Hi David

I want to help you but I have strong opinions on your past experiences that has nothing to do with you, so if that comes across please don’t take it personally and you can choose not to reply at all.

It felt normal until it didn’t. Anyway the relationship ended mostly because I didn’t want to live that lifestyle anymore I thought – This is what you need to revisit. A lot of us are nostalgic about our pasts. You knew in that moment that you didn’t want it. But the nature of that kind of a sexual relationship is that it is intense ( whether you liked it or not ) a normal sex life will naturally seem boring. Ask yourself why you crave that high and is it healthy?

Did you really want that open relationship – or did you have to do it?

The rush you felt was humiliation, your brain has been wired to enjoy that now. Watching your lover with someone else whom you think is better than you and training your brain to take the humiliation as satisfaction is sad. You need to work on getting pleasure from positive emotions and feelings. If you have a habit of watching porn, my suggestion would be stop that. Also, focus on building asexual relationships and looking at women as more than just ways to achieve sexual gratification.

With love and understanding, even normal sex can be amazing. You need to revisit what gives you joy and why. For that to happen, take some time to build a life and personality that makes you happy. A version of you, independent of other people, that you like. This will take time, you can then look into relationships. You seem to just want a partner and that makes it very generic – I want to settle down and have a healthy relationship with a woman, – contrast this with the actual experience of being with a partner for 10 years. What do you think will win out? Define what you want, who you want to be and what you hope to achieve – this will help you find what you really want. Notice, I haven’t asked you to define the kind of woman you want. The focus is on you. A relationship is just a part of your life. And you are only focussing on the sex and that’s ruining it. Can you fill yourself life up with more fulfilling experiences and joy?

Finally you need to make the decision – which lifestyle gives you most happiness and follow that. My hope for you is that you make that decision after building yourself up.

Hi David

Good luck with the therapist. Your post already has the answer. Cut contact with your ex. Do you have kids with her? Otherwise there is no reason for you to stay in touch.

How will your ex destroy your life unless you let her? Get away from her and look forward instead of backward.

You may not be a good person, i am pretty sure I am also bad to some people and good to others. If you committed an actual crime, you deserve punishment via the legal system of your country. In no scenario, does one individual get to destroy another person. And in this case, you need to take control and move on.

I am glad you made a choice to live a happier life. You need to work on that actively and reframe your future in terms of things you can control and act on. Good luck!

Hi David

Why are you afraid of her? Or are you a fearful person in general. Did you actually hurt her? Does it need to be punished? If it doesn’t, continue to stay away from her and just know you are sorry. If it does need to be punished by law, I am uncomfortable providing support. Otherwise, you could work on fear and anxiety and focus on your own mental and emotional well-being.

Good luck!

Hi David

How are the women you cheated on your girlfriend with, your ex’s? Also she wouldn’t be hurting them, you would. What hurts is being cheated on. I don’t think you are ready for a relationship because you are not able to take responsibility for your actions. Honestly you don’t have the right to even expect her to stay quiet. You can’t both stab a person and decide what the right treatment is based on which would be least painful. And I would introspect long and hard to figure out if I was ready for a relationship or if I am just adding another person to the list of people I hurt. I hope therapy is going well?

We can keep discussing this, I was worried you were abusive. Cheating is not good either but it is in the past and if you are up for it, you could work on yourself and be a better partner for your future girlfriends or spouses.

Hi David

Being upset over things you can’t control, it’s pointless. You could use some perspective. One of your ex wants to tell you other exes, what a POS (your words) you are. Maybe they already knew that? If you don’t talk to any of these women, you are fine and can move on. Both you and your ex seem a little obsessed with each other. I wouldn’t worry about what someone who is completely out of my life is saying about me to other people who are completely out of my life. I don’t see how that is going to hurt you. A bunch of people are going to find out about what you did to them. They are going to hurt or probably don’t care since you are out of their life. I don’t understand why you think this matters at all.

When you say you don’t want to live your life like this – you mean waiting for her to “destroy” your life?

Do you think maybe you are being a little dramatic. The truth is going to be set free but nowhere in your vicinity. She is doing your work for you in coming clean to your exes. You literally have nothing to do in this matter, you already did it in the past. I don’t know why you are clinging to that.

I think perhaps you don’t want to ever have your bad side visible to anybody and if what you did is revealed, you’d feel shame or embarassment? My question is aren’t you feeling it anyways? How does more people knowing make a difference at all. Own up to your mistake atleast internally, make peace with it, resolve to do better and you are good. I think you are just trying to stall taking responsibility and working on yourself. It is easy to distract yourself with useless drama. I think that’s what you are doing, subconsciously.

Your real journey starts when you stop worrying about what your ex will do or say and ask yourself how you would like to live and what you would like to do. That will take real effort. Start now.

Hi David

I mean that I don’t want to live my life being unfaithful and not REAL with the women I see – this is a solid thing to work on. Glad to know you want to change.

I don’t think “that crazy woman” is haunting you. You are too concerned with her. I think you should work on letting this go.

I don’t want them thinking the relationships we had were worse than they were. This right here tells me you are reducing the consequences of your actions. Being cheated on in a relationship is the worst. They will know the truth. It is pretty audacious of you to think those women had good relationships with you and cheating wouldn’t really make them worse. Were they blessed to have you in their lives despite your cheating? I wish you’d feel actual remorse for your actions but that is not something I can manufacture in you. Trust and loyalty are the foundation of any relationship. I don’t understand why you’d think those relationships were good for those women, when you broke those. Why don’t you put yourself in their shoes. If an ex came up to you and said, “I know I cheated on you but what you are feeling is incorrect, it wasn’t as bad”. Wouldn’t you feel disrespected and belittled?

Between calling your ex crazy and believing you know what’s right for your exes, I am sensing you don’t go into relationships with humility and openness. Would you say you feel entitled to what the women ought to do for you in these relationships and how they ought to feel about you, without any real effort from you?

I think your reaction to having cheated on other women – is where you should start. I am surprised you are deflecting blame onto your ex. You did this to those women. I think the way you are speaking of those women now is also how you looked at them when in those relationships, and that explains why you cheated on them.

Hi David

You do need to treat women better. And you did cheat on them. “didn’t really like cheat on them” doesn’t cut it.

I don’t know where you are based out of. But I know that some countries have a mechanism where you can call police to check on someone. You could try that. Do it once and be done with it. You therapist is right. You are only responsible for your actions. I hope your ex and you find some peace.