Dear anita,

Hmmm, I think I have to disagree on this. A person, who is selfish (‘lacking in consideration for others or concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure’) doesn’t automatically correlate to inadequate parenting.

In his case, he was a great parent while the kids were young and they all lived as a family. Then ex wife decided to take the kids and divorce him. For the next 12 years or so, they were raised by her. Once they each turned 18, they came to live with him (and brought the lying, cheating, stealing, lazy, messed up on drugs behavior with them). He tried to help them clean up their lives but they decided to go back to mom, who allows their behavior to go unchecked.

There are some times when bad parenting leads to bad kids, yes … but there are also times (like you and I) when theres bad parenting but the kids come out decent, moral, law abiding people … and times when decent, moral, law abiding parents end up with bad kids.

I’m going to post again in just a little bit but I need to take care of some things at the moment.

Cya soon

~Shipp

Dear anita,

I had hoped to be able to pop back online shortly after I left earlier but my day didn’t unfold that way.

Its ok with me that we disagree. I can respect that. I don’t doubt there will be other subjects where we have different points of view as well.

There’s another subject that I would like to post here. This post is a bit out of left field but it’s the underlying issues that I really want to work out.

I see some women that are always put together (hair, clothes, make up and accessories) and I am so envious. I can’t decide who I want to be so I can’t decide what it is that I want others to see when they look at me. Because I can’t decide, I have a lot of pieces and parts of nothing. Because I have pieces that don’t go together, I get frustrated and end up in sweatpants and a t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail.
So bottom line questions:
1. Why am I so insecure that I’m afraid to make a decision about what I want? I will admit that when I see other women, I do size up how they are dressed, etc. and in the back of my mind I, at times, think “is that how people see me?”. I fear how others see me.

2. I hesitate to express who I am because I don’t really like who I am. I want to be someone other than who I am… I just don’t know who that someone is.

3. I don’t do the little things daily in order to get what I want. I get lazy and apathetic and tell myself ‘oh, it really doesn’t matter.. its not like anything going to change anyway’. I guess I don’t really believe that I CAN make the changes that I want to.

4. Am I over thinking all of this? If women everywhere have these same issues, then why do I feel like I’m alone in this thinking? How can I MAKE myself do things differently?

I realize that if someone other than you reads this, they will probably thinks it’s trivial but it’s just an example of my inner conflict between what I want and what I actually do.

This is a post that I intend to come back to again and try to work through over time. I don’t expect it to be an overnight process but this is something that I’ve talked with a counselor about but made no progress.

Thanks for listening!

Until we talk again, take care of yourself

~Shipp

Dear anita,

Your are correct. When examining myself, if I come to a barrier that feels uncomfortable, I my first response is to brush it off until I feel that I am in a better position (mentally and emotionally) to re-examine it. That’s why I often say that, on the first posting of an issue, I’m throwing a thought out and I will come back to that post and examine it again later from a more grounded perspective. For example, when I recently went back to my very first post and re-read them all, I was able to come up with some insights into my own situations.

Back in school, I spent some time in the Debate Club (originally to try to push myself through my fear of being the center of attention while speaking in the classroom). I ran into some other difficulties. I realized that I view confrontation as a bad thing (I posted about this before) and therefore I usually avoid on subjects that don’t matter to me. I also realized that, on subjects that DO matter to me, I’m very passionate about and it becomes difficult for me to express the ideas that I’m trying to convey. I stumble on my words, become frustrated and angry with myself for not being able to make myself understood the way that I want to. This is a condition / situation that is still with me presently.

The subject of being selfish (and I will try to find a better, more accurate word) is something that I would like to explore with you and discuss from a different approach than our previous posts. Parenting is an area that I get tripped up on regarding how to explain my thoughts (because of my own experience). Therefore, I would like to approach this subject from a first person focus (how I can deal with it myself).

Before I go posing my questions and trying to explain myself, I want to see what you think about our next topic.

I hope to hear from you again today! I will check in as often as I can for your reply.

Until we talk again, take care of yourself

~ Shipp

Dear anita,

Alright, I’ve decided to face a barrier and see what I discover. Please feel free to ask whatever you’d like.

I’m online today so I’ll be here for your posts.

~Shipp

Dear anita,

Yes, up until recently being “in the lead” was something that I did but only when there was no other option. It’s not a situation that I felt comfortable in.

At the time of posting, I didn’t want to go into finer detail so I tried to sum up the situation. I think I probably did it poorly and lead to misunderstanding. So I’ll try to explain in further details.

When I started dating Emmett, his oldest daughter “T” had just moved out and gotten married, so she was not in the house at the time. His other daughter, “K”, and son, “A”, were in and out (staying with Emmett for a weekend or a few weeks) between Emmett and their mother. “A” was breaking into his dad’s bedroom and stealing from Emmett and pawning what he could for drugs. “K” was sleeping half the day, wouldn’t shower or change her clothes for days, and all she did was play video games all day and half the night. This is what they did at their mother’s home and so this was normal behavior for them.

Since their mother took them with her and moved away when she left Emmett, there was a period of about 12 years that he didn’t get to be in their lives on a regular basis. He got to see them when she allowed (usually when she wanted more money from Emmett). During this gap is when they grew into teens and 20’s. When they turned 18 (and mom could not longer control their interaction with Emmett) is when they decided to go see dad (life is greener on the other side of the fence). I think that Emmett wanted them to be with him. He loves them very much. ** This is where it gets hard for me to find the right words*.. I think he expected them to be the same quality of people that he raised when they were young. From what he has said, the kids have said, and other family members have said: He was a really good dad, while he was with them, and they were bright, happy kids. Then they went to live with mom for about 12 years. They came back to Emmett as I described above. I don’t think he knew how to handle their behavior.

