For a long time I’ve felt lost, sad, confused and lonely …

My memory of childhood is one filled with adventure, mischief and happiness for the majority. Like any kid I got into trouble … stealing sweets from the local store, or breaking into old Army barracks. My step Dad was in the Army, and he and my Mum got married when I was six or seven. Previous to that I was raised by my Gran as my Mum was out working, and my Gran is a good Woman … she is very principled and would give you her last if it helped you. She always made traditional Scottish meals like ‘mince and tatties’ (brown mine and mash potato) or homemade scotch broth soup. I loved school at that time, I was very popular … this part of my childhood I had no complaints with. As my Step Dad was in the Army it meant that I had to leave my Grans house and move away … I can still remember that day, I told my Mum I didn’t want to go … and that I was leaving so I took my favourite teddy and probably a few other things and decided I wasn’t going back. It was upsetting to leave, but it was my Mums decision and reflecting back on it … I gained a lot from moving around from place to place, and school to school.
Fast forward seven years, and I was living in Cyprus at the time, this was the third location my Step Dad had been sent to as part of his time in the Army. I have my fondest memories from my time spent here, I was very athletic. I captained the school football team, I played in the local football league and got to the all island finals, also I took part in the school basketball team and ran cross country for the school. I loved it. Everyday it was sunshine and adventure, the school I attended was a military funded school so it had so many activities to get involved in.

Even though I was outgoing when it came to athletics, and I thrive on meeting people and being part of a team I’ve always had that voice of doubt in my mind, and I’ve always been shy around girls. I’ve never felt that someone might be attracted to me. I don’t know where that stems from, i’m quite a humble person in many ways. I guess the point i’m trying to make through all of this is that … things were broadly pretty good, I enjoyed life, but was shy when it came to girls.
After a few years in Cyprus, it was Christmas day … my Mum and my step dad were at dinner, and there was a lady also there … I can’t remember her name but she was from my step dads regiment and my mum invited her over to join us as she felt sorry for her … and the day from what I remember had no issues. Then in January I was told that my step dad was going away for a month to Trudos mountain to be stationed, and I thought nothing of it … but it was shortly after this that I remember coming home from School and I found my Mum crying on the floor in the livingroom … my step dad was leaving her! I eventually found out many years later that the Woman who was over at Christmas was his lover, and that she was pregnant with his child. This meant me and my Mum had about two weeks to get our stuff and leave Cyprus and return to Scotland. I don’t remember much of what happened emotionally … I guess it was probably damage limitation survival mode and I buried it. Even to this day, no one in my family ever talked about it.

I remember shortly after returning to Scotland having to go to another new school … given what had happened over the previous few months I just felt terrified, and I didn’t go for the first few days … then eventually my Gran had to drag me there. Like anything, after a while you wonder why you got so up tight about it. It was during this time I got a letter from my step dad trying to give me some encouragement as my Mum have told him I wasn’t going to School, but that was the last communication I would have from him for a long time.

Time past and I eventually became settled and life went on whilst I stayed at my Grans house with my Mum. Then one Sunday morning, I woke up … walked downstairs and I asked my Gran where my Mum was – my gran is a horrible liar – but she said that my Mum was away somewhere and that she would be back later on. I thought ok,  I didn’t really feel like I had to question it. Later on that day, my Mum still wasn’t back, I kept asking my Gran where she was, and then the phone went … my Gran took the call and then must have decided to tell me the truth of where my Mum was. She was in the hospital – she took an overdose. Again … I wasn’t really sure what to think, when you’re 13 you don’t really process things like that … well I didn’t anyway. We went up to the hospital, saw my Mum … she was ok. The overdose was emotional stuff to do with my step dad and their marriage which I can understand, like most things … it was never talked about again.

