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My sexual past ruining relationships

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 48 total)
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  • #392672
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    Anita’s reply had me wondering. Was the open relationship your idea? If so, that is abusive to get someone into a situation and leave them because it didn’t do it for you anymore. If she got into it for you, being left like that must have hurt her a lot. Please be honest in your reply, if you chose to answer this question

    #396354
    David
    Participant

    Hi samy

    It was a mutual idea at the time. We had discussed for a while. But I think I kinda pushed it on her more than I should have. I used to like to hear about her sex with her ex and encouraged her to reconnect with him. She eventually did but I was seeing somebody on the side and didn’t tell her. She calls me a liar but I deserve it. I starting to see a therapist and I started going to a local Sex Addicts Anonymous mens group. My ex still texts and calls me all the time. She said that I’m a liar and a predator and I use people. She’s right but I am trying to change.

    #396365
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    I appreciate that you want to change. Why do you want to change if you don’t mind me asking?

    The thing about this type of change is that it is difficult and painful. It requires empathising with the people you hurt and acknowledging and apologising for the pain that you have caused.

    It requires developing self-control so that when you have an impulse telling you that you want something, you choose to resist it because you value doing the right thing and caring about someone more than the pleasure that fulfilling the temptation would bring you in the short term.

    It requires truly connecting with your self-hatred. And after you have done all the above, you have to figure out how to forgive yourself and find a way to live with the reality of the pain you caused (this is actually the hardest part).

    Repeating your past abuse is easy. Saying that you want to change is easy and can make you feel like a better person (the thing is though if nothing actually changes, it’s just a lie). Actually committing to change is a difficult process that will mean putting yourself through suffering.

    The way you phrase things puts distance between yourself and your responsibility in the situation.

    “She calls me a liar.”

    An open relationship means telling people when you plan on seeing someone else. You didn’t tell her when you were seeing someone on the side. You kept it a secret. This is a lie by omission.

    The way I taught myself empathy when I was a child was to imagine how hurt I would feel if someone did the same thing to me. I feel like you have difficulty with this specific scenario.

    So I would suggest imagining that someone you loved and trusted did something terrible that hurt you deeply. Something that made you feel betrayed, that you could no longer trust them, that made you feel worthless.

    This is how a partner might feel when they learn that they’ve been cheated on.

    Some people believe that what people don’t know doesn’t hurt them. But it does because you aren’t treating your partner with respect and are willing to risk damaging the relationship. Even if they don’t know about it, the truth exists and is often expressed in other ways.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.
    #396368
    Helcat
    Participant

    This is the pain that you are hiding from every time you attempt to reshape the situation to avoid responsibility for your actions.

    #396369
    David
    Participant

    Hi hellcat:

    I know its gonna be hard to change. I start doing counseling because I want to learn how to let people in and be truthful with them and not keep living this secret kind of life. Guess I’m really struggling because the woman I was in an open relationship won’t stop calling and texting me. I dont want to be in a relationship with her anymore but she keeps calling and messaging me calling me a liar and an asshole who wasted her life. I know what I did and I apologized to her but I don’t think she really wants me to change. I get that she is really hurt and angry but its like she just wants to hurt me. I guess I deserve it but its hard because I keep getting reminded of who I am while I’m trying to get better.

    Thanks for writing me.

    David

    #396371
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    You did lie to her, use her and waste her life. You can only be truthful with others once you’re truthful with yourself. You’re not even honest with yourself about why you keep her around?

    The only way you are going to change is to face what you did. You seem set against doing this.

    You asked her to humiliate and degrade herself for your excitement, because you enjoyed watching her suffer. Can you imagine how painful it must be for someone to care about to ask those things of you? And even more painful to actually do them. And even more painful to understand that they like watching you suffer.

    Then! You cheated on her despite being in an open relationship. You could have easily told her the truth. So why did you lie? To further add to your excitement by watching her suffer? And after all of this. You grew bored and tossed her aside, after everything she did for you. The amount of suffering you put this woman through is unbelievable.

    Do you know what you did? Do you empathise with the horrific amount of pain she is in that you caused? Do you feel guilty about it? Do you feel ashamed? Do you hate yourself for what you did?

    Do you think an apology is enough? Saying the words and not understanding the pain you caused is easy. Part of apologising is making amends. You have not made amends. You don’t even appear to understand the pain that you’ve caused. You don’t even appear to regret your behaviour. It appears that you can’t even connect to those emotions.

    Btw despite your desire to change. The only reason that will actually cause change is a desire to stop passing your pain onto others. You are going to have to learn to care about others this is something your therapist can help you with.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.
    #396377
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hello David.  The only advice I could give is that you might benefit from googling Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  They have a questionnaire, articles and forums. I suspect that you would likely benefit. Like many addictions, some people believe that sexual addictions often develop to fill an b empty void within, and often have origins in our upbringing. I wish you the best.

