Dear Brenda,
I had a very similar situation happen to me 25 years ago when my brother died. A very long story of woe but a very painful time for me and my family needless to say. The circumstances around his death were very different but the commonality of causing pain in a family is the same. In my experience with family and pain, and there was a lot of it, much like many people, I found that when hurting some people lash out and need to find fault. Maybe that is somewhat better for them than feeling the true pain of the loss. In my situation, my brother was killed, and he had an x wife and two children. He also had a girlfriend for many years after the divorce and the night he was killed the girlfriend was with him at a bar. He and another man got drunk, had words, and the night ended in my brother being killed in the street.
My family had always disliked his girlfriend and after his death they blamed her for dragging him into trouble. They were angry at me because the girlfriend and I grieved together and I showed her compassion. They felt like I had taken sides against the family when in actuality, I just didn’t agree with their judgment of the situation. I stood up for what I believed and was harshly punished (emotionally) by my mother and sister. It is 25 years since my brother is gone, and my mother passed 2 years after him but my sister and I still bear the scars within our relationship. There are many dynamics of guilt that go on within individuals and families when death occurs. And it seems that some families, use the time as an opportunity to lash out and hurt rather than stand together to help each other heal.
I think it is so true that when bad things happen, dysfunctional relationships can go through some very painful times. My family’s dysfunction has always worsened during times of stress. I wish that were not the case but it is true. I look back and I’m proud that I stood up for my own beliefs. My brother, like your gram, had also shared things with me that my family was not aware of. Some of the response I felt was jealousy because my relationship with him was deeper – by choice. Don’t let anyone cause you to doubt what you know in your heart is true. Only you and your grandmother were present within your relationship during that time. I just wish people could learn to NOT JUDGE! Everyone seems to have their opinions about what we do, if it is right or wrong and at the end of the day – it only matters to US – the choices we make – we have to live with. So my question to you – can you live with your choice? If the answer is yes, you have succeeded in being true to yourself and your grandmother – and you will look back with no regret. I hope sharing this was helpful. I wish you and your family – the gift of healing.