Eventually my Mum started to date people and she met a guy called Stuart (Hes a d*ck, no bias there), they got on and it meant that I wouldn’t see my Mum that often as she would stay with him. Maybe once a week I might see my Mum, the rest of the time I just spent it living with my Gran. I remember this one time I got really upset as I felt like my Mum didn’t love me, to me … she was away living this life with another Man and I was no where to be seen in that picture. The relationship they had lasted, they got their own flat and I was told that my Mum was pregnant. At the time I just remember being crazy angry … like f*ck you. You don’t even bother with me … but you will have another child. As I have grown up and matured (hopefully), that anger dissipated and I realised it had nothing to do with my lil Sister … she was innocent in all of this.

As my Mum went off and lived her new life, I stayed at my Grans, went to School and just kept myself to myself to be honest. I didn’t really feel any emotional connection to my Mum anymore. I was angry by her behaviour. Life goes on …
Time past and I got older, I got more pi$$ed off with the World in general and by 17, I was smoking dope, drinking and not paying much attention at School. I had a couple of classes I always enjoyed but apart from that I never studied or done homework. I was never forced to. My Mum didn’t pay any attention to my education from what I can recall. Anyways … my use of recreational drugs and taking ecstasy continued for about three years heavily. I guess it was my way of dealing with things … or not dealing with things …

There came a point shortly after being 17/18 that I decided I had to forgive my Mum and start from a clean slate. I was sitting in my bedroom when my Aunt came up to talk to me, she was a Doctor, and she told me that my Mum had breast cancer. I was like right ok … I didn’t really know the extent of it, but I was just told what would be happening with my Mum. Then my Mum came up to my room and spoke to me, I just remember crying so bad … and it was at that point all my angry left me, I couldn’t carry it around anymore, I had to be there for my Mum.

A good few years past and I grew up a lil more, had various lame jobs and studied  … things were ok during this period, I don’t remember having any melt downs or events that could have caused them except for the usual exam stress. I finished University and that was a huge milestone for me as I never thought it was possible … I left school with nothing in terms of solid grades, and ended up working in a supermarket fulltime as I tried to find myself. It felt like a long road had been travelled but I managed to ride it … and then on my Graduation day my Mum didn’t attend, she was away on holiday with her partner – stuart. He never really tried to get to know me, and i’m not sure if he saw me as threat or something like that … but he always tried to keep my Mum in his lil World, where he had some control. Outside of that World he was just a small little Man – that’s my view.
After Graduating … I moved down to London to work in finance, I spent 4 and a half years in the city working, the first couple of years I spent in London were good fun, lots of cool interesting people to meet and speak to, and various cultures to engage with. I always really looked forward to travelling back to Scotland to see my family, I spent all my holiday allowance on travelling home really. Unfortunately my entire time in London none of my family came to visit me … I don’t know why, but it only bothered me retrospectively looking back at events, at the time I wasn’t too bothered. Then there was a period went I went home to visit the family that I saw my Mum, her stomach was incredibly bloated, she still had cancer at this time as it returned 4 years after her initial operation … we all knew what the end result was going to be as it had returned. Controlling the tumour and the spread of the disease. We all genuinely just thought it was water retention. Christmas came and went and I travelled back to London for work.

It was Monday evening and I received a phone call just after work, it was my Gran … “you’re mum is dying, you need to get home”. You can never prepare for those words … even though I knew the Cancer would eventually win I had no idea things were that bad, clearly the bloating wasn’t due to water retention but something else. I just remember getting back to the flat that I shared and just crying my eyes out. I was like what do I say to work, how do I get home? I just ended up booking the first flight the next morning and went straight to the hospital, so I arrived on Tuesday morning and by Thursday night she had passed away. For a long time after losing my Mum I was lost, the darkness swallowed me whole. Living in London I felt very isolated which only gave volume to the negative emotions and thoughts. I done the only thing I knew I could do and that was to throw myself into work, I studied in the morning, worked then studied at night then spend weekends out partying. That continued for a few years until I got to breaking point and the sadness of being away from family and feeling like I didn’t have any support just ground me down and I just wanted to move back home. I just felt so lonely in London … and I was comfort eating in a big way and using online dating apps to try and meet people. Those two actions felt like emotional reaction to being sad and lonely and it was on a vicious loop.
From a relationship point of view … ive had 4 girlfriends since I was 17, the longest relationship was just over 5 years , and out of the 4, I cheated on 3 of them. I’m not sure where this behaviour evolved from. When the entire time I stayed in London I was single … I got used to my own company and found it hard to meet people on a deeper level in the city.The online dating, drinking, watching porn and emotional binge eating were all their supporting me at the time. As I mentioned before it was a vicious loop that took over me for many years … the whole porn thing started much earlier in life from when I was probably 17, but it became such a strong addiction during this bit of my life. I didn’t really question any of the behaviour as it made me feel better, it took the pain away.