When we progressed to the point in our relationship of getting married, I moved in with my girls. He and I agreed early on in dating that we would treat all of the kids as “ours”. WE have 5 kids. Not His or Mine but OURS. We talked with the kids about this also and they agreed that’s how it should be. During this time, we set down some house rules: No stealing, No drugs, and everybody will do something useful around the house. For two of the kids this was not a problem since that’s how they were raised. For two of the kids, this was a problem because of how their were raised. “A” left because he wanted “freedom to find himself and explore” (is what he said) but in reality, he went back to live with mom. “K” left because she didn’t like being told what to do, and went back to live with mom. Ash got married and moved out. Brittany was in college full time and working, but she wanted to live with her grandparents (because they could afford her a lifestyle that I could not). So, all of the kids lived where they were happy. Please keep in mind that this progression was over a span of about 2 years.

After we were married (all the kids live elsewhere), we still tried to build and maintain relationships with all of the kids. We had incidents with 3 of the kids that did not end well (which lead to a breakdown in the relationships). Only 2 of the kids have treated Emmett with the respect of a dad and built an adult relationship with him.

We’ve been married 5 years, and Brit has just moved back in with us last year (when I had the stroke and heart attack). She is the only one who is local. The others all live in other states.

Last year, when Emmett decided to move to our current home, he decided to sell the other house. My nephew, who also lives locally, was living with a group of friends. Emmett decided to try to “pay it forward” and help someone like he was helped with that house. We decided to give my nephew a chance to get into a home of his own. Emmett wanted rid of the house; my nephew wanted the house.

When Emmett’s mother passed away 2 years ago, he came into his portion of the estate. The estate was to be divided between Emmett and his siblings (nothing was left to the grandchildren / Emmett’s kids). This did not sit well with Emmett’s ex wife / kids mom. She threw a fit and demanded a portion of the money. We instead tried to do for the kids directly. This resulted in the 3 incidents that did not end well. (Which I really don’t want to get into what happened). Emmett wants to make sure that what we have can not be TAKEN by the ex wife / kids.

Honestly, it is insulting that you “think that the idea and initiative (and maybe execution) of his children to move out and be disinherited was yours, and that the idea to divide his money between your two daughters was also yours“. I do try to help people, who I see as being in need. Do I give thought of how it can benefit myself? NO. Do I scheme or manipulate people for financial gain (for myself or my daughters)? HELL NO.

Two of his children abuse drugs. We didn’t expel any of them out of the house. We drew the line of “not in this house”. Two of the kids didn’t have a problem not using drugs, not stealing, not lying and were okay with doing chores around the house. The other three choose different paths that lead to where are today.

I, personally, understand that sometimes therapy can help a person who is SEEKING help and WANTS to change. I have said many times that you were very lucky in meeting with a therapist who was helpful and useful. In the last 25 years, I have found 1 who truly helped me. Therefore, I can also understand that most people (who do not see that they have what the rest of us perceive as a ‘problem’) think therapy is a bunch of BS and wont even entertain the idea of meeting with someone.

Sometimes you can’t “fix” or “help” someone who doesn’t want to be help. Sometimes you just have to accept that they are the way that they are and you have no say in the matter. Sometimes when you are looking for a way to do something good, you look around you for other people who are trying to do something good and you reward those people how you can.

You can only try for so long to help a person out of a ditch. After a while, you get tired of fighting to help them. You get to a point when you say “fine, if you WANT to stay there and wallow your life away, go ahead, but I’m going inside where its warm, safe and dry”. You finally accept that all of your efforts will be rebuffed and you will only get sucked into that ditch with them.

I think that I have said this before: I don’t give a damn about Emmett’s money (other than its starting to be a pain in the butt). I think that I pointed out HE has made decisions about what he wants to do. I’m not exactly sure how it turned out that I am the mastermind behind manipulating him. Two kids love him and either here everyday to help or show their support by calling and Skyping. Three kids treat him like crap, use him or ignore him. If your going to do something nice for someone, who would you pick??

And yes, I know this is a barrier that I am facing and I will have to process through it … but right now, I am insulted and frankly a bit pissed that you would think such a thing.

~Shipp

anita,

I really thought about not responding to your post but I’ve decided that this is one exception that I will make in regards to standing up for myself.

First you wrote you “think that the idea and initiative (and maybe execution) of his children to move out and be disinherited was yours, and that the idea to divide his money between your two daughters was also yours“.

Then you wrote “the abuse Emmet’s children suffer as well as your daughter Brit”.

How dare you?! To give advice from your experience or perspective is one thing but you have crossed the line with your implications and statements. I think it will take more years of therapy for you to be able to see that not all kids are the victims, sometimes THEY are the abusive ones (why else would there be juvenile jail), and that loosing your temper and yelling at someone isn’t an act of intentional child abuse, its being a human pushed past the point of endurance.

You need not trouble yourself with a reply as I will no longer be signing into Tiny Buddha site. Over your last few posts, you have been judgmental and insulting and thereby have broken whatever trust I had in opening up to you.

The next time someone suggests that you agree to disagree and move on, maybe you should.