Home→Forums→Tough Times→My second breakup
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Matic.
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September 20, 2015 at 9:04 am #83671
AnonymousGuestDear Mefisto:
You are like a child left alone, a young child abandoned by his parent. Clearly to me, your attachment to your recent and previous girlfriend takes on the nature of an attachment of a child to his mother or father, “primary caretaker.”
Nothing unusual about that and very, very common. You see your recent girlfriend in the most positive light just as a child see his mother or father in the best possible light (“My dad is the strongest!”) and like a child left alone, all alone, by a parent- temporarily or not, but for a long time, you are hurting that kind of pain.
Everything starts with that first relationship and when that first relationship leaves or left a wound, then future relationships are greatly affected, often repeating old scenarios, re-experiencing the wound- the wound starts bleeding again. That is the wound of being alone as a child.
Maybe if you connect this experience you are having now with the experience you had as a child- the experience still very much imprinted and now re-activated in your brain, it may help. To accept the pain, not only of this ending but the ending that left that wound in you.
There is the pain of this relationship ending and there is the pain of the other mixed in. As long as the wound is there, tending to bleed again.. and again, you will be a bit TOO needy of the next relationship as well. As in TOO MUCH of anything, that too much need in the context of a relationship will operate against you and against your next relationship.
anita
September 20, 2015 at 10:27 am #83677
MaticParticipantHi Mefisto!
I will try to answer you paragraph by paragraph so I hope it will make some sense because your post is very long (definetely absolutely nothing wrong with it. :))
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2.I went through only one heartbreak so I cant really say how intense anything should be but from talking to people I would say that the wiser you get the more it hurts. That might seem counter-intuitive but just stay with me. The older you get the more you know yourself and what you want out of a relationship, so I would say you give more of yourself to the other person and show more of your true colors, which seems to me is especially true in your case. So I would not fret over your hurt. It is perfectly natural and normal.
3. I would say that the difference in accepting and wallowing in the pain is what you do with it. When you accept your feelings you unerstand it is a perfectly natural reaction to the situation and that it may be debilitating but you keep living your life despite the pain. By wallowing you just take the excuse the pain gives you to put your life on hold. By living on you start to heal.
4. I would not use any medication. I had a terrible time sleeping for the first week. But eventually the pain subsided and sleep came naturally again. If you use medicine it might become a crutch and this causes problems by itself.
5. I understand the issue of loneliness. This was my biggest hurdle. When you go out you soon realize there is no one like your ex and you think this sucks. But what I soon found out is that this is actually a good thing. The thing with your ex did not go very well did it! You soon find out that not all people are created equal in reference to your life. Some may be your best friends. There might be people who you only see once a month. There may be people who you only party with. There may be people who you can talk to about your intelectual desires. Anyway. There are different people (which is a great thing) and you can learn a great deal from just about any of them if you keep your eyes, ears and heart open. The loneliness will subside in a while. Just go out and do life. Do what you love just for the sake of it. In hindsight my greatest breakthrough came about 1 month after my break-up when I decided that I will become the best version of myself and this still gives me consolation in moments of emotional turmoil, whether it is in regard to my ex or to some unrelated situation. When you have a relationship with the most important person in the world you will not feel lonely (maybe at times, but not in general) and that person is you.
6. I dont know about this particular movie but I am sure it cant hurt in the long haul. After my break up I sometimes force-fed myself with songs, movies or places that I frequented with my ex. Sure it was terrible at first, but I refused to let my past keep hold of me. I would not miss lifes simple pleasures like having a drink with my best friend at my favourite bar or just listen to good music played by her favourite band. So I whink you should watch the movie. You will surely survive it and bit by bit you will realize you are stronger than what you think of yourself.
7. This is very normal. Believe me! 🙂 It shall pass.
8. I went thorugh several cycles. I at first saw my ex very negativly. After very positivly, then negativly… What all these cycles have in common is that they get weaker with every pass. Now I am in a place where I think I can see my ex the way she was. She was a great girl but we were definetely not meant to be togehter. I deserve something more. Not in the sense she was not good enough, but just, more for me. I would call this stage acceptance and as you know with your first girlfriend it will come for you too. About social sites… You cant see peoples personalities on there so this should not have any leverage to your decision making.
9. I dont really know what to tell you about this one. If you do more to better yourself this issue will surely get better. When you realize it was just not meant to be this feeling will fade.
I hope it was helpful.
Matic
September 20, 2015 at 11:51 am #83681
ToddParticipantI am dealing with this same heartache right now. What I thought was my soulmate and I broke up because I tend to trigger self awareness with people. We both realized she has not dealt with her past. We called it off a week ago and I honestly have not felt this level of sadness in some time. She needs to work on her for her. Not for me. I am proud of the text she sent about if I should wait for her. She said that if I am waiting for her then it brings me into the equation and she is not doing it for her. So proud. Thats the correct response. HOWEVER, MY HEART STILL HURTS! But I am taking this time to work on myself. I am getting closer in my walk of faith something that I have let go by the way side and I am not waiting for her. I am healing through this with the plan that she is not coming back. If she does, I am going to marry her. I love her that much and she is my red string. But if she does not come back to me, I am not in a worse place. My advice to you is that you accept this for whatever it is you need in life right now. A break, self growth, getting closer to family or what ever God you ascribe to. I feel your pain and I am with you. I hurt also. I am going to grow from this.
September 20, 2015 at 12:40 pm #83687MaticParticipantI really like your mentality toddinrochester! Keep up the good work. 🙂
Matic
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