chats R was cheating on him wide a guy in college…
he was distraught. felt powerless and hurt. called her, cried a lot…
he made her feel extremely guilty. called some friends to inform about wat she did.
in college he cudnt tell anyone or the ideal love story would get blemished. she was part f his identity…she was down from the pedestal and respect was gone.(The Love story with R in itself was a presentation to the world: see what a loving person I am)
to come out f R TRAUMA, he engaged himself in college elections. he was good at it. convincing, manipulating people straight with his logic. he got praise and appreciation fr ths.
next yr… he became larger than life in elections. he didn’t want any position just the fame that he is the best and is invincible. this bred arrogance, he lost some of his old friends and found new. people branded him oppurtuistic and political. such alllgations come when u become a public figure. he was enjoying the attention and the leadership… love for R was gone and her lifestyle hadn’t changed. S too had come close a lot.
…this was the right time to leave R. he was busy he had a support in S. HE DID IT…
meanwhile S had become his support here. she was an innocent girl, who liked him a lot. even loved him. he faked the love to get all her praise attention and the make out sessions.
he lost in the elections big time. had lost R too, and his friends too. mining tag too was waiting fr him, as placements had arrived. nothing was right.

Story, part Seven:

“all friends were progressing doing MBA or MS in USA. HE felt left behind.
he wanted a change, one final settlement to the identity question. where no one asks who u are.
IAS is that exam in india… he wanted it for identity,status,recognition and as a stage to express his potential…it helped his image at work as he claimed i m doing IAS so i m not interested in mining career. he had carved a source of praise and appreciation.
he went to delhi fr a year taking leave and studied there. college friend was there, stayed with him and earned his respect as an aspirant. (An aspirant, a potential, one aiming at a goal)
…impressed the teachers and girls. he was getting attention and praise. people believed in his potential… he exaggerated his job entitlements to impress ppl further. met a girl in class K. she smoked was open minded. got attracted as had nvr seen a girl like this. he was sex starved too since college. he is 26 now…knew only one way to woo a girl, the fake love way.
she confided in him and told him every thing about her…
he failed at the second stage and was back to his job. his goal may hV GOT MISALIGNED TO RATHER IMPRESSING PPL ABOUT HIS WORTH AS A CANDIDATE RATHER THN CLEARING THE EXAM.
back at job, ppl praised and encouraged him… conduit deliver.
he was ready to try again. this was the only hope. he started. meanwhile K fell fr another guy and dumped him…he had ended his relationships always not the girl. it hurt his ego badly. he suffered in pain, hated her, even clinger on to her. but she had moved on and he was suffering,
but exam too demanded attention. this time he was lonely, no friends,girl attention and increased pressure. he tried fr girl attention but didn’t get any…. he was now burning from inside…as the was no body to praise him or love him..his self worth dashed. but he was trying despite all odds. still got in the act of impressing fellow students and new teacher that wat a special talent he is, and again everybody believed in him.

Dear anxiousangel:

As I am reading the posts on this page 4 of the thread, I find my notes in parentheses mostly incorrect. I see that what I understood before was very limited. I am still wondering about the effectiveness of this exercise of mine, the work I am doing here, don’t know if it is leading anywhere at all that may be useful to you. But I keep going. Need to take a break from your story so to get some distance for things to settle. Please don’t post until my Conclusion post later on (it would be too much for me and I need to process what I have here as is).

anita

Dear anxiousangel:

You wrote above (post before last): “nothing matters except the image”- this is what salesmanship is about: it is all image, all the potential buyer’s perception. Authenticity of product is irrelevant. All that matters is image. This is how politicians sell themselves. Products are people too. I would like you to no longer be a product. Or a source of products to be sold.

Take yourself out of the marketing world for a while. For always, even better. Quit marketing. Quit selling completely.

Switch to “product development” but not for the sake of selling. That is, switch to authenticity.

Where to start? Right where you are, in the very circumstances of your daily life. No longer aim at a goal out there, in the future. Aim at living differently now, here and now where you are. Do things differently. Why not tell people the truth when you once lied. Why not? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Without authenticity, the truth, all the praise in the world is worthless because… all that praise is not for you. The praise, the reward all this time was for the marketed product, for the image, not for you. You were hidden.

So reveal yourself, today, in your life outside this forum, in person.

anita

Dear anxiousangel:

I re-read Story 1-8. I feel at some peace at this point about understanding what is going on. Through our correspondence there has been an evolution of my understanding. What I understand this morning, I did not understand before. I will refer to you as “Angel” in my writing. Here is my understanding:

What you got from your original home of your childhood is not that you are valuable, worthy, loving and lovable. What you got is an understanding that having money is very important and very desirable. You were sent to an elite school for that purpose: to become one with money and share it with your family.

Next, when you were asked about your background, answered and received that frown, that disapproval, it was imprinted in you very strongly that is that lack of acceptable social status hurts, a lot. You decided to “Never Lose Again”, never get that frown again and instead get praise and recognition.

It became okay to lie about your background: lying was a mean to an end, the end being to not get hurt. You proceeded later to call it “information management” as euphemism, making it an okay business-like strategy, and so Enterprise Angel was born.

The aim devolved from seeking praise and recognition to seeking power-over-people. Means justified the end. It became okay not only to lie, but to manipulate others (suicide gesture, R/AJ, College Elections where people referred to you as “political’ and an “opportunist”), to use people, to mislead people, and even to steal from your best friend.

All means justify the end.Everything became a means to an end: your social skills, sexuality, spirituality… all means to the same end: power-over others.

The end is power. When one girl liked you, you thought: I can get more girls to like me.

Your successes intoxicated you. Feeling invincible, “larger than life” was intoxicating. You wanted more and more, more praise, more attention, more power. You wanted invincibility. That younger Angel that got the frown, through no fault of his own (father’s profession, social status) will never …lose again. And it doesn’t matter what it takes, who it hurts: Angel will not lose again. Not only Angel will not lose again, Angel will win, big time.

You figured: this is how the world works: it is all perception and I will make it work for me. I will not lose.

Only you lost: your “average friends” got better jobs than you, working in the city while you are stuck at a lesser job, in a place you don’t like. Your successes were short lived.

So here you are. In your latest post, you asked about what career should you develop, maybe be a motivational speaker because no product is needed. As a motivational speaker, all you will need to do is speak and use your logic skills and people skills that you believe are superior.

I don’t have success in that search for power-over that you had sought. So I have nothing to offer you in that regard. I believe that there are a lot of people in the search for power where all means justify the end, so you have a great competition. And people who are very skilled and successful at it, I don’t think would be willing to teach you how they do it: why would they…

People who have been very successful at this aim, end, I think that two of them are running for the position of being the next U.S.A president as I type this. One is Donald Trump. All of his power, fame and wealth, before running for president was not satisfactory for him. He wanted more. Just like when one girl liked you and you thought: if I got her to like me, I can get more girls to like me, the same thinking is here: I am a billionaire and everyone knows my name (Trump), hey, maybe I can be president of the U.S!

The second person is Hillary Clinton. She spent 8 years in the white house and however many years in the government but that is not enough: she wants another 4 years in the white house. Maybe 8.

I wonder, when Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton lie in their beds at night (separately), when the lights are turned off and they feel old age pain here and there and knowing there is no power in the world to prevent them from getting sick and dying… where do they find their comfort?

But I digress, or not.

I will continue only if I get a thoughtful response from you about what I wrote here, in this post. At that point, we can continue our discussion. This is a very interesting correspondence, one that occupied hours of my time and attention so far.

anita