    #396395
    David
    Participant

    Hi helcat:

    I know that I lied to her. And that I deceived her and hurt her. I shoulda ended things years ago. It became an addiction for me. But I don’t enjoy watching her suffer and didnt ask her to humiliate and degrade herself. This was a friend that she was attracted. She liked to hang out with him. They still hang out. I wanted that open relationship but I didn’t make the commitment to it. I guess because I didn’t really know if I wanted it and I was lonely. She kept a lot hidden from me too. I’m not blaming her at all. I just wasn’t ready to commit and wasn’t strong enough or whatever to walk away from it.

    I don’t wanna hurt anyone any more. I do feel bad for all her time I wasted and what I did to her. I wanna stop being that person I was and am.

    #396402
    David
    Participant

    I tried to distance myself from her the last year or so. She stopped allowing me to listen to them in early 2020. But we still kind of kept up the sexting and lewd pictures from me. I think she may be a sex addict too. I know how angry and hurt she is but she still messages me pictures that I sent her. Like she wants to remind me of our sexual connection or something. It’s hard because she’ll text me that I’m a liar and a POS and then send me pictures later. Friends have told me to block her. I haven’t because I dont wanna just shut her out cause that doesn’t seem fair.

    #396404
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    When you practice bdsm and voyeurism you are often performing behaviours that in any other circumstance would be considered abusive.

    These behaviours are inherently humiliating and degrading for participants and you were excited by them. Some people enjoy being humiliated and degraded. Just because they feel this way, doesn’t mean the behavior is healthy. Clearly, her mental health isn’t good and these behaviors had a significant impact on her.

    You said you used to listen and watch your partner with other men. You asked her to do these things with other men didn’t you? Or did she immediately offer when you suggested that you are excited by voyeurism? You already admitted that you feel that you talked her into somethings.

    Just because you have a crush on someone, and you hang out with them doesn’t mean that people are naturally comfortable with voyeurism. My guess is that this addiction, like many sex addictions, spiraled out of control and you asked each other to do more and more humiliating and degrading things.

    I would ask you to be honest with yourself. Are you still in contact with her because she is still sending you sexual content?

    #396405
    David
    Participant

    Hi helcat:

    I told her a few months ago that I started seeing a therapist and was trying to change. That I didnt wanna try to carry on the relationship cause I needed to change. The sexual stuff was an addiction like you and Honey Blossom said and I needed to stop. I kept thinking that we talked about this voyerism and sexual stuff together but I know that I did encourage her to reconnect with her ex boyfriend. After the reconnected it seemed like she was having so much fun with him but I guess maybe she was just doing it for me cause she thought that we would all be together. I did too until I changed my mind. It did get out of control and I wasn’t man enough to stop it or tell her the truth. I just kept on feeding my addiction. 🙁

    #396407
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    It’s good that you decided to stop and see a therapist. But I think that might be because the whole situation went so far that you were hurt by it.

    A good heartfelt apology details and takes responsibility for individual behaviours. If I say or do something hurtful, I describe the behaviour and I try and show that I understand how it made them feel when I apologise. For example, when apologising to my husband, I shouldn’t have snapped at you earlier, I’m sorry for making you feel hurt or uncomfortable.

    Please discuss what happened with your therapist. You don’t seem to have a clear understanding of the impact of your behaviour on your partner or even yourself. I believe this is a defense mechanism, or perhaps you haven’t deeply thought about how other people are affected?

    People have had to explain to you simple concepts such as cheating and how bdsm and other behaviours play with emotions such as humiliation, degradation and shame. You struggle to take responsibility for your part in it. I do believe that you want to learn. Because you haven’t disappeared when confronted with these things and after some explanation you do start to understand and take responsibility for parts of it. This and the fact that you are seeking therapy means that you’re trying.

    The difficulty of these situations is that often people consent to things that they don’t really want to do, usually because they care about the person and because they have difficulty maintaining boundaries.

    As Anita recommended, I suggest you do not participate in any more sexual communication with your ex. In fact, ask her to stop sending it to you. Ask your therapist about developing empathy for others. It will help you make the changes you need.

    #396408
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    David,

    I’m quite certain that with a therapist and learning about that addiction through reading and sharing with others who have overcome that lifestyle that you CAN move on.

    Whilst amends are important for most, being in constant contact with her or even thinking you could work through it together would be like 2 alcoholics in early recovery without the appropriate support trying to keep each other sober – just doesn’t work.

    You need to discuss deeper matters with your therapist which you are acting out with your sexual preferences and behaviours. That’s my opinion anyway.

    #396409
    David
    Participant

    Thank you Helcat. I will do what you suggested. I started to see a therapist before everything with so wrong. I do feel hurt by it and I feel alot of shame for my behavior and that I let it go on for so long. If I coulda stopped without her finding out that I was dating other women then it wouldn’t have hurt her so much. I took away her trust in me and in people. It was a mess already and I made it messier with my lies. I know that I gotta work on my empathy and why I felt like I needed to hide. and why I enjoyed feeling shamed and humiliated by her and him.

    David

    #396589
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    Sorry I’m going to have to get back to you in a day or two. Dealing with a lot of stress at the moment. Take care!

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 48 total)

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