Dear anita

Thank you so much for your reply! I was sure I won’t get any becaube of my long post.

I read your insight a few times now and it feels like you got this right. It is true.. It did feel like I’ve been rejected. It felt like I was never been able to be myself around them and I didn’t really develop. I taught about this scenario before but I taught about so many others. I was never able to focus on any of them because they where to many.

I still feel uncomfortable around them and I still don’t feel connection. Knowing this now, makes me feel a little hopeless to be honest. Feels big and hard to deal with.

In this moment I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I should just leave and restart somewhere else. Maybe even back to Spain.

Thank you so much for this!

Dear anita

I still have hope. I’ve never lost my hope and I know some day things are going to be much better. Even If I am not taking much effort towards getting there I am sure I will get much better and stronger on the way. In the last year I felt this urge to get better and dedicate a big part of my life to help others also looking for answers. Since I don’t really function, first I need to get myself back up. Well… just up.

When 2017 started I felt like things got so much better and I somehow forgot about all my struggles. I started being much more social, having much more things to do, doing sports, partying a lot and meeting new people every day and easily connecting with everyone. I also had my great relationship I wanted so much for so long. I was very happy and confident..  I was just walking on the street and smile.. it was like something inside of me changed and I was running a different version of myself. I even cared much less about what other people think of me.. Because I was finally feeling myself. And I was finally happy with who I am. It felt like I couldn’t fall back where I was before.. But I did. This only lasted for around 2 months.. and when I got back from my Erasmus year.. I did fall back.. maybe even lower.  It’s like I had a demo of how my life could be.

Therapy

After coming back home in March I started seeing a therapist. I wanted to get back up so much..  Things started to feel really bad and I was sure I am depressed, depersonalized or bipolar. A lot of Google-ing and watching Tedx Talks happened so I kind of labeled the way I felt.

She was nice. She was listening and also talking a lot to me. Felt like a conversation between two friends but I cannot say I was completely comfortable opening myself in some areas. For example, I never told her I was suffering so much from being single and having no physical interaction for about 3 years. That felt like the end of the world for me back then.. and It felt like everyone but me was doing that. I felt like a freak. We never came across that subject.. Maybe I would’ve said it. I don’t really know. I was completely honest with her and I wanted her help.. So I basically did and told her whatever she wanted to know.

However we spoke a lot about my parents and my childhood, my passion for photography and others, my university years, my relationship with my girlfriend and the fact I was looking for a job at the moment and I wasn’t getting anywhere with it. The first two times It felt like we are not on the same page at all.. and it felt like she is not really getting what I’m trying to express. I was surprised later to find out that she did actually get me and she really paid close attention. Right than I regained trust.. and I felt like this is working.

As I told you above, I was waiting for a diagnosis. I expected myself to be either depressed, depersonalized or bipolar. Or all together if that’s even possible. Her diagnosis wasn’t coming and that made me feel like she’s ignorant or she’s not trying at all to help me. So I told her.. I feel like I might be mentally sick.. I told her I was expecting a diagnosis.. I told her I needed something to point my finger at.. because so far, I didn’t know anything.. I was just talking.  So she gave me a test which consisted in a sheet of paper filled with questions like: I feel angry / sad / unmotivated / all kinds of feelings … once a week  / sometimes / every day..  You get the idea. I filed it and next day went back to her. It felt like she only gave me the test because I asked her what’s wrong with me.. I guess there was no need for the test in her opinion at least.

She said:

” You are not sick. You want to be sick. Sadly for you, you are a healthy person. ”

I felt somehow relieved to hear that but in the same time even more layer of fog added. After she checked the test she gave me she said I tend to be socially anxious and I am not depressed. She did say I have a tendency towards depression but right now there is nothing wrong with me except for not knowing what I want to do with my life and having a direction / a path / a goal.

What I understood from her answer.. I want to be sick. I am stopping myself from taking any kind of action. I want to be sick so I have the reason to do nothing.

I last seen the therapist in December 2017. Since then, I started my first job which ended after one month, I kept going to interviews but nothing really worked out. I didn’t want to do much so basically that was the main reason. Some of them could’ve worked well.. but I always found reasons not to start working. Indeed few times I actually started working, like a few days to try it out but eventually they didn’t take me..

Since then, I still felt anxious, sad, unbalanced, bored and stuck in a loop. My girlfriend kept telling me every day I should start working or at least learning her language so we can both go to her country together. For some reason… I just fail at doing anything.. It’s like I want something but I keep forgetting about it every day.. I cannot keep doing something.

Thank you so much, for reading all this and showing interest in my story. This means a lot to me and I wish I could give back to you in some way. I am very grateful!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Robi1992.

Dear anita

I am happy to get such an honest support from you and feels good to try to ” investigate ” the situation I am going  trough.

Next to that I also feel sad. I feel like I was maybe missing the point all these months when I kept myself too busy with finding the answer. It almost felt like I’ve been working a full time job only there was no payment or progress. My main activity these months was simply trying to find out what is missing. I believe that could also be the reason I wasn’t doing anything latelly. It feels like I need to sort things out first in order to get on with my life.

But maybe I kept myself busy with the wrong thing. All of my friends including my girlfriend  who know about the way I feel advised me to keep myself busy with something and stop focusing about whatever is wrong here. I should just find a job and do things even if I don’t feel like it. Basically push myself to do it and I might feel better about myself and my life situation.

What do you personally think about this?

Thank you!

Okay! I get it. And I will do exactly that.

I allready established that waiting for my answer while not taking any kind of action is not going to lead me anywhere. What strikes me.. It’s the fact I knew this all along but I still haven’t changed anything.

