My situation is no different, is it?

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Poppyxo.

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March 26, 2017 at 9:03 am #142173

Anna Smith
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I’ve been with my partner for almost 4 years. We moved together to a new city so he could start a very intensive and very long program. We have been through so much – settling into a new city, me feeling slightly left out of his new friend group in his program, us trying to make time for each other…but we never wavered through it. We never have broken up, nothing has ever been very serious or severe – we always got through everything and we did so happily. Every night and every morning we were happy to sleep and wake up next to each other and everyday we spoke throughout the entire day.

Recently he started pushing me away as he did when he would get into a bit of a “low”. He struggled with depression in his past (untreated) and sometimes it would surface unexpectedly and he would withdraw for a little while. But he would still be there for me and would always bounce back. This time, about three weeks ago, he didn’t. Just couldn’t connect with me, was abnormally silent (couldn’t even hold a simple conversation about funny things that happened to me that day, or anything really). I tried to give him space, but it kept getting worse. He was like a shell of himself and his behaviours were very different. Finally, a week ago, he ended things with me abruptly. Saying that he feels super low and needs to be alone to figure himself out. Wants me to be with someone who deserves me, wants to set me free…he feels like he doesn’t deserve all the good things he has in his life…etc.

This is just a few months until he starts work and his program is fully over. We have been looking forward to this for so long – to celebrate, to accomplish such a big feat, to finally start a normal(ish) life together since his program was SO demanding and so unpredictable. Now he does this.

He hasn’t spoken to me at all other than to tell me what he’s calculated for our shared apartment…less than a week after breaking up, he’s trying to discuss separating our apartment assets, which is beyond hurtful.

I’ve been confused and hopeful – blaming this on his depression and feeling like this is just very wrong, given all the circumstances, and feeling like he MUST come back soon or at least speak to me again once he snaps out of his depression. Or once he sees our empty apartment, it’ll dawn on him how sudden/rash this entire decision was. It just doesn’t feel right. But NOW I’m wondering – my situation really isn’t that abnormal, is it? This really IS just a regular, albeit shitty, breakup? Whether fuelled by his depression or not, at the end of the day he really just doesn’t want to be with me anymore, right? Is it stupid for me to think that because we were doing really well and had such a life built together that he MUST regret this sooner rather than later, or that it was really his depression speaking? Or should I just re-orient myself into reality: that he just doesn’t want to be with me anymore, regardless of how sudden it was and how depressed he’s been?

March 26, 2017 at 12:10 pm #142211

Bakedbean
Participant

Hi Anna

I think you need to treat the situation as though it is a break up. It sounds very much like you have been very supportive of your partner over the course of your relationship. Depression is tough to live with for partners as much as sufferers. Its time to put yourself first and deal with this in a way to strengthen your resolve and so he can understand you are not to be dragged into his emotional yoyo-ing. Set him free, set yourself free, live your life for yourself and IF at any stage he regrets his decision, he will need to work to regain your trust.

BB

March 26, 2017 at 12:30 pm #142215

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Anna Smith:

I believe that in the great majority of the millions and millions of people diagnosed (or qualify the diagnosis) of major depression, their depression is not independent of their lives. It is not a foreign element, like a virus, attacking their system. Your ex boyfriend, there is planning in his depression- incongruent with a sudden, independent, viral-like attack.

When he broke up with you, he told you that he wants “wants to set (you) free”- what if he wants to set himself free? He told you that he “needs to be alone to figure himself out”- what if he already figured himself out and planned for a while to break up with you?

What if the mindset that made it possible for him to separate the material assets a week after the breakup did not happen a week after, but before…

Did you notice any dishonesty on his part before? Self serving behavior with other people?

anita

March 26, 2017 at 7:23 pm #142251

Jennifer
Participant

Hi Anna

Is he happy with himself? Some people just wants to find themselves back again but do not know how. So they think ending a relationship might help them to be happy again.

“Whether fuelled by his depression or not, at the end of the day he really just doesn’t want to be with me anymore, right?” You’re right, maybe it is just not right for him now. Let him figure out himself what he really wants.

In the meantime, keep on improving yourself, treat yourself better. I know its hard but I’ve been there too, time waits for no one.

Jennifer

March 27, 2017 at 12:31 am #142283

Anna Smith
Participant

He told me he is VERY unhappy with himself and needs to be alone to figure it out – exactly what you’ve said. But I can’t believe how he’s done this – in the span of an hour, he destroyed my entire life with him and seems to have no issues with it or regret. I’m living on someone’s couch and I built an entire life with him, yet he doesn’t seem to mind it at all. While he’s working on himself or whatever, he’s completely disregarded how I might be feeling. Aside from my own job and school, he’s completely ruined everything else I have – my home, everything we own together, the entire reason I’m living here, our mutual friends….it’s like I’m a forgotten piece of this puzzle. I no longer matter. And I don’t know how to get past this feeling.

March 27, 2017 at 6:01 am #142293

Steve
Participant

Hi Anna

im sorry to say this but my view is that he no longer wishes to be in a relationship with you. He may have his own issues with depression and needing to find himself but I personally don’t believe these are the main cause for ending the relationship.

i say this from s position of experience. I too finished a long term live in relationship whilst having the same type of issues. I say with regret that I used these issues to explain my actions when it was a case that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship but I didn’t have the emotion awareness (or guts) to actually say it.

please realise that you need to detach from his perceived reasons for ending things and gather your own thoughts for helping yourself through this. It will be hard but will be a lot easier if you don’t try to second guess what he is feeling

March 27, 2017 at 7:30 am #142323

Poppyxo
Participant

Hi Anna,

Have you spoken to him about it? The only person you can get the real answers from really is himself, it sounds to me like you’ve had the news and just left, feeling confused, without understanding the situation? From what you’ve written, that’s how I feel. Apologies if I’ve picked that up wrong..

March 27, 2017 at 8:31 am #142331

mangobanana
Participant

Thank you Steve and Poppyxo.

I agree with you Steve – he has never really broken up with someone before (or broken up well/amicably) so I think this was just his way of dealing with it. I’m just now struggling with the total shock…I moved out here for him and now the entire life I have is shattered.

Poppyxo, I have not spoken to him save for one small email saying I was holding onto hope and some asking him to give me some time to process before we sort of logistical things. He sent back a very short, blunt and rude email just stating logistical things that need to be done ASAP. So it seems to me to be quite clear that he just is relieved to move on. It feels like the way he wrote me back signaled that I wasn’t going to get any better of an answer.

I don’t necessarily want/need closure, but I just wish he would know how horribly he handled this. Even if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and needs to deal with his own issues, there’s no reason to punish me for it by ousting me so quickly and selling our furniture right away.
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