Now being 34, living back home in Scotland, and finding myself out of a 1 year relationship i’ve realised that my ability to hold down a relationship is lacking … my old habits come back during times of pain. This brings drama, unfaithfulness and cheating to a relationship. Last year in June 2016 I lost another relative to cancer, she was like a Mum to me also, and she was a huge part of my life and who I am today. Again, I got a phone call telling me that this person was dying, it was the day after my 8 hour finance exam … my Aunt didn’t want me to know about the situation as she wanted me to focus on the exam. That is the kind of person that she was. I had only started seeing my new GF in February of that year. When I found out about my Aunt, it brought everything back about my Mum, and obviously I knew what was coming … I feared that so much. My Aunt went through various proceedures to try and gain some time, but she was placed in a Hospice as there was no way to help her anymore but just provide support to manage the pain levels. Each day I would go to the Hospice and it was just heartbreaking. It really really got to me … I couldnt believe it was all happening again. My GF was really supportive, and did ask me if I wanted to continue the relationship as with everything happening the relationship might be too much for me. I did love her, and I didnt want to lose her either … I thought we should work through it and hopefully we could come out the other end stronger.
As time past, and the situation with my Aunt came to its final moments, I became more and more isolated from the relationship, and I blamed the relationship for how I felt. Looking back now, that is my view of it. The only way I knew how to make myself happy was from those old addictions … if it was talking to a stranger online, talking dirty by text/ flirting, or watching porn … they made me feel good, and because they did … I always felt as though the problem was with the relationship. When it wasn’t it was with me. I ended the relationship with my ex GF, and she loved me very much … and I realise that I loved her. We have been apart since May 2017, and she has moved on and I have remained single and went to therapy to deal with my grief. I’m so tired of losing the things that mean the most in life, and some of that is down to my poor choices I have made from habitual programes that have been running in my head, which developed over years of loneliness and pain. I even started to use Escorts. I’ve never told anyone this … its so deeply buried in my ego, and I feel complete shame for doing so… It was never about feelings, but just trying to run away from pain inside. I forgot the most important thing, and that was my actions were causing pain to someone who truly loved me. I’ve been working on myself now since February this year, grief therapy finished, and i’m trying to get more help to talk about my own emotions when it comes to relationships as not sure if a sense of abandonment comes in … all I know is that i’m making a stand for a better life for myself and that I need to love who I am. The medication has helped as it gave me some breathing space, and I practice meditation daily, train twice a day … I still have my ups and downs, I have an awareness of my feelings and I know how to stop some of the behaviours before I actually move to action.
I realise this is a lot to read, I started typing as a way for me to talk about how I feel … and it got a lil out of control. Time for me to be my own best friend and let go of past mistakes. I find the past mistakes that I’ve made haunt me, especially with my ex GF, she was such an amazing person. I’m happy that shes doing well … and that she is happy. She deserves that. If we didn’t break up I wouldn’t even have reflected on things. In my head my EGO was telling me its ok … youre feeling pain. Make yourself feel better about things. BUT what your EGO doesn’t tell you is that its at the expense of who you really are. I used to walk away after meeting Escorts with tears in my eyes, just with complete shame … inner voice saying why did you do that.

I just want to move forward and forgive myself, but I find it incredibly difficult. I want to find love. I need to get my $hit together and be happy with who I am first. I don’t want these past patterns to come back. I want to take a risk and commit myself to a loving relationship and experience the beauty of being with someone and building a life with them.

thank you. M