My plan was to go and live abroad to my girlfriend’s country and find a job there. I said it a lot but in 8 months I didn’t manage to learn her language. I have about 2 months left and I’m not that sure if I should go.

It could be good for me to experience something new and restart some how and finally be financially independent. But I’m also scared things will turn out worse than they are here. Maybe we will take with us all the fights and anger we are having here.

To be honest with you, I also scared of losing her. I’m not sure if it’s because I truly love her or im just scared of being single again. As u allready know it started very special and it meant so much to me. But latelly I’m not so sure anymore. She’s living in one month and the plan is for me to follow. She will go regardless of my decision to stay or go somewhere else.

She came here for a year for us to be together and she didn’t like It here. Also things didn’t really work between us and we’ve been fighting a lot.. But we stayed together. We are living together and maybe that was too much and too early.

A part of me wants to go. Because that part of me feels like it’s just a phase and we are going to work it out together. In the same time I feel like maybe when I will find my personal ballance, our relationship will also feel good again. We both seem to struggle with persobal issues..

On the other hand.. I feel like it’s not really working anymore. And I feel like I am too young for something as serious as this seems to be. And.. Yes.. Sometimes I feel like I should experience more dating.. Maybe its just my ego talking.

Its a very difficult decision for me to take without having much clarity.. Its so hard to focus about so many issues. Its such a huge pressure. And most of the times I’m scared that.. If we break up.. I might regret it later on. Because.. What I had with her.. At least at the beginning doesn’t happen to everyone. I felt really lucky. And maybe I am.

Thank you anita

You made such a big difference!

Dear anita

” Fear leads to inaction, afraid to move this way, afraid to move that way, overwhelmed by options, overwhelmed by life ”

I couldn’t describe my situation better. Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by options.. Overwhelmed by life.

I’ve never felt so unsure in my whole life. I’ve been in my home town living with my parents for a few days now.. And now I’m going back to where I live. In a way, I don’t want to go back to live with my girlfriend.. I don’t want to feel mad and unsure around her anymore. I don’t want to listen to her telling me we should go out or go for a walk.. Because I feel irritated.. Because I don’t feel like it. Most of the times I don’t feel like doing s*it. And that… That makes me mad at myself for not being able to funcion in harmony.. For not being able to make her happy and smile the way I used to. I am frustrated. Big time. I Just realised that while writing.

I look around me.. And all the people I know seem to manage. They all have a job and are able to stand on their own feet. They all seem to function and even if they might feel lost aswell they still at least move forward in a way. They do something. I do compare myself to pretty much everyone.. And I know I shouldn’t.

I have to get better. Its been too much. I could be such a great person.. I could be so much more.. But I am not. Why ? Because I am scared. And I don’t even know of what.

Thank you anita for reading all this.. I am sometimes wondering why are u doing all this for a complete stranger.. You must be such a wonderful person.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Robi1992.

Dear anita

Well.. I guess I never felt very close to my parents. I was very attached to them as child ( very young  barelly remember something) but as I grew up I started liking them less and less to the point of being against them when it comes to pretty much everything.

Most of the times it felt like I hate them and I considered them loosers. I basically considered everyone to be better than my parents and I showed them that.  I cannot say I had a specific reason to feel that way about them. I was also against them even when they where right..

About one thing I am sure. They never gave me privacy or the feeling of freedom. As I mentioned in my first and very long post, they used to keep me with them at their workplace after finishing my school. I had to just sit around there for 6..7 hours every day after finishing school. Only after I was going home.. With them. All of my friends used to go home after school and watch TV, play games or just.. Maybe have some time on their own.

I guess I hated them for that.

I also hated them for not having my own room. Well.. I did. But none of the stuff there was mine. It was one of the rooms my parents basically used to keep various stuff in. The appartment I was raised in only had 2 rooms. Except from the living room and kitchen there was only one room left.. The room I was sleeping in. It wasn’t so bad.. Some people make it with much less…

But… It had a door basically made of glass.. U couldn’t see clearelly through it.. But it didn’t give me a feeling of privacy. They used to also come in whenever they needed something from there and that used to happen every time.. They kept stuff they used daily there. I never had my own space. I never had a room full of posters on the walls and personal things around.

I also hated them for that..

I used to minmize whatever was happening on my computer every time they we’re entering the room. I dont know why.. Maybe I was trying to keep something for myself.

I also kept most of my friends as a secret from themt. I never wanted my parents to get to know my friends.

I don’t know if this answered your question..
‘Did you feel seen by them through the years, heard, listened to?<
Or did you feel through the years with your parents, invisible, empty, lost in nothingness?”

Well.. I felt controlled not necesarelly seen. Heard.. Maybe. They bought me stuff I wanted occasionally but that’s pretty much where it ended.

Invisible I didn’t. They could almost see me through that glass door. Also hear me. So.. Imagine me taking call. So I was listened to aswell.. But not the way I would’ve preffered.

I don’t know about the empty of lost part.. I wasn’t happy.. I’m sure about that. Being a big part of my childhood trapped in their woworkplace indeed made me feel invisible.. I was always there.. Everyone was coming and going. Except me. I wasn’t. Hmm.. Pretty much like…  now.

Well u said it.. Things from childhood do repeat..  S*it.

There was also the lake house. In summers we lived there. I had nothing to do and not much friends. I was living there for the summer. My friends used to come for the weekend and get back to the city. Again I was trapped there waiting for people to come and give me some attention. I guess.. I was very lonely. Well.. Not.

My parents where there every second of my childhood.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Robi1992.