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My partner wants to keep kissing her best male friend

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  • September 19, 2016 at 8:49 am #115589
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sunday:

    I think that when me make a choice, a decision, there is relief and hope that it is the right decision. I hope it is the right choice for you. You will be the one evaluating your choice over time. “alive again and feeling the joy and the pain of existence” is better than being “previously fairly emotional dead.”

    Till your next post, take good care of you and your child.

    anita

    November 13, 2016 at 8:26 pm #120321
    Sunday
    Participant

    Update #1
    After working on our relationship by spending time together there have been some shifts and changes. Letting go, staying in the moment and being kind and compassionate helped me a lot. She has decided to stop kissing him. She told him she was not going to kiss him anymore because I didn’t like it. She still wants to kiss him but has stopped because of me not because she has lost the desire to do it. She still loves him, has sexual desires and thoughts but isn’t acting on them. This all happened the week before they went on an overnight camping trip. She denies breaking her promises so I have to just trust her. I wonder if she compromised on the kissing to be able to maintain contact with him. She clarified her definition of an open relationship for her is to be able to kiss who she wants including him but I suspect it would also to be able to have sex but she knows it could break him and his wife up and be a serious challenge to our relationship. She has repeatedly told me I am free to have sex with who ever I want as long as I am emotional present with her. She wants me to be free so she can be free I guess but I am not really wanting that freedom. She also said I should find some one else as she thinks I judge her too much and don’t accept her way of being. She agreed that if she really wanted to start a real open relationship she would request it so it is a bit like waiting for that to happen.

    So we are in a weird set of compromises -no kissing/sex but she still texts/talks/sees him. I also now have the freedom to “cheat” if I want to and I have mixed feelings. It would be great to have guilt free sex with who ever I want when I want as I have a high sex drive but the Buddha felt adultery was destructive to relationships and causes suffering. I wonder if I am getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere it would lead to emotional intimacy and break up our relationship or enhance it.
    Should I begin an open relationship and see what happens or just what for her to ask more directly if she does (we may heal to the point they just can be friends with strong feelings) or stick with our compromise
    Any thoughts welcome

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Sunday.
    November 14, 2016 at 9:55 am #120375
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sunday:

    Good to read again from you. I am not so clear about your question in the last paragraph but here are my thoughts about your update:

    There is no consequence-free-freedom. Everything has consequences, including acts done in the mindset of being free. This is a rule of life, of nature, and there is nothing your partner can do to change this rule. Reads to me that she has some awareness of this rule, acknowledging that kissing the guy has the consequence of hurting you.

    I think you are asking whether you should pursue a sexual relationship with another woman or women (as she suggested you may) and give her the consent to act on her existing sexual desires for the guy OR keep things as they are: her not acting on her desires and you not pursuing sexual encounters outside this relationship.

    If I am correct, then this is my answer: you can pursue encounters relationships with other women IF you are willing to accept the consequences. The consequences may be unknown to you at this point, but they will make themselves known later- you may feel uncomfortable with your encounters as well as with knowing she is now acting on her desires. This possible distress may be undesirable for you and may lead you to end the relationship with your (primary) partner. It may lead you to reverse the arrangement, or try to reverse it.

    Regarding “the Buddha felt adultery was destructive to relationships and causes suffering”- social convention, backed and originated by different religions, promotes the strong position that adultery is wrong. It is not often that a person is able to disengage from such deep social convention. Study yourself: how strongly do you believe in this convention. I know, personally that I am unable, nor am I willing to act against this particular social convention. I agree with it, so acting against it, will indeed bring me much suffering.

    anita

    November 16, 2016 at 9:12 pm #120532
    Sunday
    Participant

    Hi Anita
    Thanks again for your thoughts. Very helpful. The idea of there is no consequence free freedom helped too. Once the open relationship/poly genie is out of the bottle it might be impossible to return to before it was released as everything will change.
    Going to stay in the now and see what happens and update again in the future.

    November 17, 2016 at 8:33 am #120575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Sunday. Looking forward to your next update.
    anita

    December 19, 2016 at 9:25 pm #123071
    Sunday
    Participant

    Interesting development. My partner has stopped kissing her friend but both still want to do it. Now she has lost interest in kissing me with any passion. It is a weird lesson in wanting and when you get it you still want something more. I am faced with giving in to her desire to kiss him and hope she kisses me with passion again or accept she is not kissing him but the kissing with me is not great. She brought up this issue in a recent conversation but I had noticed the lack of passion and put it down to tiredness and hardwork. It is hard not to judge her
    Learning a lot about letting be and letting go and that nothing is perfect.

    December 20, 2016 at 10:35 am #123107
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sunday:

    So you are thinking that kissing him will cause her to kiss you passionately. It is possible. Interesting indeed.

    Some people are sexually stimulated by a third person (or persons) being involved, and so, it is possible. Exclusivity of a partner is very important to a lot of people and yet, some people are excited about the breaking of this socially accepted exclusivity, as in breaking taboos, or the law.

    Do post anytime, would like to read more from you as you learn more.

    anita

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