We see very different things! You feel like you have no soul, and I see someone who doesn’t recognize herself. In those moments, your soul was dedication. Keeping your nails done in such a way to please him still is a very dedicated and motivated effort. That just means you’ll be a great partner! It just seems like its time to become your own partner, turn your effort and love toward someone deserving… you!

Not knowing what color nails you like is not soul-less, its just not knowing what color nails you like. Good thing you woke up so you can explore and find out!

I hope I can offer a male perspective that will be of some use. I married my ex wife out of fear of being alone. Our relationship was pathologically on and off. Each time we broke up I would have the strong desire to rekindle because I needed someone there. However I remember being the one waking in an angry mood and it would go away and I’d call her later to apologize. Now there were underlying emotional issues that I have since since dealt with as a single person searching for a peaceful alternative; but the truth is the anger was in part due to the fact that I didn’t want to be there. If I were a healthy person at that time her and I would have gone our separate ways years before but as codependents we each put up with the misery associated with just having someone.

I consider myself lucky that I am also an alcoholic because that forced me me to search for the real me and be wonderfully content with that. I spent six weeks in treatment facility where I had access to amazing therapists, group therapy and daily socialization with other residents who were different than myself.
Unfortunately there aren’t facilities for strictly codependents but you can seek help and it would probably be best to have a therapist to help guide you should you choose to break it off.

I dated two women since my separation and in each the behavior was similar in that I just didn’t want to be alone. The last one though was really very evolved emotionally and was able to offer me some pretty useful insight. Even though I wanted the relationship to end, I continued to call her almost daily. She suggested that I was just addicted to the idea and she asked my not to call for a week. Guess what? She was right.

This is not easy stuff but I am for the first time at complete peace being single. I am ready to take on amazing new challenges that I never thought I could do alone.
I am not in panic mode looking for love.

You are too important to mot let yourself be awesome, happy and have real self love.